Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Thyagarajan, Oct 22, 2020.
DIAPERS COMMON FOR SWAMI & KAMAL
Blind man in a Hotel...
Manager - Menu Sir ??
Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.
Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...
"Incredible" exclaimed the manager...
Every week he came & was of course- correct each time.
Once manager wanted to trick him, He went to the kitchen and told his wife
Miranda "Rub this spoon on ur lips". She rubs it on her lips and gives it to her hubby...
Blind man smelt & said,
"Oh ! My God......!!
My classmate Miranda also works here!!
Spare Fly To Spoon
I took some clients out to dinner to a big hotel and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus.
It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our boy came with water and tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his chest pocket.
I looked around the room, and all the waiters and busboys had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?""Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Anderson & Anderson Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analysis, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation.
By preparing our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "clinking" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.
"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks, I had to ask”.
"No problem," he answered.
Then he continued to take our orders. As the members of our dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu.
That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and boys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...why, or what about that string?"
"Oh, yeah," he began, in a quieter tone, "not many people are that observant.
That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's Room, too."
"How's that?" I asked.
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the washroom by over 93%!"
"Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
WHO WHISTLED? - TEACHERS KNOW
One day in a well known university, a senior professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the whistler's name . As usual and as expected no one had answered.
The professor peacefully kept the pen in his pocket and picked up his bag. Saying that, the lecture ends here and that was enough for the day, he started moving towards the gate of the class. Students were overjoyed to be free.
Then, he suddenly stopped and turned towards the class, kept his bag on the table and said, "I'll tell you a story to utilise the remaining time".
Everyone became interested.
Yesterday night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save my time next morning and might induce sleep. After having my tank full, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride.
Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party. Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed.
(Who would deny a beautiful young company instead of a dry non sleepy need).
She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent, had control on many topics which many youngsters don't.
When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behavior and accepted that she had fallen in love with me.
I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I've also started liking her. I told her about my job as a professor in the university.
The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favor, to which i couldn't have denied naturally.
She said that her brother is a student in the same university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now.
I asked the name of the student.She said that I'll recognise him with one of his very prominent quality.
He whistles a lot.
The moment the professor said this, all eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled.
The professor turned to that boy and said,
"Young man I didn't get my Ph.D by sitting on my ass & Now Get Out ."
SPEEDY DRINK & SLAP
You & Inimical Hope of others vs beneficial Hope of THIEF
A Thief and rich landlord both infront of Lord in temple worshipping. Both know each other and petition to Lord:
Land Lord: Am leaving for a fortnight to see my ailing mother in my native village. Till I return, oh my lord take care of my home and the valuables from the notorious thief standing now right infront of you pretending to worship you. Upon my return, I shall drop in your hundi ₹5000.
Thief: Lord I know the Landlord now standing opposite me here, worshipping you for protecting his home and valuables from being stolen when he is away for a fortnight or so. I am planning to break open his home tonight and steal his valuables. Help me to succeed and I shall drop in your hundi ₹5000.
God - Lord Vinayak listened to prayers of both and was not at all in a dilemma. He acted just, solved and blessed both? How - any guess?
father : father in law
mother : mother in law
son : son in law
daughter : daughter in law
brother : brother in law
sister : sister in law
wife : ????
Nothing can be said for law if spouse because
*She Is The Law*
Copied from Post by @singapalsmile
A man joined a big multinational company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone: " "Quickly Get me a cup of coffee, "
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you have dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
Tamilian lady : Enga husband Engineer, unga husband enna panraar?
Malayalee lady : Enga husband odittar (Auditor !!)
Tamil wife : Ayyo Pavame, sorry.
PIG & PHILOSOPHER
A man was travelling in a boat with his pig.
There was also a philosopher with other passengers in that boat.
The pig had never travelled in a boat before, so it was not feeling comfortable.
It was going up and down, not letting anyone sit in peace.
The boatman was troubled by this and was concerned that the boat would sink due to the panic of the passengers.
If the pig doesn't calm down it will drown the boat.
The man was upset about the situation, but could not find any way to calm the pig.
The philosopher watched all this and decided to help.
He said: " If you allow, I can make this pig as quiet as a house cat."
The man immediately agreed.
The philosopher, with the help of two passengers, picked up the pig and threw it into the river.
The pig started to swim desperately to stay afloat.
It was now dying and struggled for its life.
After some time, the philosopher dragged the pig back into the boat.
The pig was quiet and went and sat in a corner.
The man and all passengers were surprised at the changed behaviour of the pig.
The man asked the philosopher: "At first it was jumping up and down. Now it is sitting like a pet cat. Why?"
Philosopher said: "No one realises the misfortune of another without tasting trouble. When I threw this pig into the water, it understood the power of the water and the usefulness of the boat."
Pigs that are jumping up and down in India should be thrown in North Korea, Afghanistan, Somalia, South Sudan, Syria, Iraq or Pakistan or even China for 6 months, then on coming to India, they will automatically become calm as a pet cat and will lie in a corner.
Dedicated to all those true Bharat Vasis.