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prob with SIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by HRC, Jan 9, 2008.

  1. HRC

    HRC New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends.

    I have been married for 1 year now. My problem is that i stay with my SIL she is a divorcee. she never interfears in my married life but the problem is that i dont get privacy with my husband now she has gone to her home so i am free with my hubby and realised what i have missed in 11 months of happiness in my married life. she is a workoholic . The problem is many times its so happens that when ever she is tired she tends to make faces and hence i feel i ahve to work and then start working and cleaning at home and not only that if my husband sees her working he tells me she is working all alone help her and hence get very less time with my hubby . On week ends when i want to spend time with my husband she tends to ask my husband to go out for shopping and my problem is i cannot tell no.
    Recently i had a fight with my hubby saying that he has to take a lead at home he should realise that we need privacy he tell that night we are togather . evening he comes late and what is that point of sleeping when u dont get to speak togather. I am sooooooo frustrated.
    My SIL has to actually realise but she doesnt. she always tells me when neighbours can stay togather why cant we stay togather. i feel i have become a doormat at home. i want her to go out of our life.
    Please give me some suggession so that i can come out of this problem and get privacy.

  2. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    I can understand your frustration. Being newly married you obviously feel like spending some private time with hubby dear.

    You said in your post that your sil has gone to “her home”. So does she have another home that she owns/stays at? Is there a reason she does not want to stay there? How long has she been divorced? If she has been divorced recently then may be she needs emotional support and that’s why she wants to stay with you.

    My first and foremost advice to you will be to calm down and not feel frustrated. And for now, don’t complain to your hubby and don’t pick a fight with him. It is his sister and he will not like to hear complains about her.

    Instead try to create opportunities for hubby and you to spend time together. Can you and hubby go for a movie without her? Not every time but once a month may be. Can you two go for dinner once a month? Can you two go for a walk every morning or evening after dinner? If not every day at least 2-3days in a week? Can you meet him for lunch at least once a week or more? Try to seize every little opportunity to spend time with him, no matter how little the time may be. And create more such. It all adds up.

    For household chores, can you hire some help? Even if it is part time. Try to reduce the stress caused due to daily chores. In my opinion the most effective way do to this is to hire help rather than complaining about it or forcing people to help you or worse, doing it all by yourself. See if hiring some help is an option for you.

    Once you start doing some of these things you will immediately feel some relief. Your husband will also start looking forward to the time you two spend together and he too may start making some effort towards it. But don’t bank on him. You keep doing this.

    If none of the above works out after having tried hard for a few months, then slowly and calmly you can talk to your husband about it. Put it nicely and in a way that shows that you care about your sil’s situation but that you also feel you and hubby should spend more time together. Don’t sound frustrated, accusing or complaining. Treat it like a problem for which you and hubby together need to find a solution. Don’t try to tell him what he should do, instead take him into confidence and let him suggest some solutions too.

    But before you talk to him about it try some of the ideas that I have suggested above. And create more opportunities of your own. I think that will resolve your issue to a great extent. Thoroughly enjoy this golden period of your married life. It will not come again. Don’t let any one or anything spoil it. It is your loss if you let something get in the way of your enjoyment.

    All the best!

    Last edited: Jan 9, 2008
  3. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    well Its very usual desire of yours , nothing wrong. However I have few doubts for you.

    - why do you think this is permanent solution? I am sure its not. She may be figuring out something for herself too.Just because she is divorcee, doesnot mean she will not get happiness next time in life.

    - Just because you are married for one year, What gives you right to be completely selfish and not care for the family?

    - Marriages are union for life, so what s the point in hurrying things when you can be patient and let time figure out things too.

    - I sense some restlessness and hurried attitude in your words. Relax and breathe, there is nothing which you will loose if you let her stay for few months or 1-2 years. Thats what family is for. You would expect that kind of support from your own brother too .. right?

    - However if you dont care for this aspect. Then you can clearly tell your hubby and her that she has to find her way out. It will hurt things once. But you will get your "Privacy".

    I personally feel, husbands are not best bet for any marriage's happiness. If you want harmony and happy life, you need to forge a bond with his family too. It takes more than passive attitude to forge new bonds. You dont have to suffer but you also dont need to go out and hurt others when time could have solved the issue.

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