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Pressure to start a family!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EatPrayLove, Apr 19, 2013.

  1. EatPrayLove

    EatPrayLove Silver IL'ite

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    I am 25 years old and DH is 26, and we got married a year ago. We both live in the US and parents in India. Our India trip is on in less than a month now and there;s tremendous pressure from both sides to start a family. In-laws are visiting us for 4 months this summer too - so I am worried.

    It's an every day battle with my parents and in-laws have all along been subtly hinting. For the past couple weeks they have been strongly advising too! Heck, they consult a family astrologer for even the teeniest of problems. Now I respect this man (the astrologer), he is an elderly gentleman that have tons of respect for. He fixed our wedding date and everything but I hate that my IL's go to him even for the slightest of things. I was looking for a job for over a year after we got married (I gave my final exams for my MS after I got married) and have been working full time only for a few months now. They were bugging that gentleman all this time asking him when I would get a job!

    Now it's my FIL's 60th birthday (that's the reason for our India trip) so they are consulting him for auspicious times and things like that. That gentleman has asked FIL if he has heard any 'good news' from us yet. When FIL replied in negative, he was all contemplative and finally said, "Well, according to my calculations, my dates for their wedding, they must have conceived by now, if not a baby itself'. He had set 31, Mar 2013 as a deadline apparently. So he suggests there's some 'human interference' here otherwise his calculations never go wrong! Yeah, don't ask!!

    I was like, WTH. FIL tells me and DH all this over Skype and I was in desperate need of a hole to bury myself into!

    They blame us that we 'waste' money unnecessarily on trips and going to see places (do I sense jealousy here?) while we could save up all that money for our kid and 'focus' on having a kid!!

    So ladies - I seek help. I want to avoid this topic for a couple more years without sounding dis respective to my parents and in-laws. The only strategy that I have in mind is to smile, nod head and agree with them as long as possible to buy time and do what we both want.
     
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  2. NirmalaGoofy

    NirmalaGoofy Gold IL'ite

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    It is very tricky. If we dont have a baby within a year after marriage, something might be wrong. This is how people in India see. They dont have the concept of planning for a family and life has somethings more than having a kid. Marriage and having kids are interconnected in Indian circumstance. I had been through the same situation for 3 years. Try to give some excuses like change in work, not sure about workplace etc. Wish you all the best.
     
  3. EatPrayLove

    EatPrayLove Silver IL'ite

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    i know!! :( DH keeps assuring me that he will take things to his hand if they get worse and answer his parents but I am worried because ultimately it is the DIL who will always be at blame. I am not saying they will accuse me that I have some issues and so cannot conceive - but they will obviously think that it is me who is poisoning their son's mind about this. Little do they know abt their DS - he is the one who feels more strongly than I do about starting a family.. He wants us both to have carved a niche for ourselves in our respective careers first before starting a family.. I don't see why anyone has to poke their nose in others' bedroom affairs. Unwarranted, uncalled for, baseless advice given my neighbors and distant relatives add fuel to the fire!
     
  4. sanvi5

    sanvi5 Silver IL'ite

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    Its common for elders to keep bugging after one year dont take it too personal just ignore. You and your DH knows what to do and when to plan that is all matters.Go for it only when ready.

    You'll are smart enough what to answer them according to the situation. Good luck with your careers.
     
  5. RPVAIL

    RPVAIL Silver IL'ite

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    EatPrayLove,

    What your parents and IL are asking of you is just an extension of your user name, EatPrayLove...and make babies.

    Just kidding..

    Now given your and your husbands age you do have couple of years to relax and do your own thing. On the part of your IL s and parents it may be OK to have expectations but too many hints, questions and pressure should not be tolerated.

    When you go to India make your husband sit his parents down, look straight in their eyes and tell them in clear terms that this is not going to happen for couple of years and for them to not raise this topic again. It would be your choice to be present in that talk. The same way you deal with your parents.

    There is nothing disrespectful about this.
     
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  6. santhoshsmiley

    santhoshsmiley New IL'ite

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    dont worry too much now , time will teach you everything , so dont think too much and spoil ur present just enjoy now and be practical and realistic with things , take everything as a lesson and correct ur mistakes , all the best
     
  7. nahor1010

    nahor1010 New IL'ite

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    Best weapon to use at this moment is your work. tell them you have new projects coming up and your manager is planning to get you into those!
     
  8. Swethasri

    Swethasri Platinum IL'ite

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    Just ignore.tell them that you are trying but you do whatever you want to do.if they ask more and more like if you are try then why no good news and ask to go to a doctor lie to them that you went to the doctor and both of you are healthy and its all in gods hands and do whatever you and your husband wants to do.you and your husband shd discuss before you reply to your parents and inlaws.both of you shd have a similar replies.if you know tamil i will tell you one proverb. AADARA MAATTAI AADITHAAN KARAKKANUM PAADARA MAATTTAI PAADITHAAN KARAKKANUM.(somebody who knows tamil please translate this into english).Dont worry abt these relatives they will tell something and go away then you are the people who are going to live your life.Take care.
     
  9. EatPrayLove

    EatPrayLove Silver IL'ite

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    Sigh... Trying to buy time by pretending to listen to their advice.. FIL is very highly opinionated and wants everything/everyone going by his words.. He never listens to what the other party has to say.. so we want to buy time and avoid this confrontation for as long as we can.. it's going to have to happen some time, we both realize that.. point is, this visit is going to be our first visit as a couple after our wedding and their trip later this yr is going to eb the first one after our wedding too.. we want to take it as smoothly as possible but this is something that is going to have to come up anyway :(
     
  10. EatPrayLove

    EatPrayLove Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks! Yup, I know Tamil and I know this proverb too.. We have both been rehearsing our responses and reactions to questions from ppl belonging to different comfort levels.. i am no good at lying/making things up on the spot and my face will give me away.. so i need all this practice.. i had a huge row with dad (after all, i thought he'd side me in this topic, but alas, he goes with mom :() last week or so and he has given it a rest for now.. amma says she doesn't want to discuss this anymore with me and she will submit her applications to God instead - #facepalm! she thinks her request is genuine so God will surely pay heed!

    I do understand our parents were at a worse state financially when they had us all, like what within a year of marriage? (at least mine did).. but times have changed now.. we can't all afford to have kids without planning right? and what's wrong with waiting? we got married at 24 and 25 respectively when our parents thought it was about time.. ours is a love-arranged marriage and we both studied and are now working together here in US.. so they didn't want tongues wagging unnecessarily abt us and asked us to get married.. DH and I whole-heartedly obliged.. if it were for us, we would have waited for 2 more years to even get married..! all along our lives we have taken all our major decisions (ok except in my case, i chose DH myself, but I bet they'd admit they'd never have been able to find another man like DH - they LOVE him) to please our parents and now when we have a whole new life for us to lead - this shud be our choice, right?
     
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