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Please help... I need some sane advice

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by panda, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. panda

    panda New IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I would like to know how to handle my situation without going overboard or making a scene.

    Before I present my current circumstances, a line or two about my background after marriage. That in itself is another story. :| (I will post that in more detail at a later date).

    Me and hubby are living separately close-by to in-laws. MIL and FIL are there, as well as my high-school going step-daughter. I have no child of my own. Hubby's work is from in-laws place only - home cum office cum shop.

    Since one month, my sis-in-law (hubby's younger sis) has come to live with my in-laws (i.e. her parents). She has come from Dubai as things are too expensive there and they cannot manage with 2 kids (boys) One goes to school other is a year old. She is searching for a rented apartment close-by, for her son, my hubby and myself already helped him to get admission in a school here, though it was 2 months since schools started here. Her husband
    is continuing with his job in Gulf so that expenses will be lesser for one person only.

    I have no issues with the fact that SIL is staying with her kids. She must be paying somewhat for her expenses to my MIL. But only to some extent, I guess. Neither my hubby or I know whether she is paying and if yes, what amount. My husband takes full care of in-laws and of course daughter. FIL is in bed since 3 and 1/2 years (when i married. I am married since 3 years).

    Hubbys work is just managing, tho he earns good amount in biz, in-laws want all of it. I pay for everything in my separate place - rent, food, all. He spends a bit occasionally now and then.

    But his work is less since quite some time. He works from home, i.e. the same place in-laws stay. So he is over there only the entire day.

    ==>> The thing is: MY SIL has brought her sis-in-law (her hubby's sister) to come and stay also with her from nearby, same city. This is on her husband's order. The plan was that she will stay with her when a house is found. (This lady is not married and was staying with younger brother earlier - but expenses for her was paid by my SIL's husband only - sending
    from Dubai regularly as his younger bro cannot earn too much here).
    So, since she does not get along with his younger bro's wife, she will stay with my SIL now. SIL has to take care of her full life (she is a divorcee and few years older than my SIL).

    SIL is finding a house yet, she doesnt like most of the places, something is always wrong or not suitable acc. to her. One relatives' place is lying empty, they plan to go there on rent , but it needs lot of work like painting, plumbing works, termite mgmt, etc. They are ready to spend for it all. This itself will take another month or so if they get it.

    I am mad about the fact that my SIL's sis-in-law is staying here at my in-laws place, at my hubby's cost. (Probably some amount is paid to my MIL, but not too sure).

    Initially, we thought they will get a place in 15-20 days time and will move out. Also, her SIL was to join her later. But 2nd day after she came to India, some problem happened with her co-sister and hubby said, make her stay with you. So my SIL does not tell her husband anything, out of fear, and gets her SIL to stay in our house. That female is bit weird and a dumb character, does not do any work at all, keep staring in space, not see the small child
    even for 5 mins, saying he does not sit with me, wants his mother. But we all take care of him quite well when my SIL has to go out for some work.

    But at the same time, the lady eats very heartily! My MIL gets very wild on that as she only does all cooking day and night, but lunch/dinner comes from hotel very often for everyone. But this they will not offer to my hubby. :mad: :icon_frown:


    My MIL has a habit of making nasty comments to me even now but i just let it go since i am now living separate.
    I want to talk to my SIL very matter-of-factly about her SIL living there. Since it looks like they are going to live there for at least one more month. Sometimes when my MIL makes comments, I get wild and thought i will reply with all these points if she refers to something related. But i will end up indirectly talking about SIL's hubby and his sister, thus insulting them. I want to avoid that as the repurcussions will be many.

    Hence I want to talk to SIL separately (call her to my house or somewhere outside). Should I do that, or just wait and reply back if any comments come to me when i visit in-laws place (that is nearly everyday).

    Even if i talk to her, I am doubting SIL will ask her SIL to go back and stay in her own home, till her rented place is ready for occupation. Because my SIL will fear her husband.

