1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

please help me for my sister!

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by sushmamohapatra, Mar 11, 2010.

  1. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    100
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    I have been not active on IL for quiet sometime.

    My issues have resolved to some extent, as my Dh spoke to his parents clearly and they themselves were not comfortable staying wid me, so decided to stay separate.

    I have a serious need to advises, suggestions HELP for my own elder sister. Its her second marriage, and her inlaws were against it. My BIL (sister's husband and not my husband's brother) tried hard to convince my parents as well, as my parents were not ready t accept him, because they found him too short-tempered and had thought that he is tooo lazy to take responsibilites of life. But eventually, my BIL got married to my sister against his parents presence as well as wish.

    Two years back my BIL went to US on H1B visa and my sister too went with him. But my sister's MIL (S-MIL) was playing all games very sweetly with both -- BIL and sister. S-MIL used to be diplomat and show BIL that she has accepted her and my sister is not accepting them or not a nice girl. He used to fight with her alott for no good reasons and started beating her badly and for all silly reasons. He talks to his mother daily, and discusses finances and other things with his mother and doesnt even feel the need to talk to my sister or to take her opnion as its her house and her relation with her husband. S-MIL used to / still now teaches my BIL very sweetly how he can control my sister. She is not working, coz of recession she is not getting job, but assiting a prfessor in some Uni there, free of cost. He fights with her and beats her for not earning money. doesnt give her enough money to spend for her own expenses. Out of 8k usd he earns, gives only 300$ to her for grocery and her own expenses for the month.

    His mother calls on his cell and apologies to my sister whosing she is sorry for being rude to my sister and later when my BIL is not around my sister, she calls and abuses her too an extent saying to leave her son!

    My father tried to call my sister's inlaws and ask them to think and make their son understand, but they instead told my father to do a polic complain, and on the other hand told my BIL that my father is giving dhamki for all this.

    I tried giving her all solutions by reading the posts here, but she is in deep depression. He is not even allowing her to study for and entrance.

    I dont know how to help her get him on track or atleast understand his mistakes.

    Please help. I am in need of a desparate help for my sister! :(

    Sushma
     
    Loading...

  2. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female


    Sushma, What other advise can you give than to call the police
    She needs to pick up the phone and dial 911 ( I assume she is in US) and only that will solve her problems.

    There is no solution in this world for physical abuse than to call the cops. Tell her not to fear about visa or any thing else. She needs to protect herself first from this monster called husband.

    So what if his visa is ripped off and he is deported or taken action or whatever......I am not sure about the legal action.
    Is she ready to live with him and take all that abuse??? Ask her?
    You as a sister tell her she should not be taking all that from him.

    Advise her to call the cops next time he does that!!!!!


    How I hate such men???....:rant
    Tara
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    374
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Sushma

    How can your sister s husband beat her so badly. Is he not educated? I think you should first of all talk to your sister whether she want to live with him or not. Mother in laws issue comes later on. Please disscuss the matter with your sister and save her from that monster.
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Sushma

    Could you please clarify on these questions of mine?

    How did your sister and her present husband meet ?
    Was there any courtship period before this second marriage of hers?
    Is this his first marriage?
    Why were his parents against this marriage? what was the reason?


    Now comign to your sister, whats her taken on all this? why is she scared of taking any action (I dont mean just calling 911) but trying to get a job or start working part time or going back to India and findigna job and living independantly?

    I am guessing your sister is scared because this being her second marraige, now she is feeling that she has to live or die in this marriage with this man only as she is bothered about what society would say if this marriage also fails.

    Ask her to record her MILs talks with her over phone when she starts abusing.
    Also first of all your sister has to stop doign this free job in the university, pick up some job that pays her and dont give that money to the husband and start a separate account.
    If she cant stay and be happy independantly no one would respect her and noone can make her happy.
    Thisis where most of us women fall short...we think a man would bring happiness but NO...thats not the case..If we dont love and respect our own self and if we are scared to live along with our own self..who would like to live with us??

    Also what are her husbands complaints about her? what are the fights about? If the fights are about the MIL, your sister should start being more tactful and play back the games of what the MIL is playing. Do not ever fight or complain about such inlaws to teh husband. the husband would take sides of his parents as the parents are all doing back ground abuse.

