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Preparing For A Move

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Oct 5, 2021.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi everyone

    I know my query is not about married life, but it is still a family matter. Further, I feel I belong here; hence posting for your suggestions.

    I am planning to move out of Sri Lanka to another continent for work. This time, it is a nice country; hence I can take my family along with.
    Further, I and many of my friends are anyways planning for a move given the political and economical instability in Sri Lanka. It is getting worse day by day and we have real concerns about the future of our kids.

    As I have mentioned in another thread, I had a worry about uprooting my children from the most comfortable life style here at home. We never foresee something unstable like this coming up, not even during the war times. Always wanted to settle here, and planned our life style accordingly.

    Education for kids:

    My kids are 10 & 8. Both study in local schools in Sri Lankan language only (That's what everyone study in this country). But we give them English coaching privately.
    Now changing them to English medium was a concern that has put off several of my career decisions in the past. Now that, with the country's instability and with everyone's advice I & my H have decided to take the risk.
    We are giving some crash courses to the kids, and hope they will be alright though it would be tough for them to switch to English medium altogether.

    Our properties:

    We have invested almost all our hard earned money to live a very comfortable life here in Sri Lanka. We have a villa type big house, a nice garden, a coconut estate, cars and nice furniture too.
    We must leave everything back here if we are to move out.
    The worry of leaving our properties is painful.
    We never know whether we would end up permanently living there or moving to another country or returning back to Sri Lanka after 2 years. But definitely we will be visiting home once in 3-4 months on short vacations to be with our extended family.

    For now, we have a maid who can come & clean the house thrice a month. A CCTV and a security guard. My Brother can help with coordinating everything as he lives nearby.
    We may also opt to rent out at least some portions of our house.

    Mom:

    It would be certainly a shock to mom to leave her comfort zone at this age. But she has only 3 choices now.
    She can live all by herself at our home with the help of care worker
    She can move back to her own home where her son & family lives
    She can join us to abroad

    Last time, she clearly stated that she can't move in with her son as she doesn't gel well with SIL (no extended family can adjust with her, not even her own mom)

    Her staying alone at our place (with a maid) has been ruled out by my brother, who feels disrespected if mom opts to stay alone instead of moving in with him who lives in the same locality. His kids really love their granny and my bro too loves her so dearly. But he is clueless or acts as one when it comes to knowing mom's relationship with his wife. Mom won't be discussing this openly with him too, so this is not an OPTION.

    She loves to move in with us, especially she feels home wherever I and my kids live. Even my kids can't be separated from their granny too.
    But she dislikes the fact that she will be moving miles away from her dear son. She already lives far away from her other DD, which is not of her concern. But leaving son WILL DEFINITELY BE A CONCERN TO HER.

    So, once I disclose this news, chances are that mom would find any negative reasons about this move to distract us.
    Either she would pick about kid's education, or leaving properties or covid or whatever.... But surely she will have a say.
    Because she wants both.... Staying with DD and meeting son frequently.
    I understand her concerns, especially at the age of 72 this is the least a single parent wants.

    But this is also about our future. Given the fact that my H doesn't earn or contribute to the family, I must plan and invest for our family's future in the best way possible.
    This is my prime age to work, and loosing out on this kind of chances may mean loosing our future.
    I can't blindly hope for better, while ignoring the chances that God offers.

    Especially I have concerns about my kids future/college/their settlement etc...
    Our health, retirement etc
    More importantly when the country is moving like this.

    I am working on the recruitment matters, but still haven't made any concrete decision about the move.

    I might have to disclose the fact with everyone by next week if I decide to move. So, I need answers to convince mom. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but to convince her to the best way possible

    Please help me
     
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  2. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    Hi OP,

    Here are my thoughts:

    Education for kids:

    This is non-negotiable. One of the main reasons for us to work so hard is to ensure our children have a good and bright future.

    It might be hard in the short term to overcome the language barriers and other things but since your kids are quite young, they will be able to adjust easily anywhere and pick up the language quicker than us actually. Yes, there will be issues initially but those are something you can easily overcome with crash courses which you are already doing at your end. Continue doing it until you feel your children are good enough to handle on their own.

    Our properties:

    Yes, it is always painful to leave our properties and move else where. I know first hand how tough it is even if it is just another state for me. But we have to just go with the flow. Properties in my opinion are something that can be bought at a later time also and/or are there to help us in need. I dont see a point in hanging on to it at the expense of threat or violence to life and family.

    I can see that you have no intention of selling them. Thats a good thing. Whenever things are back to normal at a later stage you can always go back and stay. Or use it as a vacation home whenever you are visiting.

    Mom:

    Let me explain how i deal with my mom. My mom lives with me too.

    So here my mom has a choice. She can either live with her younger daughter or by herself in our village or with my grandparents. But she lives with me because she feels comfortable and happy when she is with my kids and with us.

    Again, i am happy she is living with us. But when it comes to migrating to a new place, i am happy if she joins me and i will ensure she is comfortable in the new place also. I mean in terms of renting a house, or the surrounding i choose to live, i will always ensure my mom is happy with it.

    BUT moving or deciding where to move is not based on her choice. It always is decided by husband and myself depending on our financial situation and considering our childrens' future. We ofcourse ask for her preference among the places we have shortlisted. As long as she is making a valid point of why we shouldnt live somewhere we are ok. But beyond that, if it goes unreasonable like the kids cant adjust, i cant live, it is a bad place without doing the due diligence, we don't usually consider and I politely tell her that our choice is this and she can either come with us and we will be very happy and glad to have her with us but we cant change our plans if there are no valid reasons to do so.

