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Please Help Feeling So Confused

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by happygolucky22, Mar 14, 2022.

  1. happygolucky22

    happygolucky22 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I’m married for almost 12 years arranged match, now with two kids. Lost my dad in 2020 and now my mom had an accident and has complete bed rest for 4-6 months. She at her sister’s house. My older sis will reach in few days and stay for 15 days. I’m planning to go around then. Problem is my husband isn’t supportive. He went to India in Nov alone right after I joined a new job after a gap of 4.5 years as a sahm. I cried and he kept lying how he will have the ticket date changed from 18 days to sooner. He booked his tickets while my kid was sick in the night at 2am.
    Now that I want to visit my mom he is saying he will take the kids alone and go to India in June or July. My new job Won’t have so many leaves that I can visit india twice within 3 months nor do I want to. He always competes and blackmails me. Never ever once he supports me. I am considering separation because of his emotional abuse.I’ve lost confidence and he makes me feel Like crazy. At a loss what to do!
     
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  2. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op,

    You can visit your mother as decided by you and can visit your inlaws house during this time tat way you can be coordial on both sides.

    The other time you can either go for a short trip or opt out if it if you don't get leaves from your office.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell your husband it is an emergency; hence emergency trips to India can not be planned or combined with the usual trips.
    You are working now and it seems you are independent enough to consider separation as of now.
    If so, book your tickets. Inform your H about your travel day.

    If he can take care of the kids, good for you.
    If not, think of other reliable support system in your country of residence.
    If nothing can be helpful, then plan to take kids along with you & extend the trip to another couple of days to cover in laws on the go.
    This way, you & kids have covered your India trip for the year.

    If your H can join you guys now, it is great. If not, let him plan something later and enjoy (alone or with kids).

    Make the decision first. Communicate firmly without loosing your cool & more importantly do not wait for his green signals all the time.
    Conduct yourself as if you know what you are talking!
     
    Thyagarajan, Dishaa, SCA and 2 others like this.
  4. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    This :clap2:
     
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Please go visit your mom. Let the kids stay in school. You will also get time to focus on your mom. Let him take the kids in June for their summer break. You are back at work after a long gap. You need to focus. Having things like summer camp planning, childcare for non camp days etc will be an added stress. Focus on your career this summer. Worry about the kids going to your mom’s place next year. There will be other summers for you to take them. Your career has waited enough.

    For now, focus on your immediate need at hand. Don’t bring up your separation now. Wait until you are better financially and emotionally. Wait until your mom
    recovered and your job is a little more stable.
     
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your priority right now is your mom. Go and visit her. Your husband may be saying things right now just to rile you up especially as you are already in an emotional state. Try to stay calm and keep focused. You can call his bluff later in summer.
    There should be a special purgatory for those who use their children as props to mentally harass their spouses.
     
    shama146, Thyagarajan and chanchitra like this.
  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @happygolucky22
    You want to go because it’s an emergency. Your h is discussing about summer vacation. There’s a big difference so don’t get confused by what he’s saying.
    First book your ticket without more discussion. That is vitally important. Just say okay okay to all his plans till you book the ticket.
    Has he explicitly said don’t go now go later? If so just reply gently that you are very worried and unable to concentrate, you got a call from sis and you got so worried you booked the ticket.
    Sorry to say but he’s not being supportive. He also booked without telling you right? But in this case this is a emergency.
    If you wait to go in summer you won’t be able to spend more time with your mom. It will be a vacation, you’ll take care of kids, his house your house such issues will arise. Go now and meet your mom and be with her.
    Actually with fuel costs rising rapidly even summer trip may not happen. The more you delay booking more chance price will increase so book as soon as possible.
     
    Dishaa and sarvantaryamini like this.
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    First, check the availability of ticket and finalise dates of travel to visit your mom alone

    Tell your husband you want to go now as its an emergency and you are going to books tickets. Dont ask his permission for india trip. Present as if you are firm on this and in minimum sentenses. Dont explain yourself

    Agree with husband that he can take kids during summer vacation and have to take care of them now when you are in India

    Spend maximum time with your mom. Its your top priority now.

    You can spend summer vacation next year or coming years. But now your mom and job is important

    Take a decision and stick with it. Dont take any of his tantrumns to heart. If he can take kids alone to India, then he can manage it here too.

    This is not the time to talk about seperation. You have plenty of time to think about it later. So focus now on your trip to India and plan ahead on what can be done there.
     
    SCA, Thyagarajan and Dishaa like this.
  9. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Why take leave? Say that you will work from home from India. It can be done if you are on good terms with your employer and if you convince them it's an emergency. This way you can stay for 4-6 weeks there ( 2-3 weeks leave and the rest WFH) and come back when things are settled down.
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  10. radhe001

    radhe001 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Op,

    I would say make a decision if you want to go visit your mom. If yes, let your DH know this politely. Dont get into a fight, argument, stress or anxity. Make arrangements for your kids stay with dad. Get tickets and go.
     

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