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Passive Aggressive Comments

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by mangaii, May 26, 2024.

  1. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    How do you deal with passive aggressive comments from family ?
    As much I’m at peace, it does get me sometime and then my mental health spirals down . My anxiety spikes up and I become restless. Doer knows very well what they are doing since I have been open about how I feel about certain things. It creeps in most unexpected time and after that I cannot stop. Any idea on dealing with these comments and people . Unfortunately avoiding isn’t possible
     
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  2. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Mangaii,

    When it's family you can't cut them off but again it comes under boundaries.

    3 way to approach. ( I choose the second and third way)

    When they something like that give them sarcastic reply. Very rarely I go this route as I think I am not good at it. I can't win them with words. It's a waste of my energy and time.

    As we grow we older we have very less energy. We need to save it for the right people and right purpose.

    Second option when they start such topic change topic or cut the call or say "I am getting another call, need to pick now". " some one is knocking at the door". Make it visible you are not going to entertain them. You already told them to not to make such comments. If they can still repeat you can abruptly end it.

    Third ignore. Completely ignore that comment and ask some silly questions like which movie did you watch recently? Something very silly. Act like you didn't hear the comment they made.

    Remember if our positive energy or prana is high we can easily deal with negative people or situation. If our energy is law even the slightest comment will effect us.
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    My point, think in their shoes. They want you to get affected, hurt, and suffer. Its a conscious effort if repeated many times. Its gas-lighting . It works only if your are gas- lightable. These comments reflect them not you. Dont be a mirror to get affected. Maintain your own personality, give them respect. Dont punish yourself. A good person give you feed back or suggestions or comments in a respectable way and don't use passive agressive approach.

    So, the best answer is behave as if you dont care or not get affected or super happy. Thats the only way to make them fail. As if you don't even notice their comments. Be a professional, dont take every thing to heart.

    Sometimes, acting deaf, leaving the scenes or ignoring to the core or being super nice/ sweet etc help. It depends on the person and comment. As @ salad pointed out above, giving it back or sarcastic commments or jovial reply work sometimes. Whatever it may be, dont allow any one to cross boundary, if they address you directly. That time give a reply in a calm cool manner if you feel its needed. You need to give a response, not your reaction.


    Then, if you want to cry, go to a private space and cry out there. But not in front of anyone, who want you to be sad, fail and dont respect you. Keep your head high.

    “You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass.” - a wise person

    My point is others opinion doesn't matter if you believe in yourself and confident. But if you get affected by others comments every time, its time to introspect, be mindful and improve yourself. Comes with practice. I have told myself -my life is precious, time and energy too, so dont waste even a second for negative people or situation as much as I can. It also mean standingup for yourself-but when, why, what, to whom and how etc, its purely our choice. Enjoy your life to the fullest. Take it easy . Cheer up.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2024
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Adding couple of thoughts to the excellent points and suggestions posted by salad and DDream above.

    I've thought about why it happens and when. It is not unexpected; there is often a pattern. As salad mentioned, it happens most when our morale or energy is already low, maybe due to unrelated issues or worries.

    It also happens when we engage in conversations with the doer that share our vulnerabilities or when our opinions coincide during discussions about a relative or family event. The doer sees these "pally pally" moments as opportunities to test whether our boundaries are still strong.
    Two things I try to keep in mind:
    - Avoiding the doer is not possible, but anytime chats or calls increase in intensity and frequency, reduce them. Simplest way is to respond after a longer gap and be brief such as "ok" instead of a paragraph.
    - We can't eliminate our reactions to provocations but we can minimize them. Treat the provocations like a disease that cannot be cured but can be managed. Calmly remind the doer not to do that, without questioning their behavior or asking why they persist.
     
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  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    This reminds me of a story of monk that i had read in Times of India. The link here is an apt one and an interesting read.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2024
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  6. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    I am someone who always has to immediately reply back to negative comments and this always puts me in bad light as my vulnerabilities are exposed. The doer is successful as she has indirectly provoked me to spill out unwanted information or show my irritation about the topic.

    Recently, when I met people who makes such comments, I maintained silence on hearing their passive aggressive comments. I did not give any response to them and they were unsuccessful. I felt very happy and peaceful.
     
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  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    Passive comments can be deflected by asking counter questions.
     

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