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Parenting Help Please!

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by anika987, Oct 29, 2023.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    No matter what I cook..only outside food she likes..


    Clothes will be on the restroom floor despite having two laundary bags..

    Struggle to wake up and do so basic chores like brushing and showering..

    Room cleaning..cajoled,taken away privileges,sometimes yelled,Been calm etc..
    No it will be dirty..

    Always forgetting to put snacks or food playe in the sink..

    Am so bloody frustrated and tired!!

    I do so much and tell firmly to tidy up and everytime there is so much fight and anger and finally do it maybe for two days and then back to square one!!

    I don’t have any energy..When I see homes of other people always clean and they have energy to go out and also do office work and calm around kids..I feel like a bloody failure..

    I try but nothing is working..I feel like a terrible mom..

    Only thing is she is quite good in studies ..rest nope!

    How do I put things in perspective!
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What we see of other people's homes is like seeing their social media updates. It is not the whole picture. If a person has a clean home, we don't know what clutter is other aspects of their lives. So, it's OK to feel a bit down for a short while when we remember the cleaner and more well-done homes, but try to snap out of that faster each time.

    It is instinctive for us women to blame ourselves for anything lacking in the household or family members. From this also, it is better to snap out of that feeling as soon as possible.

    Coming to the behavior issues, you seem to have tried all methods except natural consequences. As she is still a tween (correct?), it is fine if she misses school, play dates, play times, or extra curricular activities. Choose any two of the issues, calmly explain to her that she is responsible for those, and what will happen if she doesn't take care of them in a timely manner. Say that you will help her with remembering the job, but will not do the task for her. Have this discussion in a calm manner, keep it as brief as possible, do not give long reasons, keep the talk very very specific. Have this talk only when you are very sure you will be able to see the natural consequences roll out and not jump to the rescue. Also ensure husband is fully on board with the "please stay out of it" advice. : )

    I suggest picking these two as the starting issues to address:

    Laundry bags: Tell that you will be doing her clothes or the family laundry at one or two specific times in the week. Put that down on the fridge. Ask her if she would like you to take the laundry bags from her room or would she like to put them near the laundry herself. Once that is agreed upon, you stop the reminding and nagging. If she runs out of clean clothes, cries or blames you or wears dirty clothes, be quiet. Make her responsible only for her daily clothes, not her bath towels or bed linen.

    Brushing, showering: She is old enough to use an alarm and wake up by herself. And young enough that missing school or being late will not be a big deal. Talk with her. Say that she is old enough to start getting ready for school by herself. Let her say what help she needs such as maybe two or three alarms set five minutes apart. There are some really loud non-digital alarms available on Amazon. I used to be my kid's third alarm, and exited the room after I got any audible reply to my "wake up." That was about the waking up. Your next job is to keep breakfast on the table by a certain time (like 7 am) (choose items that need not be served hot or you will end up waiting for her to come to the table and argument will ensue.) Finish breakfast or skipping it is her decision. It will be hard but remain calm, do not start lecturing as you see she will be late or hungry to school. Drive at your usual pace to school, and drop at the usual spot, no changes due to being late. Be prepared for tardy/truancy notices from school.

    The bottom line is she knows you will rescue her if her room is messy, clothes on bathroom floor, or if she is late to school, so she is opting for that easy route. Many kids do this. And many of the academically bright kids do this. It is in no way a reflection of your parenting. Time to dispense some tough love. Explain natural consequences and have the strength to stand by and watch those unfold. One of parenting's hardest things to do.

    In short, pick two battles, lay out the plan to her, and then stick to your part. Follow it for at least two weeks before revisiting. Remain calm and keep the lectures short or totally skip lectures.

    But your question actually was:
    Here's a few ways: Remember that you are the best parent she could have. Really. Just read your threads here and that is proof enough. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with the knowledge, wisdom and patience you have right now. Your child's behavior or accomplishments are in no way a measure of you as a parent. Like one wise member said here in IL, we parents tend to take more credit and more blame than we deserve for the way our kids turn out. I also found it reassuring to remind myself that all outside people like teachers, coaches, aunties, uncles, always said what well-behaved saadhu innocent kids I had. : ) So, kid is like this only with me, and will do OK outside. Maybe...
     
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  3. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Anikka,

    One wise colleague had once said - Parenting is always a battle between your kid learning bad and you moving them away to good, no matter what the age is.
    So true...
    for mothers is it more of a fight and seems we have to fight the whole universe, not just kids.

    I am in same phase...everyday reminding to put dirty clothes in basket, dinner plates on sink, glasses on sink.
    I take her clothes our, tell her this that, she would still take out something else.
    One night before i ask her to take out her clothes, she wont.
    Arrange her clothes, no/..

    Couple things-
    you need to be strict and enforce . Once twice there will be mistakes or fights or anger issues. Stay firm.
    Have your husband on your side ( I have that issue because of which i am not able to make any progress).
    Once kid knows which side is heavier, they listen. Its like a sport.. they know their side is weaker when most people are telling her to do something which she is refusing to do.

    in my case, i have younger one too, with escalated fights, kids are too smart, they suddenly become 2 lovely loving siblings.
    Because of all these reasons, i am delaying the decision of pet.
     
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  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks so much @Rihana and @sanjuruby3

    I keep reading your messages again and again..it helps me feel a balance…

    Sometimes it gets very stressful and nowadays am becoming more and more a minimalist so that less stuff and less worry
     

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