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Parenting - your strength, your 'needs improvement'

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by Rihana, Mar 31, 2016.

  1. MehulAtharvMom

    MehulAtharvMom Gold IL'ite

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    @momsky,
    I guess, your coffee is really refreshing.

    That's make you special

    santoshi
     
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  2. Anvitha

    Anvitha Moderator Staff Member Gold IL'ite

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    okay,

    My strengths would be (or may be i can say positive outcomes)

    1. cooks nutritious food as per their tastes whioh they loves and never complain
    Nutrition is a mandatory at our home as per dh being a doctor.
    2. able to make them book-worms like me. dh only reads his books, nothing else.
    Teachers really praises them for their knowledge not for marks.

    negative outcomes out of our tight schedules

    1 unable to keep the home organised and have no time to discipline as well
    2. Cannot control laziness as iam lazy on weekends
     
  3. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana,

    Parenting is not a part-time job and it is something that doesn't finish when the child attains the age of 18. We have only one but back at the growing age, he was handful. Everyone was questioning why he was so hyperactive and we looked at it as a child who was happy and full of energy.

    My wife and I were not necessarily the best in parenting nor it is possible to come up with a list that fits all children. However, here are a very few thoughts in parenting:

    1) Distribution - My wife and I decided who would focus on various aspects of the parenting and distributed it among ourselves. For example, I was in charge of giving him shower everyday when she was responsible for dressing him up. This helped both of us to build a close affection with the child. Disciplining him was my responsibility when health and hygiene was her responsibility.

    2) Observation - We both observed him carefully to study his milestones, growth pattern, personal habits, eating preferences, sleeping time and made sure there were no sudden changes.

    3) Education - We both focused our attention to inquire more about what happened in the school, new friends he made, how he enjoyed the school session, any issues faced in the school, etc. before we focused on his studies. This is to emphasize his character and behavior are more important than his education. We got him into the habit of getting his homework out of the way before he went out to play with his friends.

    4) Play time - This was a prefixed time every evening when he was compelled to play with his friends that involved intense running and a lot of physical exercise. Structured learning involved Swimming, Karate, Tennis, etc. based on what he preferred.

    5) Art - We felt development of his creativity is very important hence focused on some form of art that he was interested in. Sometimes, he drew something and other times he pretended playing musical instruments. We noticed that his interest for music was overwhelming and taught him Piano. Later, when he left this education in a week's time, we allowed him to pull out and determine his own interest. Finally, we found out his interest was to play Guitar.

    5) Conversation - I used to give first preference to him when I returned from work to have a long conversation with him before I engage in a conversation with my wife. This increased his self-confidence that he is a major part of the family. I used to sit down to maintain eye-contact with him when I have the conversation. He used to also use this session to talk about the mistakes he had made during the day. I used to hold his hands and ask a serious of questions to derive answers himself because I believed a child that derives answers to determine right or wrong becomes a well-informed decision-making child.

    6) Cleaning - On weekends, my wife and I used to do a lot of week end routine on maintenance of our home and most importantly, we used to teach him how to keep his room clean. All his toys and play items would go into a box, his garments placed properly into a cupboard, shoes placed in a rack and all his washable clothes, socks, etc. are put into the washer. We have trained him to put his plate back into the sink. Later, this habit developed into him washing his own clothes and keeping his room cleaned regularly even today.

    7) Reading - My wife and I used to and continue to be veracious readers of the book and we developed this habit for him to seek knowledge. Sometimes, we read books for him and slowly allowing him to develop his own interest to read. We asked him to volunteer in the library at a later age so that he was always surrounded by the books.

    8) Friends - When he brought his friends home, we used to have conversation with those children treating them the same way we treat our own child and ask them a lot of questions. When we found some great qualities in them, we used to appreciate them in the presence of our child immediately instead of talking about it with our child separately later comparing him with the other child. This has resulted in him developing a habit to look for great qualities in others.

    9) Maids - My wife has a great habit of treating the maids with respect like they are guests. They used to love working for us wherever we lived. This has resulted in my son developing the same habit of treating them well. Even today, when we go to Chennai, he talks freely with all of them and treat them well.

    10) Sharing - Whenever a child came to play with my son at home, we have made sure he shared all of his toys with other children. This was a very important trait he built and even today, whether it is his books or belongings, he doesn't mind sharing it with other friends. Even a few don't return them, it is okay. At least, he has a good habit of sharing.

    We have many more to share and also many regrets which makes us think that given an another chance, we could have done it differently. I will share more later..........

    Viswa
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    That's a comprehensive list Viswa. Am curious about the above. Though given your track record, it'll pro'lly be just improvements on tasks already well done? : )

    Kind of a coincidence this thread got bumped up. A dear friend and I are (only half seriously) considering running away. To any place.. maybe a one year Europe backpacking trip in areas with very low or nil cell phone network. There are phases when this parenting bizness is just so tiring and a thankless job. That one is doing one's best is cold comfort. To another friend who said 'don't worry about the phal, do the karm' I offered to come over and hit her with a blunt object. : )

    Note to self: This too, shall pass. : )
     
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  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana,

    No, I am serious. There are some grave mistakes I have done in disciplining that resulted in some very rough relationship issue when he moved away for undergrad. I didn't realize that there was a universal unwritten code in the US that parents would allow children to stay awake until very late after they reach High School and also allow them to come late once they have a car. We had a very tough lights-off rule at 10 p.m. This had caused serious rebellion attitude for a while until, it was discussed and regretted.

    If I give an impression through my writing here that parenting is a piece of cake, I will be doing a great injustice to all the budding parents. It is one of the most challenging job in a life time.