    But at the same time, it is not any more acceptable to me :bangcomp: that my hubby has to bear the brunt of it all. (And my in-laws are not saying anything, trying to be oh-so-kind in the eyes of the world).


    Otherwise, when i was staying there, anything i buy used to be considered too expensive and stuff, so they would shout full time for expenses.
    Now they cannot say anything? Totally unfair. :evil:


    What and how should I talk, and to whom? Hubby does not want to talk to anyone about it. He says, let it go on as it is. but his business is going down as it is off-season. So he gets mad also.:-(
    If biz is running high, no probs, we dont need to talk. Even my hubby is kind-hearted that way.


    Should I "interfere" at all? I hate to see my hubby getting mad and not saying anything to them.
    I usually go often and play with the kids, helping the son with his studies also. He is in first std., but my SIL is not even completed schooling, so cannot teach him. That way, my relationship with my SIL is fairly good, and i do not want to cut off. She is hubby's second sister. He is the eldest.

    I want to talk straight with her hoping she will understand and tackle things without making them too public. She should understand what her brother is going through.

    Please help. I would appreciate it a lot.
    thanks,
    panda
     
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  2. sandhya19

    sandhya19 New IL'ite

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    dear panda,
    i think the problem faced by you is one of the commonest problems of any middle class family.
    in the first instance i can say its only a matter of one month and you shouldn't be much bothered,because one more month is ok,that is your husband's duty as elder brother.
    but if the situation is prolonged,you and your husband might give them indirect hints about your financial crisis.
    if all you want to talk ,it should be your husband first to raise the voice and then you can follow that too i think not to your SIL in alone but include your MIL in the discussion also,try to explain the the situation clearly.
    hope my suggestion will be helpful
    sandhya
     
  3. malspie

    malspie Platinum IL'ite

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    I am sorry to probe, but, not very clear about the business he runs from home... Huge factories change place, so why cant he.. All that he has to do is post letters, emails and give calls (for personal touch) and inform his clients and customers about the change of place. Now when huge offices can move, factories can move why cant a person running business from a home move... ?? Today your SIL will move away, say in a month, later someone else may join and nowing that your husband has taken his role as an elder brother too seriously, this is the only option. I understand your problems and suffering is not the solution. Please mark my words and more rope you give the more easier is for the person to climb.

    Does he have close friends whom he invites home and with you too strike a good rapport (or may be with the spouse of his close friends), your approach to get him out from there may be disregarded, but, with somone he eats, farts and trusts can pull him out from there. And this will be good solution as he may not have to go and sit there everyday.....

    That man from Dubai, its his duty to take care of the expenses of the produce under his belt........... Not your husbands....

    My suggestions must be heavy.. but remember, very few people ignore my suggestions... I am an agony didi in my friend circle to whom people rush during crisis... So trust me and try to find out a way....

    Life is beautiful, not worth spending time on such issues.. Get him out... fast........
     
  4. panda

    panda New IL'ite

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    hi mals,my hubby's biz is of cotton cloth related stuff. Lot of material is kept at home and customers come to purchase (is like wholesale cum retail).My FIL is doing since many years, and they have an apprehension of the material getting robbed in a godown or leaving with staff. Plus it is additional investment which is difficult to afford now, even when rents etc were low, they used to think why to spend, but now, rents have skyrocketed. Plus, my hubby is working alone now, earlier FIL used to work, hubby was there to help, and sis-in-laws (i have 3) all used to work leaving their schooling.I was asked after marriage to help out with the biz, but i refused as i have my own work from home, which needs concentration. So i leave it to your imagination as to what things i must have heard from in-laws.So i do not want to get into that right now. I do tell hubby take a small place as office and work from there, but he wants me to sit there full day.panda
     
  5. panda

    panda New IL'ite

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    hi Sandhya,
    Thanks for the reply, even i am thinking whether to wait it out for a month, but it might easily go over that.
    There is lot of work involved, and they might ask hubby only to oversee it. But he says, it is not at all possible for him with full day work.

