Please help me :(

I dont know what POV other people are seeing in this bride who is zzzimply torturing her ILs. I know and can understand anurima's POV because it has happened in my family. General perception of the people is that girls are always tortured and no body believes when it is the other way around.

If you go to saveindianfamily.org you would know what I am talking about.. millions of educated young guys, their poor old parents suffering torture from such DILs. so let us not assume that it is only MIL/FIL/SILs who can give tough time, it is definitely the other way around too....

It is clearly a compatibility issue.....she is pissed off with her husband thats why so much irritation etc.....I am not sure how much ur BIL is putting in to save the marriage.......If someone throws vessels and shouts, Shud we only think that person must be very hurt , that is why she is doing that and justify her? why not consider the other possibility that she must be errant rebellion child who must have given tough time to her parents too.. There are lots of DILs who are extremely manipulative...

Anurima, to be very ruthlessely practical, if she is using sexual relations as a weapon to manipulate everyone and has no hesitation in mentioning these things in front of elderly, then she can go to any length. If such a situation is really a reality and based on reading only your last post, i must say your BIL will be happy in the long run if he gets divorce frm this lady ( if she gives, which she wont very easily as she sounds like a cheap person who is trying to manipulate to extract money)- her mindset is - 'Become like what I want you to be or else face a false harassment case and am not leaving you without making u bankrupt"

My golden advice ( seriously been there done that situation here): Seek legal help right now before the situation goes out of hand SIMULTANEOULY your BIL trying to save marriage and working on it by STAYING SEPERATELY from his mom for a while only ( although its upto him, he can say no as his Mom is old and dependent on him)..... Since the whole street knows abt her tantrums, it wud be in ur BIL's favor.....dont get caught unawares by her false case as my aunt's family were, situations were really v grim here....

good luck!
keep posted

 

Anurima,

I didn't mean to hurt you, sorry if you are feeling hurt. And about marrying your bil, that was not meant literally... just meant to say, you can only be the wife to one guy so don't try to steal bil's wife's lime light. But from what you've said in your most recent post, looks like you haven't been doing that. However, how do you not know your bil's mom is not continuing to talk about you even in your absence? How do you know what it is like living with bil's mom? For all you know she could be a different person around you and different person around bil's wife.

From what I understand, this was an arranged marriage, right? So, your bil should have been clear from the beginning that this was going to be a joint family. And his wife should have realized what she's getting into. Or maybe she was fine with joint family, but after living with bil's mom, changed her mind and wanted to live seperately. See, without knowing all the people involved, it's hard to tell what's going on. Even you who know them so well, don't know everything... because you aren't there 24/7 to see stuff happening. That's why... you should just tell your bil to sort things out between his wife WITHOUT involving his mom or you or anyone else. It sounds like he is not giving this marriage his all, and instead idolizing the single life and going back to hanging out with you and your hubby all the time. He needs to get focused, get mature, and try to work things out before it all falls apart. Maybe even try to live in a nuclear family.... close by to his family but not in the same house.

About not having sex.... well, she wants to live seperately and is probably using the only tool she has to convince your bil. I might do that too if I were in her situation and had no other bargaining chips. I think this is just an act of desperation on her part to get what she wants (i.e. live seperately). If your bil cares about this girl a lot, then I think he should move out with her. But if he is not interested in giving in to a few of her wishes, then probably she won't change either, and this marriage isn't going to work. Looks like things are almost to a stand still.

Have your bil ask her what are her main reasons for wanting to move out. If those turn out to be valid reasons, then maybe she has a point. He also needs to explain to her that the honeymoon phase is over, and everyday can't be about going out on the town... and that someday's are just going to be spent at home watching tv, playing cards, or whatever. I find it odd though that she constantly wants out of the house where his mom is.... have bil ask what exactly his mom is doing that has caused her to hate staying at home. Maybe when he starts asking some questions like these, the real truth will start to come out. Maybe bil's wife is a nasty woman who just wants to have things her way or the high way. Or maybe she is a women being picked on night and day by bil's mom when he is away at work and she's desperate to escape the abuse. Or maybe bil's mom is fine, and the wife just wants to live seperately for privacy's sake. I have no reason to favor your bil's wife. I'm just saying what I feel about the situation. Without him getting to the bottom of things, it'll never get better. Instead of gossiping nasty crap about his wife, your bil needs to dig deep in his questions to her and come up with a solution where both of them are happy.

Just my opinion!!

 

Dear ,

How many people live in your BIL house?Beleive it or not the truth is now a days no one likes to live in joint family,She might be telling you in harsh way but that is the reality.
Again lot of families have different combinations.In one house husband might be ride and other house has rude wife.It's really upto your BIL to continue this life or look for seperation.No one can change the person.
But don't look to keep everyone in same house.Things will not work that way.Coming to eat food outside everyday,I know friends who married for 10 years and the wifes don't like cooking food,either they order and pick up home made foods or husbands cook because in these cases women also earn money.So they have that financial strength.If both wife and husband working then men also should contribute to house work and that is todays generation expecations.
I beleive you only know the story from your side people and you don't know her side of the story.So talk to your BIL and see he can set up a seperate family and he should ask him how he feel overall about his wife and he wanted to adjust in the marraige or not.

 

Hi Aniruma

I was just telling you from my personal experience that mil never praises her own dil however good she may be. My mil is known as the best person in her society. Everybody is fond of her and she is also friendly with everybody. I have seen her laughing and being good to everyone. So people will definetely think that i am the luckiest person to have such a good mil but actually its not the case. Initially she used to taunt me but dh spoke to her about it and the matter was solved.So now although that habit is not gone forever, it has been less atleast. The problem is she hardly talks to me . We dont have much of a conversation. Even when they had come to U.S. to meet us , both mil and fil used to talk only to dh and hardly used to talk with me. My dh observed it also and said dont bother much.As long as there is no fights ,just leave it. So i was fine then.

But my point is from your angle maybe you may feel that your co sisters mil is good but maybe she might not be good to her. Or maybe it might be the other way around where your mil may be good to her and she might not be good.

So the solution is sometimes what we might see or hear might not be true. So in that case your bil has to talk to his wife face to face , analyse both the parties and then come to a proper solution.When your bil is in office , he does not know what his mom and his wife are dealing. Who knows why your co sister is so much frustrated. Maybe she might be wrong or maybe she might be right. You never know what is the problem behind all this.

So you just be relaxed and leave the situation to your bil, his wife and mil. Let them discuss and solve the matters to themselves.

 

Anurima, your second post gives more information, it is much clearer.

I have no reason to be biased towards your co-sister, but owing to the huge number of instances where DILs face problems in early days of marriage in a joint family, I still give the benefit of the doubt to your co-sister.

I'd like to give an example. I have a wicked SIL. She hates her own brother and is constantly creating problems between her brother and parents. My ILs don't realize what she does. Her friends feel she is a very good friend, who is always there to help anyone in need. DH and I know her true colors. But to everyone else she is an innocent girl.

What I am trying to tell is - not everyone gets the exact same behavior from a person. You may think your BILs mom is very sweet, but maybe she is showing her true colors to her DIL. As a husband it is your BIL's responsibility to try to understand the situation from his wife's point of view too. If it turns out that you co-sister is wrong, then fight with her, but before that, she should be given an unbiased chance to explain her point of view.