Plight of a MIL

@docathome- Agree but how will change happen unless we change that? In my opinion, there is no need for educated (or otherwise) women to be subservient to their husbands or his family. Hiring the maid or not is not the question. Even abroad, it is not unreasonable to hire a maid. It is the whole male entitelment thing is not something I buy.

If you have hired help, it should be fine but in so many cases even with all hired help, some women catch no break. Frankly, hired help or not, I never wanted to be the one who is solely responsible for managing the home. No matter where I lived, I would expect my husband to share responsibilities for our home.

 

I am not so sure about this 'taking a cue ...' business. My expectation of a modern young woman would be a measure of confidence and basic good manners. Even if he is a lazy fellow, I see absolutely no reason for the daughter-in-law not to say to her husband "hey, you know we shouldn't sit around and let your mother wait on us like this. She has a career too, just like us. I'd expect you to help me keep house, so we should help your mum ..." and so on. There's nothing stopping her from being a good influence in the household and on her husband. It is common decency of a sort that does not call for any great refinement. The point is not exonerate the son, but to suggest that this is a simple matter that supports independent thought, not requiring deep consultations and trips to the library.

All that stuff about going to the police and whatnot is in frightfully bad taste. Absent an abject apology, it is revealing of a certain mindset - one that would make me permanently wary.

 

JAG, I cannot deny seeing your point in this statement. Besides, since the son and dil don't want to move out now, I guess she does have a legitimate grouse.

 

But she has been tried in absentia and verdict passed and now I doubt u will even hear back.

I try to add a different perspective in a thread. Which is why I read the whole thread and responses before I post.

Yes as I said before DH and DW are one unit...it works both ways .
There are times when I am in the kitchen with MIL 10 hrs straight and DH is watching TV but there are just as many days when DH is fixing water pump on hot indian summer day at my dads place or getting milk at 4 am because we had unexpected guests and I am in the room with the A/C turned on taking a nap.

 

- DIL did not help for two years , she never informed anything to MIl in these years , Dil communicated through son to MIL not other way round , son took the fight to mom and mom sympathized according to me not instigated the fight , DIL then spat on MIL and threatened police ..

According to me DIL needs teaching more than MIL she lacks basic manners and spits on people ...by the advice here I think It will be perfectly ok if SNIL follows daughter and does the same to her mother and we will all teach her mother to put up with it because daughter is like that

 

While the DIL's behavior is clearly wrong, nowhere has the OP mentioned that OP spat on MIL. It just says that she spat, probably not on any one else. Let us stick to what OP said only, and not infer any thing else. OP can clarify this point if she wants to.

 

@nb25:
Spat on or spat at - MIL is feeling disrespected. That's her main concern even after DIL threatened to go to the police station.

 

Things could have been a lot different if OP and her husband had asked the son to wait for some more time before getting married, till he was capable of at least renting a separate establishment for himself and his wife.

OK, this is not the normal thing Indian parents do, as they want their sons to stay wih them or would consider this as "throwing out" their son and dil. It need not be so. One Today one has to be prepared to accept that dils have minds of their own - whether they are screwed on right or wrong is a different matter altogether - and have a perfectly legitimate right to lead their lives their own way. Only then they should be capable of paying for their own establishment and not impose on the ILs. It would not be unreasonably to very nicely tell the son and dil that they should live on their own at least for the first few years of marriage till they bond with each other and not worry about the parents. This way they would not harbour a grudge either.

In today's situation, the couple has 3 options:

Go stay separate.
Go stay with her parents if you can't afford to pay for your own set up.
Stay here and behave yourselves. No being rude, no spitting. We are not insisting on you staying here. It's your choice.

In the same vein as we tell dils who come here with problems, it would not hurt the mil in this case to ignore the dil, get on with her own work and life, cook for herself and her husband. Let the son and dil look after their own needs.