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please help me i am in deep trouble

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by bublee, Apr 14, 2010.

  1. bublee

    bublee New IL'ite

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    hello

    i am a middle class woman married for 8 years. i have one kid aged 6 yrs.
    recently i found out that he(husband) is gay. but when i asked him he is not accepting. he has registered his profile in gay sites and seeking gays and describing his first experience. (i stumbled upon this when i accidently clicked a link from previous history in the tab) but he is telling he simply typed it to know what it is all about. but i am sure that he has had that encounter when i visited my sibling in last vacation.(has gone for frequent browsing in outside centres he has mentioned this in his account book like browsing rs.20/ etc. he keeps account of even 1 re he has spent. in the end he has accounted Rs.4000/ not mentioning the purpose he has spent for . this i am sure is for having gay sex eg. may be for taking hotel rooms, etc.)

    what to do now
    any body out there help me
    he is not confessing
    he is telling no
    but i know he has done.

    please help me . . . what to do i am heart broken
     
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  2. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello dear hang on a bit..... I would suggest that you observe the situation for the next month... without confronting or even giving him an inkling as to you suspect something.. check your comp history after he uses it and also his mobile phone.. record down nos which you are not familiar with... Be a super spy....
    If you find any or enough evidence confront... or else wait till you can lay your hands on it...
    He may be a closeted Gay and now has discovered his sexual preference...
    Do talk casually about gays and their rights see his reaction...let him know that you are all for their freedom etc maybe then he may open up
    Please take care of your mental health as this may drive you nuts.. speak to a counselor for further help
    K
     
  3. bublee

    bublee New IL'ite

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    thank u kelly
    but i already confronted him on all the areas u mentioned not to confront.
    i showed the profile he created to him and questioned him but he is not accepting that he is a gay.(at that time he deleted the history and he will do this when he goes online or he may go out and browse or in his work place then what will i do.)
    regarding the phone nos, should i call the suspecting nos. he may sometimes delete that immediately.

    what to do further
     
  4. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Bublee.. my dear in your haste you have hampered your own self... Now he is cautious... I feel lie low ... let him get a bit over confident..be your normal self... and then see...
    At the moment I can't think of any other way.. lets see what the other ladies feel
    K
     
  5. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    once you confronted him i am sure he will be extra cautious now you could have waited a little bit
    did you ask him about 4000 he spent for ?
    as you said he has a habit of browsing in netcafes now i am sure even if he wants to do anything like this he will not do on home system
    try to be normal for few dates dont bring this topic again and watch his actions carefully i guess you can check with local detectives also if you think he is doing this even now
    be bold
     
  6. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Sweetie,
    Please be careful, having sex with gays from the internet can lead to various STDs and even AIDS. You need to protect yourself till you know whats going on. Just lay low and monitor all his moves.

    How about you create an account in the gay site and throw a bait for your husband secretly and see how he reacts. If he suggests meeting or having gay sex, then you have solid evidence.

    goodluck
     
  7. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Ok,

    First and foremost - PROTECT YOURSELF. Don't have unprotected sex with him anymore. If possible have him tested for all before you move forward.

    OK, he is gay and you caught him in his closet. That is not good because now he will not open up that easily. You need to have a mature discussion with him without accusing him. Yes you feel cheated after all these years, but think about the future now and decide. Do you want to continue this marriage? What if he IS gay, it's not a sin to be one? What if he accepts that he cheated by marrying and giving you a baby to look straight to this society? What is that you want from this marriage?

    I know you are very upset, sad, feel betrayed, but sweetheart this is the time to be calm. Past has happened, nothing can reverse it anymore. All you can do is think and make the right decision moving forward.

    You have a dependent kid and you need to think about both your lives going forward.

    Instead of accusing and fighting with him. Get him one day outside to some restaurant, have your kid taken care of by someone else. Talk to him openly and ask him what can be done. Tell him that you cannot live a life of suspicious anymore and he shouldn't be leading a double life. Encourage him to open up instead of judging him. Be open minded before this conversation that Gay is not bad. Both should come clean with what they want in this marriage.

    Good luck and God bless :)
     
  8. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    like everyone else suggested most important thing right now is PROTECT YOURSELF. Do not have unprotected sex with him.

    Try to have open talk with him. Let him realize that being gay is not bad but you want to have clear idea about his future plans.
     
  9. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    bublee, is your husband gay or bisexual? If he is still having sex with you and what you say is true, that would make him bisexual.

    Nuances aside, I second the opinions not to have unprotected sex with him. And also I think you should get yourself tested for STDs and AIDS just for your own peace of mind and you probably do not know how long your husband has been engaged in homosexual activities.

    You really need to have a frank and honest talk with him. If he is a closeted gay man, chances are he has had his proclivities and orientation for a very long time and his marriage is a sham for the society. There is nothing wrong in being gay and I am not sure what forced him to get married and have a kid etc but societal pressure and lack of courage are couple of things that come to my mind. If he is gay, then you probably need to take the next steps so you two can move on with your lives. And please do not be one of those people with illusions that you can change him back from gay to straight. You need to look at this issue realistically and resolve this in an amicable way that works out for both of you.

    You need to confront him in a calm and rational way. I know that maybe difficult in this situation but you need to try hard to keep your emotions and frustrations and disappointments out of this and discuss this with him in a sane fashion. And please do not involve friends and family until you two have had a candid conversation and discussed next steps. Involving friends and family could turn this into a circus so do avoid that at all costs at this juncture and try to resolve this just between you two.

    Good luck.
     
    mstrue likes this.

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