    Viswa
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2016
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  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana

    A few decisions, we as parents, had made when he was young and still attending school resulted in shaping him very well:

    1) Inquiry - In order to make him inquire everything into granular details, we have asked him to attend a training program(four weeks) that helped him how to seek knowledge rather than information from the world of information (what is now termed as big data analytics). This program was available privately and we thought it was worth paying for it. Honestly, we believe that decision had resulted in him going into details not only in his research program but also on other subjects including religions, spiritual practices, physical fitness, dietary plans, science, history, language studies, and many other areas of his interest.

    2) Etiquette - This was 2.5 weeks of program to teach the Western style of etiquette in a meeting room, class room, listening, talking slowly, table manners, dress sense, etc.

    3) Financial discipline - This was an initiative that came from my son asking me to enroll him in this program. It gave him a full-fledged knowledge about how to make informed financial decisions, financial planning, how to balance budget, expense control, ratio analysis, etc.

    4) International travel experience - When he was in the sixth grade (age 12), he got an opportunity to travel to Japan along with three other boys, three girls and two teachers for winning a contest. We were initially very nervous to send him and later made up our mind to send him. He was given orientation about Japanese lifestyle. Because we were all Green card holders at that time, I had obtained visa for him to go to Japan and bought him the air ticket. He worked as a caddy in a Bridge tournament and accumulated enough money to spend in Japan. All boys were paired with other boys in Japan and the girls with Japanese girls. They stayed in houses of the Japanese families for 2.5 weeks and traveled to Nagano, Hiroshima, Tokyo and many other places. He took a lot of photographs and still hold it as his pride possession. He bought a lot of gifts for his parents and grandparents and was very excited about traveling in the bullet train. He still speaks about the Japanese culture very much.

    More to come later..........

    Viswa
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Viswa, I am sure I speak for many.. Thank you for the posts and the knowledge, experience and thoughts you are sharing. Hard to come by such examples of bringing up children in the U.S. with balanced Indian and American values such that they go on to make a mix of "motorbike" and "gold" purchases" : )

    Just for your posts, thread should be made sticky.

    Thanks again. I'll be more candid that I should be - it is a tough taxing weekend for me. Tons of second-guessing and oh-my-god'ding. Some real, some perceived, some necessary, some unnecessary concerns. I read your posts, saw a few 'hey I did that too' and that was balm to the mind which was as ashaant as if it has two monkeys and one banana in there.
     
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  8. VaniVyas

    VaniVyas Platinum IL'ite

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    I dont make healthy breakfast, usually give her bread and butter. To compensate, i have started ensuring that i prepare fresh veggies and rice for her as dinner.
    I try as much as possible to reduce oily snacks, but then her favorites are samosa and pani puri.;)
    Of late, have stopped buying bread and started giving chappati, upma and a fruit in bf.
    She is too moody in her studies which pisses me off. I lose my temper while making her do the homework.
    If she is not willing to write, she will not write no matter what. That stubbornness makes me lose it. She is very possessive and does not share things much easily. Being a single child i think it s obvious and will take time.
    She has a good memory and remembers how i scolded her on each occassion...
    Another issue which i face due to her strong memory is if i tell him this particular dress is for going picnic, no mattter what that particular dress will be worn only for a picnic.:BangHead:

    She remembers all her dress very well and never agrees for a small change also. If a dress has a belt no matter what, she ensures that I make her wear the belt each time. One day we missed the school dress since the matching underdress which we wanted was not found. No comprise on these things

    In this intensive summers also, sometimes for a temple visit she insists on a skirt and blouse. Making me [​IMG]:rage:
     
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  9. iyerviji

    iyerviji Finest Post Winner

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    Parenting was not so easy for me. I got my first daughter only at the age of 33 yrs and another 3 years two more children. So bringing up the 3 children was difficult being a working woman. My husband's support and help was there so could manage. He had Wednesday's off and myself Saturday and Sunday. He never had much holidays so the children could not see the parents together. He used to leave at 7 a.m. and myself 7.30 a.m and come back at 4.30 pm and me at 6.30 pm.He was very strict and used to teach them the good things, more about being economic and to eat whatever they get. Now also they dont buy costly gifts for them because they know he wont like. No doubt once in a way they buy. Due to financial condition we lead asimple life, first in a chawl for 5 years and after my son was born we got our own house paying pagdi. Evening after office he never used to go anywhere but come home fast to take care of childen though we had a maid at home. Evening he used to bring them to the station when I used to come fromoffice. Wednesdays when they were kids he used to givthem oil bath, put the plaits for the daughters and leave them at the bus stop. My neighbours used to be jealous because he used to help me in everything , while cooking, taking care of children. But they never knew that how stricthe was and also short tempered. He wanted everything fast. Studies I used to take care till they were in primary. Sometimes had to go late during exams . My bosses allowed because I was good in my job. But our Vice President used to say you are taking maximum leave that too I used to take only when necessary. My son being in th emiddle did not get much attention as elder one was there and then the younger one. He has good grasping power so used to get good marks. He used to give up for his sisters and was independent. In that way all three of them learnt to beindependent when later noone was there to take care of them

    I tried my best to bring them up but only thing I did not teach my daughters cooking thinking anyhow they will learn because I also learnt afte rmarriage only from my husband. Now also he says I cant find fault in your cooking and say what your mother has taught because I only taught you. My elder daughter did not have problems because she married my husband's nephew and he was very good in cooking. My younger daughter had to learn everything and her mil taught her many things and now she is good in cooking .

    Hope I have not gone out of the topic
     
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