    We ensure she is comfortable in our home; we dont build our home around her. The same goes with our in-laws also.

    Don't worry. Things will soon sort out.
     
    Roar, Viswamitra, shravs3 and 3 others like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Nicely explained. I am so glad that I have people like you to discuss when I am in distress.

    This is exactly my view as well. I make sure that mom is more comfortable wherever we go. Even if that means costly and double struggle, I would still consider her our family and everything that I earn is for the family only.

    My mom prefers to join us, and she wouldn't bother much about the move as long as everyone of us are with her. Obviously she would miss her son, but that's one compromise she has to make.

    But my brother wouldn't allow us to take mom to a far place at this age and pandemic situation. He would rather propose mom to stay behind with him.

    I know, mom can't even spend 1/2 day at brother's place. She doesn't gel well with SIL, and fears my SIL's ability of twisting and turning facts against mom. But, she wouldn't tell any of these to brother fearing unwanted rifts and misunderstanding.
    She would often pretend that she is eager to spend times with her son & family, but circumstances do not allow that to happen. Often cite as if she is needed at my home to support me.

    So, if I take mom, brother will blame me for risking an elderly mother's life for my selfish needs. If something goes wrong I will be forced to feel guilt for life
    If I leave mom behind, she would make sure I also stay back with all kinds of emotional drama.
     
  4. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Truly happy for you :)

    but this must be a real dilemma for you. Will your organisation continue to provide support for your mums relocation including medical? Can she get a long term visa in the said location if your company does not sponsor it? These might be open things you want to discuss with her for her to make a decision. For me I would think that she could go 8 months with you then 4 months back in SL but with pandemic and all it will be tough. She might try to ask you to rethink your decision but think about your future and not the past. I’ve followed your journey and think this might be good for you. I am sure you will be in a tough spot but your mum needs to also understand that this should be her decision now and not yours…Good luck :)

    Also, if possible try asking your company to provide additional tuition support for your kids to transition back to English medium. Might help them if they need it.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you for your response.

    As for insurance, the office is responsible for all my dependents including mom as long as I have the contract - which is for 2 years right now/renewable.
    The visa thing remains the same too. For the initial years we will definitely visit home at least 3 times a year on vacation, especially to be with our extended family. So, mom gets time to be with her other children.

    As for language class, i doubt our office has something for the kids. But I can any future colleagues to recommend some crash courses that suits my kids before they join school. At the same time, I would continue the current crash course through Sri Lankan teachers virtually too.

    In fact, I started studying in English medium only after my A/Ls at the age of 18. But I was able to pick up the language and finish my degree in English medium so well. I believe my kids will follow my foot steps in that as well
     
  6. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye Gold IL'ite

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    Are you sinhalese? I have always always thought if you're not a sinhalese you cant have your root (peacefully) in Lanka. Been to Sri lanka couple of times. Unawatuna,Galle,Kandy are my fav destinations...ministry of Crabs:yum:

    On topic: You can convince your mom to stay at your bro place,with an arrangement of having a full time help for her,while she can visit your home(nearby) once in while. If she is uncomfortable she can join you(try to convince her on the first point ,this can be a back up) However you have the option of visiting her thrice a year
    Making her move to an entirely new place and adopting to that environment and lifestyle is quite too much for her age.JMO
    For kids its a new opportunity to explore. They'll be fine provided kids can socialize pretty easily.

    All the best:)
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2021
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    English is an easy language. I wouldn’t worry too much about that.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    1) Disclose the facts
    2) List the options your mom has
    3) Listen to the concerns your brother and mom have
    4) Acknowledge their concerns
    5) Convincing them about anything is not your job
    6) Repeat steps 1-5 as needed.

    This applies to many situations in life:
    Listen and acknowledge everybody's concerns. Solve only yours.
     
    shreepriya, shravs3 and Anisu like this.
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks everyone. I wish my problems were that easy to handle as @Rihana mentioned. In fact, not the problems but the people who are in my life are tougher.

    I can acknowledge their concerns, but leaving them abruptly after acknowledging wouldn't end my problems.

    But this time i will speak with mom more clearly
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Your kids will adjust in no time. You can ask them to watch english cartoons ( example, dora's explorer or similar), give tutions etc..to help with English.
    You should listen to your mom. Most of the old people find it difficult to adjust due to cold weather. As you are going to a place with good weather, I guess its not a problem. If your mom is willing to come with you take her. But inform her in advance the limitations of new place. She can video call her son every day. Thats the only option she has. If she can't adjust with you in this place, then only consider sending her back to Srilanka, but warn her that she has to live with her son. I wont suggest her to live alone in your home, its not safe. Also, she may feel lonely and you wont get peace of mind.

    Moreover, you cant expect the same luxury in a developed country. It take time to establish your home, you all have to do households jobs plus space issue (depends on the new place, mostly one or two bedroom apartment). Another issue is food. If you can find an Indian or Srilankan store that can be solved to some extent. Old people find it difficult to adjust to new food or routines.
    It may take some time to adjust, but I am sure you all will be alright.

    @SGBV, Congratulations on your new position. I am sure it will be a good change for you all and your husband will be able to find good job.
     
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2021

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