Power of Words-in relations

Tridev, always I am abused of my love. As if I did everything without their knowledge. I got their permission before taking up the commitment. If I ask "So what?" he will start explaining what others talk about me. Hope you will understand...to what level I will be abused.

"What next?" suits me here. I hint him saying "Okay I got bored of this topic. Accuse me for something new."

 

Its my dad Tridev. No one will talk to my dad about me. I am damn sure about it. Simply he will build stories to threaten me and keep me mum. He does the same with my mom too.

 

Thanks Tridev for starting this thread.

I like this quote from bible:

"What goes into a person's mouth doesn't make him unclean. It's what comes out of the mouth that makes a person unclean"


I came out of a very bad abusive relationship. At first I thought he was doing it out of frustation. Then, I thought I might be making him very angry. But it took several days, months and years for me to know that it's just him and he is very well aware of his actions.

At the initial days of marriage, when he was verbally abusive towards me and my parents, I took this to my parents attention. My dad suggested me to calm down or walk away from the place when there was heated a argument, let him cool down and talk to him when he is calmer. I followed his suggestion. Most of the times I kept quite even when I knew it's not my fault. But he took advantage of my efforts of trying to reconcile and would use the abusive language more often. He took my efforts to reconcile as "surrendering myself into his control".
I think if it's just his anger, he would tried to mend his ways and apologized for his actions. But he is very well aware of his actions and he acted the way he did intentionally.

Most of us do use abusive words when pushed into a corner or angriest of our moods. Sometimes these words may not come out of our heart but just out of our mouth. But after we calm down, we do introspect ourselves, feel ashamed of our behavior, apologize, ask forgiveness and most importantly not repeat that again even if we are pushed to the extreme limits next time. Learning from our mistakes. But this does not happen in abusive relationships.

Coolphani mentioned about her husband picking up the behavior from his dad. This is the very reason I dropped the plan of having kids when I was in the relationship. Today I am very glad that I live in much cleaner and healthier environment.

 

Words are really powerful..Good and Bad both.

When I was in an abusive relationship like Shilpama and Coolphani..I was really shocked when he called me names and said things I thought only uneducated and drunks told their wives( how naive I was).

I did not know how to react..Crying made it worse because I did not want to show my weakness but I couldn't help it.

After a few years I learned to face it ...but it still hurt. When I walked out ... I may have carried some bad conditioning.

In my new relationship ... I would lash out and speak loudly sometimes in the beginning. I realised that I had learned this from my past. I had to seriously focus on being a better person. Count till 10 before I spoke and took some couselling.

My current spouse helped me a lot with this. He is soft spoken and very much a gentleman.

This might sound bad to Coolphani ...but I think you need to do something about your situation. Bad,loud,insensitive words is the basis of emotional abuse.

JMO.
FL.

 

Tridev,

I agree with you completely that "how we react..." matters. But when he/she chooses to react in abusive way even to respond to the simplest of the matters and is completely aware of his/her actions, then how can one deal with such people. Either the person taking the abuse becomes aggressive and equally abusive or goes into a shell called depression.

There are humans who fight for the basic necessities of life (food, clothes and shelter). When we have everything and have a far better lives than so many, why can't we just thank GOD every day and make our lives any easier?

Tridev, I pray to GOD that you find peace.

 

Tridev,

Yes, I get very angry when my DH starts loosing his temper. But I never yell back, I just argue with him on why he thinks the way he thinks, the worst I could say is "whatever" or the worst I can do is walk out on him and come back later in the day. I always try to resolve issues peacefully. I try to work it out with my DH on why we had a fight and try to bring it a closure and restore the harmony at home but he hardly responds which is frustrating. He thinks I am falling at his feet and apologizing because of a grave mistake I had just committed. No, that's not how it is..I just try to talk to him and bring him back to normal because I am just looking for a normal, peaceful happy couple-life.Not that I can't live without talking to him or if he gives me the silent treatment. It's just that I believe that Life is too short -you'll never know -anything can happen tomorrow so why make it complicated and unhappy when you are still alive and kicking? I might not be right but again that's what I believe in:bonk
But I see him changing Tridev... snail pace !!

these days even though he doesn't accept his mistakes he usually get backs to normal within an hour or two but as usual I have to break the ice or start a conversation


Yes, Tridev I agree my DH might not be getting the emotional support from me. I did change after my mom's advice. It's not that I don't give him suggestions . I always do .Previously he used to ignore them nowadays he tries to at least sit down and discuss with me.
The bad part is those 2 friends do him more harm than good. One of the friend is always poking into our married life trying to separate us. I have no clue what he gains from separating us

 

Thanks for the post Srividya, It made a lot of sense , atleast to me

Yes, FL I knew I had to do something. I did what I could with my Mom's help. I give the entire credit to my parents.My dad and my mom also spoke to us several times on what needs to change in both of our attitudes, the last time they were here, so that we can coexist peacefully. We are working on it and I do see a lot of changes in my DH -he sure has a long way to go and i know I have to be very very patient. I know it's frustrating and he can't change overnight but I am hopeful.If everything falls apart and we separate in the future I shouldn't regret that we hadn't tried.

Archana, I am also doing the same-putting off having a kid till I am confident that my DH has changed enough for me to have a kid and I am comfortable growing old with him.

My DH has definitely picked it up from his Dad. I know he has no clue what half of what he says actually mean.He just knows that they are filthy words and I get angry and emotional when he uses them.