Please Advice

Rihana · Feb 1, 2021

SGBV said: ↑

Please suggest me a way out....
Click to expand...

Keep it simple. Don't complicate things.

Keep it simple:
Set up a flying visit routine -- you take the kids to meet your FIL once in 3 weeks for 90 minutes. Whether your H (and his hopes, guilt etc) comes along or not should be left immaterial.

Do this as sincerely and genuinely as you can, out of the goodness of your heart, due to being a better human than them, to be kind to an old man, to give your kids some memories, and to model to your kids how you handle a tricky family situation.

Don't complicate things:
It is a once in 3-4 weeks short visit. That is all it should be. Don't label it as patching up, reuniting, forgiving or anything. Don't evaluate who is benefitting, who is not appreciating, who does not deserve the second chance, is your husband coming along, is your mother silently angry. For 90 minutes once in 3-4 weeks be impervious* to direct or indirect insults, barbs and other shenanigans from your MIL.

* An old friend of mine used to call this the impermeable rock state. The impermeable rock is a rock without any available pore space, and if it has any, the spaces are not connected - meaning that no fluids can pass into or out of the rock. It is ‘impervious’: unable to be penetrated. Source

DDream · Feb 1, 2021

Op,
Like others said above you can take your kids there for a short visit . You can decide the frequency. Dont allow them to stay there over night. Be firm on what you want.
Also make sure you interact with them in a formal way. Dont take any of their conversations to heart but leave it through the other ear. I believe both sets of grand parents have the right to spend time with their grandchildren. Your kids also deserve to know their grandparents. Have zero expectations. Detach your mind from them and dont take everything so serious. Also make sure you leave every thing there ( PILs house) and don't take it to your home or your family life and don't discuss the topic again. Limit it in a few sentences or avoid any discussion on it. You can't reverse past, but its up to you to decide whats best for your present as a human being

SGBV · Feb 1, 2021

Tryinghard2013 said: ↑

OP,
I have read a lot of posts from you and u inspire me in a lot of ways. I have a question for u which if you don’t feel like answering, please don’t. Would u have married your hubby knowing everything u will go thru? I know no one knows what will happen in the future. But would u have still made the decision?
I commend u for being so strong and passing so many hurdles. This is a question just for my personal journey and it is ok if you feel like u don’t want to share.
Click to expand...

I knew almost 70% of the in laws problems before marriage. I expected many other religious related struggles between us, especially after the kids. But thankfully we absolutely have no issues between us even with difference in religion. We only have problems from both egoistic parents.

I would still have married my H regardless of the issues because i love him.

SGBV · Feb 1, 2021

Rihana said: ↑

Keep it simple. Don't complicate things.

Keep it simple:
Set up a flying visit routine -- you take the kids to meet your FIL once in 3 weeks for 90 minutes. Whether your H (and his hopes, guilt etc) comes along or not should be left immaterial.

Do this as sincerely and genuinely as you can, out of the goodness of your heart, due to being a better human than them, to be kind to an old man, to give your kids some memories, and to model to your kids how you handle a tricky family situation.

Don't complicate things:
It is a once in 3-4 weeks short visit. That is all it should be. Don't label it as patching up, reuniting, forgiving or anything. Don't evaluate who is benefitting, who is not appreciating, who does not deserve the second chance, is your husband coming along, is your mother silently angry. For 90 minutes once in 3-4 weeks be impervious* to direct or indirect insults, barbs and other shenanigans from your MIL.

* An old friend of mine used to call this the impermeable rock state. The impermeable rock is a rock without any available pore space, and if it has any, the spaces are not connected - meaning that no fluids can pass into or out of the rock. It is ‘impervious’: unable to be penetrated. Source
Click to expand...

Thanks Rihana

This seems much workable solution. Let me think over it & plan accordingly.