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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Jan 31, 2021.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear friends

    Hope you all are keeping fine. I am here, looking for some guidance as usual.

    As you know, I & my H had a love marriage, which was an inter religious marriage. It has been 12+ years since marriage & we have 2 kids.

    Since before marriage my MIL didn't like me & my family due to religious difference. She did try her best to project me bad by many ways, but my H didn't accept any of those back then.
    He stood so strong & married me against all the odds.

    Unfortunately we had to lead a long distance marriage immediately after our wedding & that's when my MIL took advantage of our complexed marriage life.

    She slowly poisoned my H against me & he was a different person when we decided to live under one roof after 2 years of marriage.
    He abused me a lot emotionally & financially back then & made my life miserable.

    He blindly trusted his mom & hated me and his kid for no apparent reason.

    After so much pleading & mediation, I decided to separate from him in 2012 ; thus moved out of the country again for work with my kiddo & mom.

    Within 9 months, my H came to us with an apology & promised to be a loving spouse. Much against to my family's advice, I moved back with him, but exercised everything with caution.
    In another few years my PILs also reunited with us as if nothing happened.

    In the mean time, my H simply lived with us, conditioned us and lead the home without financially supporting us. I had to earn to run our home & my mom & siblings had to support me & child physically other wise. My H ruled the house, demanded and stayed like a paying guest all the time. He even supported his FOO lavishly through his credit cards and my salary and indirectly forced me to pay back those expenditures.

    Nevertheless he was much better than before, and his presence in my life mattered a lot to me than staying separated in my country. So i adjusted despite of my parents advice against this.

    Lately i understood MIL's cunning motives behind each and every issue/fight at our home & how she influenced even small matters like cooking a roti at home.
    There were many instances where MIL played out and made me a foolish loser in life.

    One day, I caught her red handed and confronted with her. My co sister was the witness & she explained everything to my H the same day.

    After that, I kept of catching my MIL &/her master plans and revealed everything to H with evidence. Though he accepted & understood everything he refused to confront MIL. No did paid caution when it comes to involving her in our private/marriage matters.

    So i had to give him ultimatum to chose either us or MIL.
    He chose us and confronted with MIL finally, which turned as a huge fight; thus we had to completely cut all ties with in-laws since 2018.

    Its been almost 3 years that we don't talk to each other. BIL & Co sis do visit us and maintain a low key relationship with us.

    These 3 years are the most happiest years in my marriage. Still my H stay at home, but that's not an issue because i have a great job & meaningful income source to run the family.
    Unlike before my H is guilt of staying home, but he does help me in the home, so it doesn't matter.
    We don't fight these days, no compatibility issue. We live happily despite all the odds.

    But lately i understood that my H is unhappy. He fakes, rather acts out as if everything is OK.
    He speaks with his FOO on and off ( which i am aware of) and they want to patch up with us. It was requested by FIL as he gets old and wants to spend time with our kids.

    My H wants me to initiate the talks with them by visiting them. He doesn't force me, but i understood this is his wish. Unless this happen, it seems my H won't be normal. He is guilt ridden and his folks further messing up with him.

    I also understand the social pressure, his loneliness when my relatives gather etc...

    So, these days he behaves as if i am wronged.
    Despite of going through all that in the past & proving everything with evidence, it seems i became the home breaker.

    Whenever a TV serial or news pops in about a bad DIL, who separate parents & son.. My H looks at me.
    Perhaps, I am feeling guilty due to all these happen around me.

    My H thinks he is speechless because he doesnt earn. But that's not the case.
    Even if he earns or provides i would still stand up for my dignity & that of my family.
    But now it seems i am doing it due to arrogance.

    I sometimes feel like forgiving in laws and inviting them to our home. But my mom, who lives with me is dead against this.
    If i invite PILs, for sure they will cause us troubles. For sure my H would go blind and my Mom would see every injustice with her eyes wide open.

    Since my mom is my only go to place in case of problems, I am sure she will have more authority & power over me to dictate as to what & how i should behave.
    She says, she gave birth twice to me, and she can't see me fail again.

    I am totally confused. Am i a evil DIL? A home breaker?
    A sinner who has distanced grand parents from their grand kids?

    Or I am being clever by ignoring bad influence from my life? Am I smart and learned a lesson from my problems earlier?

    Am i so naive to unable to decide for myself and constantly getting messed up with my mom & H?
    Am i a fool so that both my H & mom play emotional games to confuse me?