    SIL has one more elder bro-in-law who is sitting idle doing real estate work. But i am not sure whether he will be ready to sit and oversee the painting, etc. as he is of very bossy and dominating nature.


    And if I involve my MIL in talk, she will only tend to talk more badly to me, saying it is none of my business to say anything. She never listens to reason. Only when my hubby or FIL yell at her, does she give in.
    Hence i want to avoid telling her anything straight.
    panda
     
  6. malspie

    malspie Platinum IL'ite

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    You can combine your work and your husbands work and take charge of the place along with your husband. I feel you are adamant enough not to participate with him in the business... I appreciate that you need to have your space, but, its part of the family, and your should take your husbands suggestion of sitting in your husbands office... Just watch it would bring a drastic change... Else, you may remain a cry baby... Its luck if your SIL moves out in a month......... Best of luck from me too.......
     
  7. panda

    panda New IL'ite

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    Mals,
    I have agreed to sit and work with him, plus do my work which is going to be difficult as i do everything myself.
    But I said, you give part of earnings, he does not reply to that at all - he is afraid of his dad i feel.

    I say that deliberately because there is zero savings of his or his father's. When FIL was admitted recently, he took some money from me, and FIL nature is such that he wanted to stay few days extra in hospital just for the heck of it. My husband asked Dr. if he is ok, we can take him home in few days due to finance problem, but FIL did not want that. When they want to squander away all the money unnecessarily, I have asked him to pay me for the time i put in his work. That way, atleast i can put something in our joint account for future.

    Also, i am hesitant to work from in-laws place, as they talk badly many a time.
    panda
     
  8. panda

    panda New IL'ite

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    Anyways, I am thinking of doing a re-thinkand sitting for a few hours at least so he can work on expanding the biz. Given him this suggestion also previously, but he says you have to sit early morning to late night.
    I will give it a shot again and see. Thanks!
    panda
     
  9. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I dont know.. It sounds like a maze of SILs to me.. So many SILs..
    And why are you bothering your head over it. I mean when your husband , ur ILs and your SIL dont have problem with extra SIL. why you unnecessarily brood about it. I think you should let it go.

    And frankly speaking, I dont understand wive's thinking of keeping their money for themselves. I think by doing that wives create a nasty big hole for their own relationship with husbands. I personally its high time Indian wives liberate themselves in their own thinking. We ourself want discriminatory behaviour in our own lives. We want our husbands to love us, earn for us.. but we dont want to share our money. I mean.. where will we take our own money.
    I think the biggest thing anyone share with anyone else is commitment, faith and their own life.. Rest all things we create here and we leave here.
    So I personally would suggest.. being your husband's right hand.. being his rock than throwing rocks at him.
     
  10. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    From your posts I get to understand one particular thing, that the business your husband does needs full attention from atleast two people. If someone can sit in the office cum shop then the other can run around to look out for new business. But you should learn before doing either of these. For that you should personally take part in the business.

    BTW you have not mentioned what is that you are doing from home. But as far as I know if you have the determination what ever you do you can do it with concentration in any kind of situation. I will not accept the fact that you cannot concentrate just because your in-laws are shouting at you. They are old and your FIL is in bed. Stop blaming them and be reasonable to them.

    Stop thinking them as your in-laws think them as your parents. Remember they are taking care of your step daughter also. Except once you have not mentioned about her or your relationship with her. May be they are shouting at you just because you dont show your concern to her.

    Regarding your SIL - start going out with her when she goes out to look for a house. You can check with the local newspapers and guide her to those places where she can look out for best houses of her choice. That way you can find time to talk to her. But dont ever talk money matters to her it is not wise to do so. If you personally take interest and get her a good house and also help her in setting up that house she will be happy to share with you all she wants to.
     

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