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Parents Sleeping Apart - Impact On Kids?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by Rihana, Dec 22, 2020.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I was catching up with a friend, she must be around 35-37 yrs old, not a close friend, but we have a rapport. Has two kids around 6 - 8 yrs old.

    The kids need separate rooms for online school, since Covid WFH, she uses the master bedroom as her office, her husband uses their guest room.

    After a few weeks of WFH, and early morning/late night work meetings, they ended up sleeping separately Sunday through Thursday. Sleep together Friday and Sat night. : ) I didn't ask, she volunteered all this information.

    She said she is worried about the impact on their kids. I found that kind of silly and almost LOL said 'you need a bigger problem.. we are in a pandemic, you worry about this...'

    She was not amused, and changed the topic saying, 'you might not understand.'

    I don't know what she meant by that..:cool: but question here is:

    Is it really a big deal if young kids see parents sleeping separately? Can cause emotional damage to the tender impressionable minds?

    .
     
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  2. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    We all (had) debriefed kids when they come home from preschool or elementary. Older children resist, and yield scant information, unless they think mom/dad would really go for that news/gossip.
    All manner of private information get from one house to another -- overflowing toilet, parental squabbles, the lot. Sleeping-apart is part of that menu that children may reveal to their preschool or elementary friends, and that may get interpreted by their parents, who may even dispense pop-remedies to our kids (if they happen to be after-school sitters). Life can get too complex to unmuddle.

    I can understand why your 37 year old she wasn't amused, and thought you might not understand.

    Western country resident desis do not show sufficient DA (display of affection) at home. Children get to school, and learn much from classmates about the other parents -- quarrels, arguments, domestic abuse etc. Sleeping apart news is an episode of the serial reality show-drama's they may already know. Desi parents who sleep apart [too much dhokla in diet may even be the cause of that !!] for whatever reason, ought to compensate for that by more DA at home. Rub noses like eskimo's when they come out of that home-office during their breaks. Let watching kids go "eewww" at the affectionate sharing of the aura's which may contain the covid virus.
     
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  3. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Exactly how I find it too ....

    IMO, 6-8 years is too young to be impacted by the fact that the parents are sleeping separately. I doubt if they can read anything out of it. I have no idea if it is any different for desis abroad.

    Togetherness and oneness of the parents is understood by children through many other gestures, actions and instances and not just by the sleeping arrangements. How the parents put up a unified front when disciplining children, how they attend to each others needs without being asked, extra love that each shower at the dining table by sharing that scant favourite food, how they stand up for each other during the interactions with everybody outside family, volunteering to share each others load of work so on and so forth are all the many instances where children read love, affection and over-all health of the relationship between parents.

    Sleeping arrangement is not the only indicator of love and IMO, potential emotional damage due to absence of one ideal arrangement temporarily, is a remote possibility.. that too for children of that age.
     
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  4. Deepsmara

    Deepsmara Bronze IL'ite

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    My childhood memories : me and my sister sleeping on either side of mom in the bedroom. And dad sleeping in hall Alone.
    No it didn't cause any sort of emotional damage on us.

    I'm with you on this. Yes a bit silly. Sometimes young parents worry for something which is not a matter of concern.
    Her mind voice : why did I even share this with her. :laughing:

    Edited to add :6 and 8 years old are too young to understand why aren't parents sleeping together.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You are funny. : )

    I think she meant, "you don't really get how children's minds work." Ha!

    LOL. : ) This couple actually happens to be a very openly affectionate from the little I have seen of them. I gather he has been handling the online school issues such as leave a meeting to go help rejoin Google classroom. I mean one can tell by the way they are when in the company of others.
     
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    That's what I thought. If anything, children will remember after the pandemic is over how parents adapted to the challenges of WFH.

    I have a friend who for whatever reasons had separate sleeping arrangements. Mom slept in the same room (different bed) as their only child for a long long time. Child grew up into a very normal adult : ) about to arrange parents' 25th anniv celebrations. : ) And this friend, was our, ahem, guide, for inputs on the latest and safest birth control. ; )
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    : ) Nothing like an example that is hard to refute. : )

    ======
    My DH says what really bugged me was her "you might not understand." : ) Darn it.. he is right...; )

    I was tempted to tell her about a quote I read by Austrian psychiatrist Rudolph Dreikurs:
    Children are keen observers but poor interpreters.
     
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  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Such a lot of gobbledy gook exists in psychology/parenting magazines in the west about the co-sleeping and parents-sleeping-apart. In indian middle class families, there is no such problems, because the whole world they know is doing the same things.
    Children interpret what they had observed and heard, then synthesize with the world view they have got. I remember from years and years ago, the question: "if you two got divorced, who would I go with?". In India that would be unthinkable for a 7 year old in 2nd grade, even today.
     

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