Present Indian Marriages-upgrades Required To Keep Relations Smooth .

It is up to women to improve society. The person who needs change, must bring about change. The husband and his family are not motivated to change since the scale is tipped in their favor ATM. Often, even the woman's parents wash their hands off their daughter after the wedding.

It's probably too late for our generation, but we can help future generations by teaching youngsters how to navigate relationships — tolerance, forgiveness and, most importantly, setting boundaries. Young people need to be able to recognize and walk away from bad relationships without hesitation. We have to make it easier to end bad marriages.

We need to mainstream remarriage. When we accept that some unions end for reasons beyond our control and stop demonizing divorcées/widows, women will be in a better position to protect themselves.

Once it becomes socially acceptable to walk away from bad relationships, everyone becomes accountable. People will think twice before lying about their education/income/lifestyle/health in order to con someone into marrying them. Abusive/alcoholic/unfaithful people will seek help or stay single. As things stand, there are no consequences for bad behavior — instead, victimized spouses and children are forced to become complicit in covering up problems.

Sometimes I despair of seeing substantial change in my lifetime. And then I think the only solution is marriage contracts — like business contracts — where all the terms and conditions are spelled out. And where the fine print specifies the consequences of defaulting on any of the sub clauses.

@yellowmango, thanks for a very thought-provoking and constructive thread. The responses have been insightful and interesting.

 

I agree, I don't understand your system. I am not upset or sad about the fact that I don't understand it. Because I have just married to an Indian, but I am not originally an Indian myself. So, my understanding (how bad it may be) is okay for me to handle, I guess.
I am here to understand it better through Indians perspectives, since I hope it helps my marriage.

What bothers me here is, many of you, who call yourselves as Indians by origins do not seem to understand your society that much. Although you may feel you do, bit you don't.


It is shocking to know that you really do not know the manipulations and the manipulative techniques like (how to keep your husband under your control) that are taught to the girls in India before marriage.
I am talking about Indian system here, because I have close interactions with them in the past 10 years. So I know something.
These are not something to be totally brushed off.

I am aware of the major problems in a patriarchal society, where men and men's family has no real reason to change as long as they are benefiting this social systems. I know, how it can abuse a woman and her family, and how much this cycle can influence to the grass root level leading up to female infanticide.
You know, this is a problem that India is combating now.
The IT professionals from the US may not represent the actual India and I hope you all agree to it.

So, my advice would be to bring the change in the woman, and the way you raise your woman.

In many household, the woman are raised as marriage materials. Their education, freedom, passion, wealth etc..etc.. is determined based on her marriage.
Eg: if you study this, you may find it hard to get a proper groom.
If you roam with freedom, your marriage will become a problem
If you study this long, your marriage will get postponed
Let us save for you, because we may need money for your marriage
Be quit, else you will face marital problems
Learn to cook, else you will be condemned by your in laws
Learn to behave, else you will not get a groom.

See, everything around a woman revolves with her marriage, as if her marriage is the final destination. That is wrong.

A groom's family has nothing to do with the changes. Because they are happy as long as they are prioritized in a woman's life. Who will say NO to such priority and special treatment. So, forget about expecting a social change from their end.
Such posts may sound colorful. It may give you some temporary relief. But that will not practically help you much.

Change the way you bring up your kiddo.
Tell her that it is HER life. She is not suppose to adjust her life and her taste for the husband and in laws that come to share her life with.
If she wants to study further, let her study. Don't bring the marriage topic as a limit to her flying.
Don't tell your girls that it is OK to stay at home. Or it is not the woman's role to earn for the family.
We are talking about Equality. If we want the men to step into the kitchen chores, and if we want to believe that it is OK if men cook or clean the house, then we must educate our girls that it is also OK to work and earn for the family.
Else, it is hard to bring a change.
Educate the girls that the income that they earn is for them, as well as for the family. There is no rule that only men should earn for the family, and the income of the girls is for her security. NO, we should teach them the right things.
Both should earn, both should work at home, both should take responsibilities for the kids, both should plan and run the home.
Their capacity and their roles may differ. There is nothing about Gender, rather it is about their personality.

Because, some woman are forced to feel guilt for going to work by leaving their kids in the day care. But men don't feel bad the same as women. Why?
Some women are made to feel bad if they chose to take rest, thus announce a cooking free day at home. But men don't feel bad to take rest at all. Why?
These are socially attributed issues. We are made to feel like this by our society.
Teach your girls that it is OK to take rest and be assertive about their preferences.

Both men and women have rights and responsibilities towards their FOO. When a girl starts to support her FOO, she will become less bothered about her husband's supports towards his FOO. Both H and W must sit together and fix an amount, time, effort that both can extend towards their extended families.

Forget about the joint family system. Many people know that it is getting difficult with the improved life styles of our youngsters.
Let the elderly parents stay alone as much as they can. This way, the newly wedded get a chance to establish their life style on their own.
Once the married couple become old, and settled, there may be less headache supporting their elderly parents.
The point is, the married couple should be the owners and decision makers of their own marriage under any circumstance. It may not be possible if they chose JF system right after their marriage.

No culture is free from gender discrimination. The degrees vary based on its culture and customs.
Women were considered slaves in some cultures (Jewish), but they are equally respected now.
Women were Goddess in our culture, but we are no longer the same.
It is all about how women are able to bring a change.

 

This is the only mistake me and my parents did. Leaving the decision of my marriage to them. Not daring to speak up when I was not really comfortable. Now 8th year of suffering emotionally, physically abusive and married life. Have a girl child now slowly building up courage and finances to move out or call for help if there is more abuse.

 

Stop the celebratory firings at weddings. There's no marriage to save if the wedding party doesn't survive the wedding.

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I did not stay with ILs much, after marriage. But my Husband is and was like a MIL. He made sure he was worse than a 100 MIL. He was very americanized (on the outside), hiking-biking types, from a premier institute in India, and has done very well for him self career-wise, in the 10 years of our marriage. But at family life- we have failed.

So, even if the new couples live by themselves, if the playing field is not even from the start, it is going to be bad.
So, the man and woman, somehow should be feeling equally, at ease to voice their opinion. I was told, I can't have an opinion- by my husband. I can't read a certain book- Jack Welch's book- because it was career oriented. I can't work. And no negotiation was possible- because I cannot have an opinion- it was abuse. I could not recognize it and could not walk away, I was hormonaly in-love with him.

The man and the woman, have to investigate each other, date each other, and however they achieve the "Level Playing Field" they have to that.

Separation, and walking away from bad relationships have to be main-streamed, like Amica said.

I do not believe in the need to resort to manipulations, to have a good relation with my husband. Sooner or later, the manipulation, will back-fire. In marriage, everything should be on table- all the cards.Any long term relation, cannot have manipulation, in there.