    Honestly my mind says let life be the same forever. I shouldn't lose this hard earned peace. And i no longer have strength to fight back as before.

    My heart says, I should give one last chance to PILs. Be vigilant & smart, but let life go as it is. So that my H will have a normal relationship with his FOO & kids get to experience their paternal grandparents before they leave this world.
    As they are old, I don't want to be permanently guilt of not letting them spend time with kids.

    But i worry thinking about my mom's heavy reactions to this. She was logical & she truly believes PIL & family would cheat me again & put me in to trouble because my H doesn't seem to have learned anything at all from the past. This can put myself & kids to serious danger as before.
    If anything happen as before, I would loose my only support system; hence will not be able to bounce back as before.

    Please advice

  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    You have summarised your life up to now and your relationship with your inlaws, which I have gathered from reading your various earlier threads. it is clear that your in-laws are against you and there is no likelihood of them ever really accepting and appreciating you. Whatever maybe the issues, your husband as their son cannot be expected to be mentally at peace when his parents are denied any part in their grand kids lives. to make it workable for all and mostly for your hubbys s satisfaction, he can take his kids along and meet them and keep up a relationship with you staying away, if u feel u don't want to get in again. Your mother's emotional blackmail is something that should be guarded against. it is for you to take a stand without getting piled from all sides by outside influence. Best wishes
    shama146 and SGBV like this.
  3. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV Don't patch up with PIL.
    I can understand what your going through thinking old grandparents love for grandkids..etc. one shouldn't loose grand parents love.
    The same grand parents will slowly poison young minds 'your mom made us suffer seeing old grandparents in tears any small child would think yes mom is aggressive.
    They won't know the real truth till a certain age.

    Few years back I was that kid & my mom suffered much. So pls don't patch up nor invite them home given all history of 12 yrs.
    Retrospect with husband, when he brings up the topic with a year by year incidents.

    Maybe for his and your family's mental peace you all can meet up in relatives functions/ BIL place if they are ok or restaurants for lunch dinner ..during kid's birthdays, grand parents birthdays, any spl occasions, kids school functions, performances etc.
    Keep a boundary telling they can't come home or kid's will go there's without your presence.
    Take care don't loose your peace.
    They will name you devil DIL, they aren't angels.
    Howmuch ever one is educated, howmuch ever one earns...reality still women is bounded. Pls break those stereotypes.

    Your mom is correct she only took care of your kids not your mil. Say this to dh. Else you had to loose job, good career. PIL repeatedly stabbed every chance you gave. They would repeat. Take care
    SGBV likes this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Decades from now, when your in-laws are gone, none of their vile acts will be remembered. Selective amnesia will set in - a deliberate unwillingness or feigned inability to recall what they did and the havoc they wreaked. At that time, the more you bring up the past, the more you will look the bad person who is talking ill of the dead who passed away with their desire to spend time with grandkids unfulfilled.

    It happens to most or all of us -- after our parents pass away, as the years go by, the mind naturally starts to forget the unpleasant stuff and fond memories remain and become sharper due to frequent recollection. As we miss our parents more and start to contemplate our own mortality and empty-nester years coming up, the fond memories of our childhood become even more special.

    You have to decide - do you want to deal with that blame and the futility of defending yourself 15-30 years from now? If yes, stay the course. If no, identify a way to resume contact so your kids can meet grandparents. For example - once a month, you and the kids visit them for 3-4 hours in the weekend. These will be "flying visits." You will have to be firm about the duration and frequency. Let the camel put its nose in the tent to avoid a bad name in the future, but keep an alert eye on the nose. Always sleep with an eye open.
  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like things are settled. H does not have enough tasks to occupy his mind/hands, so he wants to stir things up. The lady of the home has to find tasks he can do -- plant trees in garden, dig a well, scrape and paint the exterior of the house, kinds of tasks that can tire out the body, so that he could sleep soundly.....without having stray thoughts.

    I think the lady had already lost all her young (love-) married years due to collective family interference and drama. And finally when she has some semblance of normal life, she shouldn't attempt to ruin it on her own. If she feels like H fakes normalcy; let him, don't notice that. Pretty normal in a 40 year old, with lots of time on hand.

