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Priya's corner

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by PRIYAJI, Feb 2, 2011.

  1. PRIYAJI

    PRIYAJI Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Guys & Gals,

    I will be regularly posting reads that will relax you.....ENJOY!!!

    Here's one -

    DON'T DRAW LINE...JUST KEEP GOING....

    Two Questions to be answered…..

    Question 1:

    If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
    were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
    syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

    Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.



    Question 2:

    It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.



    Here are the facts about the three candidates.



    Candidate A. Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
    astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8
    to 10 martinis a day.

    Candidate B. He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps untilnoon , used
    opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

    Candidate C. He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
    smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.





    Which of these candidates would be your choice?


    Decide first... no peeking, and then scroll down for the response.



    ...

    ...



    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

    Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

    Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.



    And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

    If you said YES . . .

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ... . . you just killed Beethoven - Gr8 musician


    So - Never Draw a Line...Just keep going in life...The best things may be yet to come :)
     
    Loading...

  2. Durgapriye

    Durgapriye Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Priyaji,
    Very nice thread:thumbsup
     
  3. PRIYAJI

    PRIYAJI Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks DurgaPriye,
    Here's One more....ENJOY!!!

    Most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

    1. At the movies:- When you meet acquaintances/friends...
    Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
    Answer:- Don’t you know, I sell tickets in black over here..

    2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
    Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
    Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

    3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
    Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
    Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

    4. At a restaurant: When someone asks the waiter
    Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good ?
    Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

    5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
    Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
    Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

    6.When a friend announces her wedding, and someone asks...
    Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
    Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

    7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...(IT GENERALLY HAPPENS)
    Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
    Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on">Africa</st1:place> marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

    8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
    Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
    Answer:- No, its autumn ! and I'm shedding......

    9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
    Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
    Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

    10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
    Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
    Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!


     
  4. PRIYAJI

    PRIYAJI Bronze IL'ite

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    Here's some fun for office goers...
    Performance Appraisal Terms and Their Real Meanings

    · Great Presentation Skills
    Able to bull****

    · Good Communication Skills
    Spends lots of time on phone

    · Average Employee
    Not too bright

    · Exceptionally Well Qualified
    Made no major blunders yet

    · Work Is First Priority
    Too ugly to get a date

    · Active Socially
    Drinks a lot

    · Family Is Active Socially
    Spouse drinks, too

    · Independent Worker
    Nobody knows what he/she does

    · Quick Thinking
    Offers plausible excuses

    · Careful Thinker
    Won't make a decision

    · Aggressive
    Obnoxious

    · Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs
    Gets someone else to do it

    · Expresses Themselves Well
    Speaks English

    · Meticulous Attention To Detail
    A nit picker

    · Has Leadership Qualities
    Is tall or has a loud voice

    · Exceptionally Good Judgment
    Lucky

    · Career Minded
    Back Stabber

    · Loyal
    Can't get a job anywhere else
     
  5. PRIYAJI

    PRIYAJI Bronze IL'ite

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    Some VIJAY JOKES....
    Vijay fans....i am choo sorry

    Loads of Laughter…

    Vijay rocks.. :):):)

    1. Once Vijay decided to stare at the Sun...
    The sun got scared and hided itself behind the Moon...
    Later this situation was named as..
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    SOLAR ECLIPSE


    3. Once when shooting on a beach in Tamil Nadu, Vijay kicked a stone..
    Now that stone is known as
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">SRI LANKA</st1:country-region></st1:place>


    4. Vijay participated in 100 meter race and obviously he came first...
    But Einstein died after watching that...
    bcoz..
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    LIGHT came second...


    5.Once Vijay participated in Moto gp Bike race......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Don't even try to guess wat happened
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Vijay won d race on neutral gear!


    6. Vijay doesnt breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.


    7. 1 day Vijay got angry on his sweeper boy., he kicked him so hard that he went flying in the sky with is broom...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    2day that boy is famous as "HARRY POTTER"...


    9. Vijay went fr a morning walk frm Chennai
    .
    and in afternoon police arrested him..
    .
    why??
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Bcoz he reached <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">USA</st1:country-region></st1:place> without permission...


    10. Once Vijay bunked a whole day in school..
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Since then that day is known as sunday...


