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Please Suggest Solution For This Problem.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by dolly1970, Oct 15, 2023.

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Oct 15, 2023 #1
dolly1970 New IL'ite

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We are married for 27 years now. My husband always have problem with my side of family, first with my father when he passed away then my mother till she passed away, then my brother till his unfortunate death at young age. I also have 2 other married sisters. One is in US and another is in india and I am in Dubai.
My husband was having ok ok relationship with my sister and their families. Whenever we visit india, he prefer to stay with my sister house. My husband was never happy if I visit my family to if anyone from my family visit me. But if he visit india he was ok to stay with my sister family as she has big and comfortable house.

Unfortunately, last years my sister husband expired due to sudden heart attack at the age of 48.

My husband behaved very immaturely. He was asking me not to go as I was just recovered from COVID. (almost a moth before I had COVID. And I travelled to USA afterwards.). He talked with my another BIL and he said that his wife ( my another sister) is going to india as now these 2 sister has left and she will be in india for needed support. My another BIL could not travel as they have small kids. One parents has to be at home. My kids are big enough to take care of themselves.

Unwillingly, he agreed that I should visit India. I was very upset with his behavior at the hour of need. when I asked him that you should also come along with me. He said that he can’t go as he is feeling week after COVID. But after a week he travelled to USA. We all know that this is just an excuse for not going and not send me too.

Though my husband send message to her for condolences and gave the same reason not to visit her. He mentioned that he is going to USA after a week. We all got the feeling that he is making excuse for not going to india.

I went to india to be with my sister. My sister was very very upset with my husband for not visiting her in her tough time. She was expecting him to be her side as he is the eldest in the family. Though he send message to her for condolences and gave the same reason not to visit her. she stopped picking his call at all. After 3months he visited india to see her but she refused to see him and talk with him as she was very upset. It hurt his ego. Since then they both are not talking with each other.

My son and her son has good bonding. My son is visiting me for a week by end of Oct. Her son wanted to meet my son in Dubai. He is 16 years old. I informed my husband about his visit and he said that he can’t come to my house as his mother is not talking with him.

I tried to convince him that whatever is happening it is between adult and he is small boy and wanted to meet his cousin but he said that he is not comfortable him visiting Dubai. I told him that he is my family and my family can come and visit us in Dubai. Then he will start shouting and the discussion end without any decision.
My son also tried to convince him and told him that please keep kids out of it but he also got the same answer that he is not comfortable if he visit Dubai.

He behaved the same when my father, mother and my brother died. As an eldest daughter, I feel responsible towards my sister. I feel that he is illogical and unreasonable. He is not behaving maturely.
My sister son is excited to visit Dubai and meeting his cousin. He is young and innocent. My family has all the right to visit me.

What should I do ?

dolly1970, Oct 15, 2023

dolly1970, Oct 15, 2023

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Oct 16, 2023 #2

shama146 Gold IL'ite

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Your husband is an MCP. Doing all this just to dominate and mentally disturb you.
It would be foolish to call your nephew at your place. Coz your H will create a big drama in front of that innocent boy. He will also not enjoy his stay in your H place.
I think it would be better if you have an open chat with your sister and inform her how's your moron H is behaving. Tell your son to meet his cousin at some different place. Don't hide anything from your sis. The cousins can bond somewhere else also.
I know how these things hurt, but one can't change such husbands.

shama146, Oct 16, 2023

shama146, Oct 16, 2023

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Oct 16, 2023 #3

dolly1970 New IL'ite

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Thank you shama
I had talk with my sister and told her about everything.
But this is happening since our marriage and if I will put check on this will continue for lifetime. In that case, I can never invite my family at my home.
Boys are really excited to see each other and they had hard time getting permission from school and colleges.
I am thinking that I let them come and keep them in hotel. I and my son will also shift to hotel for them. That way, they will not see my husband sulking face and they can enjoy our company for few days.
I will have hard time may be fighting too but I feel I am not doing anything wrong.

dolly1970, Oct 16, 2023

dolly1970, Oct 16, 2023

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Oct 16, 2023 #4

lavani Platinum IL'ite

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dolly1970 said: ↑

Thank you shama
I had talk with my sister and told her about everything.
But this is happening since our marriage and if I will put check on this will continue for lifetime. In that case, I can never invite my family at my home.
Boys are really excited to see each other and they had hard time getting permission from school and colleges.
I am thinking that I let them come and keep them in hotel. I and my son will also shift to hotel for them. That way, they will not see my husband sulking face and they can enjoy our company for few days.
I will have hard time may be fighting too but I feel I am not doing anything wrong.
Click to expand...

Why you cannot invite. after 27 yrs. why this childish issue.

Or let me ask.

What is the max he will do if you invite. will he just vent and close himself in a room,

or become violent.

the reason i ask is sometimes, you can accept a Vent and just accept this is how it is . there is no mantra or medicine to fix. if he just vents. you can communicate, this is how it is. you need to make sure elders (his ego), cannot affect the new generation's bonding's. your kids and his cousins needs to have a bonding. he or you are not going to live for ever. he needs to take a hit on his ego. and on his benefit - stop overanalyzing and do your thing.

violence is another issue by itself. not sure i can say anything/

lavani, Oct 16, 2023

lavani, Oct 16, 2023

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Oct 16, 2023 #5

lavani Platinum IL'ite

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dolly1970 said: ↑

Thank you shama
I had talk with my sister and told her about everything.
But this is happening since our marriage and if I will put check on this will continue for lifetime. In that case, I can never invite my family at my home.
Boys are really excited to see each other and they had hard time getting permission from school and colleges.
I am thinking that I let them come and keep them in hotel. I and my son will also shift to hotel for them. That way, they will not see my husband sulking face and they can enjoy our company for few days.
I will have hard time may be fighting too but I feel I am not doing anything wrong.
Click to expand...

