pls. advise hw to fight back financial dominance by hubby :(

I agree with Nandu 200%

I too have similar issues in my marriage.... Your above words reflect what I have decided regarding my life.
All the financial related issues and misunderstanding will get resolved once our personal issues are cleared.

Arguing and fighting back alone do not solve your problems. It will further damage your family life.

Find out what makes your hubby feel insecure about your finances. Do not complain, do not fight or say reasons to validate your arguments. That wouldn't help you.

Also, you can ignore his comments about your expenses as the way how he ignores your comments in this matter. If he says, he knows what he is doing.. Then tell him that you too know what you are doing Simple.

 

Hey,

I am also sailing in the same boat as you...But now, I have somehow controlled my life as per my wishes. Hope you would have read my previous posts/threads regarding these financial issues in my marriage.

My DH is the same as yours.. Only one differnt is that I earn more than him, but due to accessibility issues of the place where I am working, I was compelled to save everything (100%) in his account. To validate this, he had 100000000s of reasons.

Though he doesn't question about my expenditure, it somehow controlled my own financial management as per my stle. Like you, i too want to save more, and I am bit cautious when it comes to investments. He is right opposit to me, so invest and spend without thinking too much (and many times without my knowledge with a simple excuse that I am living far from him, and can't judge his points;(

I did fight with him for my rights... There were many arguments, silent treatments, and finally as a blunt action I stopped sending him my salary. All my actions were well justified, as everyone knows he was 100% wrong in this regard. He had no say, but it has seriousely affected our love life.

My husband is a very nice, caring and loving person. We had a love marriage too. But his financial related actions were pissed me off many times, and that spoiled our entire happiness.

There were times, I felt like what is my priority here.. Does financial freedom or my husband's love value the most? I understood my priorities only after having spent a couple of days "emotionally away " from him. That really made me think...

I started to analyse (still analysing) the reasons for his insecurity.,.. May be it is because of his family practice, may be because of my international posting and high salary, or some other reasons.. But it is confirmed that my DH has financial insecurity.

He saves everything on his saving acc... and many times he was reluctant to change the acc as joint one; However, he deposits/invest everything on our joint name. He buys me gold/precious gifts and all the expensive stuff to keep me cool. Gives his ATMs and credit cards for my use without questioning.. What he didn't do is that he keeps all the documents, savings and everything under his control,( means under his locker or name)

I thought, OK... Why not give him sometimes to realise that I will never run away from him with all these money... and my husband means a lot to me than all these dollars. So, I started forgiving him.. No talks about money, send him my salary once again, and told him clearly that I love him.. I could have taken everything easily as it is all my hard earned money, but I respect and trust him than anything.

Also I told him that I am hurt, and I don't want those dark days again in our life. This treatment seems working very well than any of the other attempts.

Yes, Just now, I have checked my joint acc (through internet) and he has deposited everything (all our money) in this acc. I have access to it, and he has whole heartedly welcomed me to India to start our family life from this March.

My advice is... You are the right person to decide in your case. If you think your husband is genuine and a nice person, except this financial insecurity issue. Then analyse all the possible reasons behind his motive.

- Any chances for him to think that you may help your parents/siblings financially?
- Any chances for him to think that your financial management capacity needs to be improved?
- Any chances that your ILs influence him too much?
- How about his family practice... Is women given more financial freedom in his home?

Analyse everything... You may find a clue.

If you think that your DH has some other motives, other than this financial insecurity, then please move on as I pointed out in my last para.. Ignore his comments and tell him that you know what you are doing.

He will fight until he understands you.. Once understood, the fighting will come to an end.

Just my 2 cents

 

I too had the same problems. I always think twice before puting our money into any investments. I consult with reliable professionals, friends and relatives to get their opinion on it and act accordingly.
I always double check which bank is good, which pays more interest, and which is more reliable befor opening an account. Also when it comes to expenses, I check at least 3 times whether the price is OK to pay. I never liked branded items unless it is something very important like watch, jewels, or quality cloths. This is how I was brought up since childhood.

Whereas my DH always falls into branded things, buys high quality cloths, deposits in highly reputed bank (regardless of its interest and other facilities), never consult with anyone as he thinks others may change our ideas (I wonder how others can change you when you are so sure about your judgement:bonk). This is how his father, and his family. My husband is used to this life style since childhood.

He always think I take risk by investing in a foreign bank... My family and friends may influence in my financial decisions, and so on.... This is what behind his financial insecurity.

You can't change someone's perception immediately... It takes time.

Take some brave steps to prove him that you are not a small kid. You are an educated working woman, who knows what is right and wrong. If he keeps on commenting your expenses, tell him clearly that you need them. Do not prolong any fights. Just finish your topics and move on. He will understand and accept your decisions after sometimes.

Similarly do not comment on his style of financial management as long as it is not so bad. Leave him to decide, but make sure the decision is well informed and involved your ideas.