    11. Vijay doesnt need a visa 2 travel abroad, he jumps from the tallest building in chennai holds himself in d air while d earth rotates -)


    12. Before tom cruise,Vijay was approached for
    the movie "mission impossible"
    but he refused
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    as he found the title insulting


    13. Once Vijay was asked how he felt about the jokes made on him which were spreading through sms and internet.
    To everyones surprise he started laughing and replied-Do you really think they are jokes?


    14. Vijay once taught a child how to play

    counter strike and that guy is now
    called..............
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "OSAMA BIN LADEN"

    thats Vijay mindit


    15. Once Vijay donated blood to a small,thin boy suffering from malnutrition
    .
    .
    .
    ...
    .......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    today the child is known as

    "THE GREAT KHALI"


    16. Once Dinosaurs borrowed money from Vijay and refused to payhim back... .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .......
    .

    That was the last time anyone saw Dinosaurs


    17. Vijay once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are today called giraffes.


    18. Basketball player to VIJAY:
    I can spin a ball on my finger for 2 hours ... can u ???

    Vijay: yena rascala, how do u think the earth spins?? mind it...

    19. Vijay issued a cheque




    <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">And.</st1:place></st1:country-region>










    The Bank bounced.

    20. Vijay once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.



    22. An e-mail was sent from Pune to Mumbai
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Vijay stopped it in Lonavla ... : D

    23. as a kid Vijay maintained a diary of day to day activities,
    today that diary called as.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    ..
    .

    Guinness Book Of World Records

    24. once Vijay lost his wallet.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    since then....
    the world is facing recession.

    25. once Vijay taught a kid how to enter a house without ringing the doorbell....
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    today that kid is known as inspector Daya(CID).

    26. Galileo used lamp to study... Graham Bell used candle... Shakespeare studied in street light.... But,
    do u know about...
    VIJAY????
    .
    .
    .
    ..
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    .ONLY AGARBATTI !!!!! (My God)


    27. once Vijay hit a six and that ball is known as
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Planet Pluto!

    28. Once a boy inserted A CD named Vijay
    into his PC...
    Guess wot...

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .His PC started Rotating around the CD rom

    29. Vijay can kill two stones with one
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .bird.!

    30. Intel's new tag line for its processors ...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "Vijay Inside"

    31. Vijay's school time homework is now known as
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    wikipedia

    32. Vijay was caught on d highway for speeding................
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    While walking

    34. Vijay was shot today..
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Tomorrow is the bullet's funeral

    35. Vijay got his driving license at the age of.......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    18 seconds

    36. Why did the British leave <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">INDIA</st1:country-region></st1:place> in 1947 ?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Because they came to know a baby Named Vijay will be born in 1947

    37. The newly got symbol for the Rupee is actually
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Vijay's signature.

    39. A 22 wheeler huge truck once met with an accident against VIJAY
    .

    .

    .

    .
    Since then,

    it is called TATA NANO.

    41. Vijay and Superman once had arm wrestled and the loser had to wear his Underwear over his pants..
    .
    .

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    We all know who won

    42. Once Vijay saw a poor beggar on road and helped him by giving money. The beggar is now called
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    'Bill Gates'

    43. Vijay knows that Bingo Mad Angles is tasty from .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    which angle.

    44. Vijay can make two parallel lines.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    . Intersect each other.

    46. Once Vijay was throwing Paper Rockets in the air. The Next day, .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placeName w:st="on">World</st1:placeName> <st1:placeName w:st="on">Trade</st1:placeName> <st1:placeType w:st="on">Center</st1:placeType></st1:place> Came Down!

    47. Vijay woke up in the morning and decided that he had to share atleast 1 or his knowledge with the World. Thus..

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Google was born.

    48. When Vijay croses the Road, the cars have to look
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    left and right before moving.

    49. After release of Sura, Vijay gave Times of India 3 stars.

    50. Once a person threw an ignited Cigarette up in the sky.
    It fell on a planet,
    which is now known as
    "SUN"
    and the person is none other than
    "VIJAY"

    51. Vijay calls VOLDEMORT by his name and Voldemort calls him as "u know who"

    Vijay has counted to infinity.... Twice!

    Vijay goes to court and sentences the judge...

    There are no weapons of mass destruction in <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Iraq</st1:country-region></st1:place>. Vijay lives in Chennai...