let them see his sulking . why are you overthinking. i remember my Athimber (dad's sister spouse) was never happy whenever my parents dropped in their house for holidays. But i and my bro had a great time with my cousins.

now after 20 yrs, we just laugh about it.

these are not new issues. it has been going in multiple families for years.

booking a hotel , i do not recommend. it is just a band aid. stand your ground respectfully, and let the kids enjoy.

lavani, Oct 16, 2023

lavani, Oct 16, 2023

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Oct 16, 2023 #6

MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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I agree with @lavani. Every family has some version of this issue.
What is your husband going to do if your nephew comes to your home? Is he physically going to barricade the door against the boy? Is he going to yell? His behavior is already known to your family, and the child will be aware of it. This is as much your house as your husband’s. Let your nephew come and the cousins can spend some good times together.

MalStrom, Oct 16, 2023

MalStrom, Oct 16, 2023

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Oct 17, 2023 #7

Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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dolly1970 said: ↑

He behaved the same when my father, mother and my brother died. As an eldest daughter, I feel responsible towards my sister. I feel that he is illogical and unreasonable. He is not behaving maturely.
My sister son is excited to visit Dubai and meeting his cousin. He is young and innocent. My family has all the right to visit me.

What should I do ?
Click to expand...

I had to read your post twice to make sure I am reading your husband's behavior correctly and the timeline of events.

He is having a petty ongoing tiff with a sister-in-law who lost her husband in her 40's? I am guessing your husband must be at least 50+. Surely he knows how to smooth things over in such situations? He is the elder one here, lives abroad, she is younger and has lost a family member!!!

About the nephew's visit - your husband is saying no to the Dubai trip / hosting of a 16 year old who has lost his father in the last year or so? A trip that all others are so excited about? Unbelievable.

I really don't know what to say. Your husband should go stay in a hotel and sulk alone. Why should you miss out on hosting your nephew at home? Why should your son miss out on staying at home when he is visiting for only a week!!! Unless your husband might get violent, put your foot down. Stop discussing the matter. Make the necessary plans and preparation. Closeness between cousins who live in different countries is such a precious gift.

Rihana, Oct 17, 2023

Rihana, Oct 17, 2023

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Oct 17, 2023 #8

DDream Finest Post Winner

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You can host your family members in your home and I guess, he hosts his extended families too. Tell your husband that if he has a problem, he can live somewhere else. Why do you adjust all the time. Mirroring is not good, but in this case you can tell him, if he creates a scene, you will never allow his family members in your home or life ever, rules are same for every one. He has to grow up instead of behaving like a child. These kind of men don't change easily and consider wife as a furniture with no emotions. How can he do this to a kid, especially in these circumstances ? I dont understand why a wife needs to ask his permission for every thing, just inform necessary things, thsts all.

If he is a violent or physicslly abusive person, no point in living with him. Be cool, firm and assertive. More actions than words.
The issue of your husband not attending funeral, or delay in visiting your sister for whatever reasons - sometimes these can happen especially when we live outside of India. But, it should not be an issue to completely break a family relationship. Everyone should act in a practical and mature way.
Hope everything work out well and the cousins have a blast!

Last edited: Oct 17, 2023

DDream, Oct 17, 2023

DDream, Oct 17, 2023

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Oct 17, 2023 #9

Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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I agree 100% with what ILites said above. Your husband is mean, self-centered, and non-social. He did so many things before and everyone forgot and forgave him because he was the oldest son-in-law of the house. He didn't show up for the funeral of your brother in law and your sister got pissed as it was an extreme sadness in her life. Besides, he went to the US the following week and made it known to everyone to irritate them. When he showed up later, your sister didn't want to see him. What he should have done is to apologize to her and returned. Instead, he is carrying it in his heart and now trying to settle score with her son. This is beyond anyone's imagination.

Go ahead with your plan to invite your nephew and allow your son to interact with him. After all he is coming to spend time with his cousin and that too just for a week. Shower your nephew with a lot of love and show him around as much as possible. At best, your husband will show his big face and fight with you which he does regularly anyways. Just ignore him and proceed with the plan. Put your foot down and tell him it is not appropriate to show his anger to a child even if he has differences with your sister. He needs to go and talk to her like a man if he has any issues.

Frankly, everyone living with his behavior right from the beginning has resulted in him trying more and more. Once you put your foot down, hopefully, he will learn his lesson.

Viswamitra, Oct 17, 2023

Viswamitra, Oct 17, 2023

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Oct 17, 2023 #10

dolly1970 New IL'ite

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Thank you friends, it gave me lots of courage.
My husband is highly educated and in an esteem and prestigious job. But when it comes to his personality, he is an egoistic person. I am generally an outgoing person, loves to mingle around and make friends. Due to his problem I started doing the same with his family too. But then I realized that, it is not his family problem so I started having good relation with his family too. I even invited his mother, his nephew last year.

He is arguing with me that I should discuss with him before inviting anyone and we both should decides that who could be our guest. I feel that this is his way of manipulation. I agreed that it is ok when we invite any friends, but they are family. When comes to his family it is ok to visit us. But when it comes to my family he is not comfortable.

I should not spoil kids trip due to his personal problem. I too feel this is the time cousins should mingle around and if children will know the real reason ( if not now, may be in future) that there trip is cancelled then they will never respect my husband.

Thank you all my indus sakhis for giving the input that made my decision strong to invite children at home.

dolly1970, Oct 17, 2023

dolly1970, Oct 17, 2023

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