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Parents' Attitude

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Meghaa, Feb 1, 2018.

  1. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Just a vent , dont think there is any 'solution' other than accepting and making peace with it

    Most women here are complaining about in-laws but for me its parents!

    They have a bad attitude/complex when it comes to me & money

    Background : They have enough if not more , their son is doing fine too. My husband and I do have more $$ than either of them

    We dont expect anything from them rather do whatever we can do for them.

    But some examples of hurtful/annoying behaviour :

    1) At their son's wedding , clothes were gifted to everyone - their siblings , nieces etc ( even to my in laws) BUT not me and my husband. ( Note : these are people who gave money every year to my paternal aunts and my m other gets money every year from her brother's for a saree).. Its not like they dint have the money just for the 2 of us.

    2) Because of their complex , they act like they want to give is gifts : ex : she will call my MIL and ask if its ok for her to buy a XYZ silver item for me ( claiming to check the tradition or what not). Everyone knows my in-laws will say no. Then she will tell me , I wanted to buy this , but your MIL said , you shouldnt have it unless you do Pooja every day! No one sked her to buy me anything. As if she takes my in-laws' permission for everything.

    3) They are now visiting me in US now. She tells me my cousin gifted her money and said either spend it or give it to her(me) but dont bring it back. So she tells me Dad dint even acknowledge it ( implying he doesnt want to give it to me) - but the money was given to HER! She dint even have to tell me any of this.

    Again , I dont care about the $$. But its annoying hurtful.
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2018
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  2. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op ,I feel bad for you ..all this happens with inlaws but parents it hurt big time..
    It's easy to say ignore then done but u have to..

    Was your mom like this from the beginning or just now...
    Other then these gifts does she give u time n mak u feel inviting then forget about this...
    May be your mom thinks U may not like what she buys...
    ask your mom why did she ask your mil to take presents for u.. tell her directly u have to ask me..
    if u really feel want to clear it ask your mom directly..tell her u felt bad..it's ur mom u don't have to hide your feelings
     
  3. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for understanding - yes , its hurts deep when its your own parents doing this.

    Yes - she has always been like this - ever since I started earning. I used to send her money before - she would try not to acknowledge it.
    Its only about the money - doesnt spread to other things. Hence I still have strong ties with her.

    My Dad on the other side - has a constant list of I want this. I want that. He thinks this is some all expenses paid resort. I am just doing what I want to and ignoring the other requests - and I feel like a bad person! Its so stressful.

    Talking about it wont help - it is not a misunderstanding , its how they are.

    Its not about us not liking what she buys - she was with us when we bought something for a couple of thousand rupees - dint offer to pay. But they will mention it when we are at home sitting on couches but never actually bring any cash.
     
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    In India we elevate parents to the level of god, they could do no wrong . But in reality they are human beings with as many flaws as any other human being. They can be as selfish/ greedy/ indifferent as ones in laws . In fact when we complain about our inlaws we never realize that our parents probably end up being terrible in laws themselves .
    The only thing that really works in their favor is that they would never wish bad for their child. So accept them as they are, keep your expectations very low and make peace that this is how they will treat you.
    You are bitter that they do not spend on you, maybe they feel they have done their duty and now it’s time for you to take care of them financially. Don’t go overboard but fulfill their basic needs if it doesn’t affect you. If you feel very bitter there is no point spending on them. If that’s the case, take a back seat but help them when they really need you in a health crisis or something similar.
     
  5. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Expecting is one thing - being cheap is another...
    I an not bitter - I am sad/hurt.
    Its not that I dont want to spend..
     
  6. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Its like my Dad thinks - stuff he gets me to buy for him is free.
    Its not just with me though - they are cheap. period.
    My Dad is obvious about it while my Mom thinks she is being smart
     
  7. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    OP - maybe it is financial insecurity. Is your father working out has already retired? Maybe they are little unsure about their own son - if he will take care of them in their old age. Hence they are behaving like this in financial matters. They are trying to save as much possible for their old age needs. Just my thought.
     
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  8. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    He is retired but gets pension+rental income. They both know I will take care if anything important comes up.
    There is no need to try to slide in requests here and there and act like it wont matter to me
     
  9. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    Then you have correctly analyzed there is no “solution “ for this except accepting.
     
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  10. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Oh well... I have known this for a long time now.
    Part of the reason I waited this long before havign them over.
    But of late , I started to feel the insecurity of not having unlimited time left with them.
    So I brought them - I guess they sometimes just flare it up and test my acceptance
     

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