    52. Vijay kills harry potter in the 8th book.

    53. Vijay's pulse is measured in ...
    :
    :
    RICHTER SCALE !!!! :)

    54. Vijay knows ...
    :
    :
    Who let the dogs out !!! :D


    55. Vijay was practicing for a spelling test... The rough sheet he used is known as ...
    :
    :
    <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">OXFORD</st1:place></st1:City> DICTIONARY !! :D

    56. Vijay has seen the face of the fat lady who owns the house in ...
    :
    :
    TOM and JERRY !! :D

    58. If Vijay was born 100 years back, Britishers would have fought to get independence from <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">India</st1:country-region></st1:place> !! :)


    59. The ultimate VIJAY fact :

    Even GHAJINI remebers VIJAY !!!!!

    Vijay Rox !!! :)

    60. People who set CAT paper will have to pass VAT paper from this year onwards.

    Yes VAT paper....
    :
    :
    Vijay Aptitude Test !!! :)

    61. Vijay once ordered a plate of idli in McDonald's,
    And got it.



    62. 1) There is no such thing as global warming.
    Vijay was feeling cold,
    so brought the sun closer to heat the earth up..:p

    2) Vijay once had a heart attack...
    His heart lost..:p

    3) Water boils faster when Vijay stares at it...:)


    63. Vijay destroyed the periodic table,
    bcoz he only recognizes the element of surprise.

    64. Vijay Did his KG from 7 different schools

    Now they are known as IIT'S.
     
  6. PRIYAJI

    PRIYAJI Bronze IL'ite

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    English is a Funny Language. Some funny statements in English that will tickle you…….



    In An Factory:
    WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


    In An Office:
    TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

    In A Laundromat:
    AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

    In A <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">London</st1:place></st1:City> Department Store:
    BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

    Outside A Secondhand Shop:
    WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

    Seen During A Conference:
    FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

    Notice In A Farmer's Field:
    THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES!
     
  7. PRIYAJI

    PRIYAJI Bronze IL'ite

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    That's a Good one !

    A hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an
    airplane and are told that the flight that they are
    about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless
    technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of
    the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's
    software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot
    system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the
    aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
    One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very
    calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this
    first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it is the same
    software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane
    won't even take off."

    That is called Confidence!!!
     
  8. PRIYAJI

    PRIYAJI Bronze IL'ite

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    KIDS...KIDS...KIDS....


    Teacher:"What is your name?".


    Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
    Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english."
    Student:"My name is Sunlight.

    <?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:vml" /><v:shapetype id=_x0000_t75 stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" o:preferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"><v:stroke joinstyle="miter"></v:stroke><v:formulas><v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"></v:f></v:formulas><v:path o:connecttype="rect" gradientshapeok="t" o:extrusionok="f"></v:path><o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"></o:lock></v:shapetype>

    keep smiling ....
     
  9. PRIYAJI

    PRIYAJI Bronze IL'ite

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    <TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 582pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 0in 0in; mso-cellspacing: 0in" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=776 border=0><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ece9d8; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: #ece9d8; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BORDER-LEFT: #ece9d8; PADDING-TOP: 0in; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ece9d8; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" vAlign=top>Kids Are Quick
    ____________________________________


    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on">North America</st1:place> ..

    MARIA:
    Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">America</st1:country-region></st1:place> ?

    CLASS:
    Maria.
    ____________________________________


    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?

    JOHN:
    You told me to do it without using tables.
    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

    TEACHER: No, that's wrong

    GLENN:
    Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    __________________________________

    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

    WINNIE: Me!

    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

    GLEN:
    Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    _______________________________________


    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with '<st1:place w:st="on">I.</st1:place>'

    MILLIE: I is..

    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

    MILLIE:
    All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
    ______________ ___________________

    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
    cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

    ______________________________________

    TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

    SIMON:
    No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    ______________________________

    TEACHER: <st1:place w:st="on">Clyde</st1:place> , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

    <st1:place w:st="on">CLYDE</st1:place> :
    No, sir. It's the same dog.
    ___________________________________

    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

    HAROLD: A teacher

    __________________________________
     
  10. Archies123

    Archies123 Bronze IL'ite

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    Very different and interesting..............keep posting
     

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