    Let your sister talk all nice and say sorry 1000 times infront of the husband. Also record the conversations of the MIL with your sister. Anytime if the MIL blames your sister she can play back those conversations. (this is the most silliest of all...and takes lot of courage to do this)

    Let your sister ask her present husband if he really still wants to be in this marriage? or just like the way his parents are asking her to quit and leave their son, does he also want her to leave him. STRAIGHT UP one question...would solve lot of mental agony.

    If he says yes he wants out of the marriage, you all know what to do. If he says no he wants to be in the marriage, but he wants her to keep his parents happy, respect his parents, then she has to ask him to go for the marriage counselling sessions. Its give n take. She would do whatever her inlaws want and he has to go to marital counsellign with her.

    For some days tell your sister to stop this self pity and stand up and act nice with her inlaws (specially infront of the husband.) Also warn himclearly if he raises his hand, she wont keep quiet anymore as the people in university asked her about the bruises and that theytold her to call 911 if there is any domestic problem (this small hint should do the trick for him to stop abusing physically)

    Above all..Remember..If your sister doesnt watn to take action or standup for herself...no one can help her. Point here is not about fidning the problem. its about what we did to resolve the problem in hand! thats what makes up the character and life of the person.
     
  5. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    SriVidya, I always admire the way you advise. And I like the patience you show in dealing with any situation of the OP.

    But, I want to ask one thing here. Why hesitate to call police the moment he beats her?? The OP said he beats her badly. Then why this warning him ahead that she will call next time and all that...
    I mean, don't you think he needs to be dealt more severely than this??
    I understand it is her life and her husband but how can one take this beatings and still live with him. Anyway, she is not happy with him.
    Let him see the consequences of beating a woman....JMO! And please feel free to express your thoughts on this.
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2010
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    sushma,

    I believe for any women the moral support from her family(especially from her parents) is important to stand up in there marriages.
    Do she has good support from your parents?
    I think she lost confidence on herself. I think some one should kidnap her S-MIL and put it in somewhere for one month with minimal food. Then she realizes what is life and how to live and let live.
    She might feel guilt that even her second marriage going in water. She should understand the worth of her life .I don't know any counseling will her to come out of the depression and understand the situation and stand up for herself and take care of herself. Suggest her to read some good books (if you know anything), which give her encouragement and more wisdom on the life and realize to wake up from her current situation.
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Tara


    Seems like you implied my words in a diff. sense..when I say not just calling 911 I meant taking any action ...did i say dont call 911 or hesitate to call 911?

    One thing we all have to understand is...suggesting a solution is different and how well the OP would be able to take it or act on it is different. What might be easy and clear for you may not be that easy or clear for someone else.

    REg. warning the husband , it seems clearly from OPs post that her sister does have stigma of living without a husband or living single.Such people would never ever pick up that phone and call 911. So atleast this warning idea might help her (or her husband in taking a step back)..that was my intention.

    Anyways let OP decide what suits her rather we crossposting.Thanks!
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2010
  8. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Got you!! SriVidya. Thanks.
     
  9. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    818
    Likes Received:
    23
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Sushma

    Like Tara said, tell your sister to call 999 (or 911 in US) when she is being physically abused. No woman should take this rubbish from a man and they have systems in place in the West to deal with abusive spouses. Whatever domestic disputes there maybe, it does not give a husband or a wife right to resort to physical violence. Please advise your sister not to tolerate physical abuse and no marriage is worth saving when there is physical abuse involved. Tell her to stand up for her rights and not keep silent at this barbaric treatment.
     
  10. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    352
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Sushma,
    Your sister does not need to suffer just because its her second marriage.
    She needs to talk to some Women's shelter places and they counsel anonymously.
    She does not need to give her name and talk to counselors.I cam going to put in nos for shelters in IL...I don't know where she is but these places could give her that no.

    Here is a Crisis Line (<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 /><ST1:pLACE u1:st="on"><ST1:STATE u1:st="on">Illinois</ST1:STATE></ST1:pLACE>): 1-800-717-0757 . Please call and then delete the no from phone memory.
    Apna Ghar (Our Home) is one of the leading comprehensive [FONT=Garamond! important]domestic violence agencies in Chicago, and the primary agency serving victims of domestic abuse within the immigrant communities.[/FONT]
    another one is Hamdard center ..
    crisis line 866-305-3933

    The Hamdard Center is a Multilingual, Multi-cultural Social & Health Service Agency Dedicated to Serving the South Asian, Middle Eastern, and the Bosnian Communities in Illinois.


    Good Luck
     

Share This Page