Penny wise and pound foolish

coolsandy · Mar 7, 2014

That phrase aptly suits my mom. She has faced many problems all through out her childhood and even after marriage. After her marriage, at some point of time, she tried to dominate my dad... it was always taunting him, not giving him right set of clothes/food...behaved as if she had complete control of him and acted as if she was doing a favor on him. I was quite young and didn't have capacity to understand all this. But she is sensible in some cases. And did act smart occasionally.

Later, after my education I had started my career. I spent lavishly on my family. Wanted them to be happy. My mom always criticized whatever I bought and did. It took so much of time to convince her and not to mention, patience that I had invested. And after a certain period of time she would accept that what I did was right. This happens every single time...every other day when I get new stuff/clothes or even when I prepare a new dish. There is just no end to it. I remember vaguely that she did the same with my dad. She even said to me many times "I am not as intelligent as you"... which has definitely hurt me. There are many such incidents. for eg: she would cook rice in the noon that would be sufficient for four of us for the next 24 hrs. yes, fpr that lunch, dinner and next day's lunch for her. When I told her not to do that way and only cook that is sufficient for that days lunch and dinner, she shouted at me and scolded me very badly. But I was very adamant about it and changed her ways about it. Now, she is happy about the change. Such silly and petty quarrels happen every two days in my home.

This has tested my patience a lot and my frustration increased a lot. Her over smartness, not giving a damn to what I say, not trusting me at all. This has been going on for the last 8 years.

I have tried to ignore her whenever such incidents happen. But I am not able to. I almost go hysteric. She does the same with my dad and my bro. Now the actual problem. Witnessing all this, my dad is maintaining silence but my bro is facing real problem. Health wise. He is getting pain in his chest whenever such incidents happen. He and I share a good rapport and he did tell me that it is because of this mom-daughter petty quarrels. There is not heart problem in my family chain. And I do agree with my bro.

But, how do I control my anger? How do I not retaliate to her non-sense? How do I ignore her and keep mum?

Marun · Mar 10, 2014

Only option is to be flexible. Adjust whatever your mom does.

Seems like your mom is pretty much adamant. You should follow your dad's approach which is the only solution. That way the number of arguments goes down and brings peace to home.

PriyaSrini · Mar 10, 2014

Dealing with family members can be tricky. I have a love/ hate relationship with my mom. We can hardly agree on the same thing.

Maybe your mom cooks so much food at one time because she hates cooking. This way she can spend less time in the kitchen. Her attitude to dominate could be because she feels insecure, you said she had lot of problems. She could be suffering from a low self esteem.

I'm guessing she's a housewife, so she may not actually have friends.

Try to set her up with any social group- senior citizen group/ temple group. Anything that will divert her attention from just running the home.

Hope this has helped...

deepslikes · Mar 10, 2014

Hope you resolve the issues with your mom, I am sure you will get good advice here.

But that apart, please insist that your brother gets a health checkup just to eliminate other causes for the chest pain (if that is not already done). And maybe research some stress relief techniques that will work for him, since this problem won't disappear immediately.

coolsandy · Mar 10, 2014

yes ignoring.. trying my best...but cant withstand her taunts and her over smartness... she interferes in every other work that I do... even chopping veggies...in fact any household work that you can think of. My bro and I are quite grown up and have had done these things even earlier.

I am ready to ignore. That is what my problem statement says. But how do I control myself when she is bitching? I have seen some of you dong that ignoring thing with your resp in laws, esp, MIL.. but how?

Marun · Mar 10, 2014

There are so many distractions available.

If you are doing something interesting and if she interferes, Its simple to leave that spot with a smiling face. Concentrate on something else. There are n number of stuffs to divert our thoughts.

coolsandy · Mar 11, 2014

she is getting on my nerves. It is just increasing... she finds new ways...I bear hardly for two days and I cant do it anymore... I just blurt out and the whole scenario at home changes. I DO NOT want to change them. I want to control myself and keep calm. But if I am like that she tests my patience.

Mahajanpragati · Mar 11, 2014

as you are earning & can't adjust with your Mom so better to move from her house & find a place for yourself where you can do what you want your way.

oysterzzz · Mar 11, 2014

When you said about the food thing, I thought I was reading about my mom. in fact she cooks the same amount of food everyday even when a person is missing and she throws the left over. More or less, even my mom is like this. She never agrees with me and rather says that I never agree with her. When my dad talks to me about her shopping, she thinks that I am adding oil to the fire. The only solution is agreeing to her. for eg: one day she was on a shopping spree and all of the sudden selected some 6-7 sarees. I thought she was asking me to select any 1-2 out of all but when she said all 7 I didn't argue but kept a shocking face which was clearly evident. Then she realized, what she was doing. Still I said all are good, so you should take them. Then I just asked whether she gave the blouses for stitching for the sarees which she took last month. Actually I wanted to remind her about the sarees which she took last month and I chose this way. She got conscious and left all the sarees and said, forget it, I already have many. I saved an argument as well as peace of mind. So try this. Agree to whatever she says. One day she'll realize what she's been doing is wrong.

Like everyone said, best thing is to ignore. Not only MILs, sometimes we need to ignore our moms too.

coolsandy · Mar 11, 2014

ur mom is good in a sense that she throws the left overs. my eats that too..even if it is 2-3 days old. Even 2-3 old rice. When I found that out, I was furious. I just didn't know what to do. I had to keep a check on the food, the leftovers, what is consumable and what is not. When I am talking smoothly to her the only thing that she would do is resist, hit her head with her palm repeatedly biting her teeth and not listen to me at all. Why would I want my own parents to eat stale food? I keep a check on my anger but it just was of no use.

I do not want to dig each and every situation and throw mud at each other. I just need peace. And that is ofcourse possible through ignoring. I am trying. I only wish I get more stamina to ignore