    When camel attempts to stick head in, chop it. Failing that, you will once again be sleeping outside the tent.
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Agree with Rihana. Keep a line of communication open but also keep your guards up. You can’t control what your husband does but make sure you accompany your children so that they don’t get unduly influenced. Your in-laws will also have less credibility to accuse you of keeping them away from their son and grandchildren.
    But also ask your mother to be diplomatic. No child wants to hear endless complaints about their parents, no matter how justified it may be. It will simply aggravate tensions between her and your husband.
    SGBV and joylokhi like this.
  7. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    If you think you want to give a last chance do it. For the sake of your mental peace.

    But neither you go their home, don't invite them to your place. Once the corona settle down make a one day picnic any near by place. Have some fun games and few nice pics. Goto studio take a family pic to frame. Most importantly some nice memories.

    Any time h look at you when he see a bad dil. Show him the pic back.
    KashmirFlower and SGBV like this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you everyone. I see both sides of the coin here.

    1. Yes, it is good to patch up with in laws so that i won't feel guilt anymore. Plus, it will give some mental peace for both myself & my H. Fair enough!
    Of course mom would show her displeasure, but it is our family. So we should be able to make decisions & face the consequences whatever it may be.
    But, what if MIL reacts to this negatively?
    Because she has never shown any interest in patching up with us. Never even turned towards the kids despite living next doors. She never reciprocated to my H's gestures towards her either. Not just now, but since marriage she has been like this. She is the one who has created all the issues between us as well as with BILs family & us back then.
    She never accepted my son as her grand kid.
    Never loved my children. So, I don't believe she would be happy to reunite with us, rather she would find a second chance to ruin us again.
    It may mean, insult, humiliation, mental torture & reliving of the past for me. This time double the trouble as my mom may also climb on top of my head & torture. Do i need this???

    But of course FIL is truly repenting. In fact, he hasn't done much harm against us rather than staying as a silent spectator.
    He will continue to stay silent even now in spite of our attempt to re unite with them. He wouldn't say anything if MIL plays around.

    MIL is someone who won't participate in any outing or parties even before. She hates the sight of us that much.
    She can only accept my H if he leaves myself & kids behind. But now it is too late.

    The issue is, my H doesn't see the depth of it.
    For him, we should be perfect & be responsible & nice no matter what others say/do.
    But, before everything he should be able to handle his side of the family & protect us. Unfortunately he too would continue to be blind & deaf to whatever happens down the lane.
    Unless i repeatedly explain with evidence he wouldn't see a thing. And i am tired of doing it again & again.
    Also, this kind of complaints only mess up with our otherwise great marriage.

    With job, my family responsibility, my business etc..etc... I am tired of even thinking or being vigilant all the time. I am ageing & I seriously need some kind of stress free life now.

    2. If i chose to continue the same life, i.e staying away from PILs, would surely kill me with guilt down the lane.
    I can see my H's loneliness despite of us living together.
    I can see him being powerless & emotionless these days.
    Perhaps he doesn't care. I don't know. May be he is like this all the time. But unless he opens up in detail, it always stresses me.
    He knows he has no valid argument here. So, he uses his victim card to make me feel guilt.
    Or may be he is guilt & hence forcing that guilt on me too.

    But truly my FIL & rest of H's family (BILs, Co sisters, H's extended family, friends etc..)are harmless people.

    I should find a way to unite with them.

    Please suggest me a way out....

    Because of MILs issue, we have deliberately cut ties with all of them. Its been 3 years now. How to patch up?
  9. NOW

    NOW Gold IL'ite

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    My 2 cents.. Your priorities should be in this order - yourself, your kids, your marriage then extended family. You can have an open conversation with your husband that you still are very bitter and not OK with what happened in the past but ready to let the kids be close to their grandparents for the sake of creating memories. The onus of patching up or arranging the communication should be on your husband with you involved in the actual plans of frequency and length of time behind the scenes. Meaning.. he should consult you before making plans etc.. and you both should always be on same page in this matter.

    If there is a way you can pull this off successfully and keep your husband and mother with you on the same page, then life can be smooth for you. You have to be upfront about your feelings with your husband and mother and not let them emotionally manipulate you. You should distance and aloof yourself from the drama for your well being and not think from everyone's perspective but just what is the best outcome in this scenario.
  10. Tryinghard2013

    Tryinghard2013 Silver IL'ite

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    I have read a lot of posts from you and u inspire me in a lot of ways. I have a question for u which if you don’t feel like answering, please don’t. Would u have married your hubby knowing everything u will go thru? I know no one knows what will happen in the future. But would u have still made the decision?
    I commend u for being so strong and passing so many hurdles. This is a question just for my personal journey and it is ok if you feel like u don’t want to share.

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