Parenting Help Please!

What we see of other people's homes is like seeing their social media updates. It is not the whole picture. If a person has a clean home, we don't know what clutter is other aspects of their lives. So, it's OK to feel a bit down for a short while when we remember the cleaner and more well-done homes, but try to snap out of that faster each time.

It is instinctive for us women to blame ourselves for anything lacking in the household or family members. From this also, it is better to snap out of that feeling as soon as possible.

Coming to the behavior issues, you seem to have tried all methods except natural consequences. As she is still a tween (correct?), it is fine if she misses school, play dates, play times, or extra curricular activities. Choose any two of the issues, calmly explain to her that she is responsible for those, and what will happen if she doesn't take care of them in a timely manner. Say that you will help her with remembering the job, but will not do the task for her. Have this discussion in a calm manner, keep it as brief as possible, do not give long reasons, keep the talk very very specific. Have this talk only when you are very sure you will be able to see the natural consequences roll out and not jump to the rescue. Also ensure husband is fully on board with the "please stay out of it" advice. : )

I suggest picking these two as the starting issues to address:

Laundry bags: Tell that you will be doing her clothes or the family laundry at one or two specific times in the week. Put that down on the fridge. Ask her if she would like you to take the laundry bags from her room or would she like to put them near the laundry herself. Once that is agreed upon, you stop the reminding and nagging. If she runs out of clean clothes, cries or blames you or wears dirty clothes, be quiet. Make her responsible only for her daily clothes, not her bath towels or bed linen.

Brushing, showering: She is old enough to use an alarm and wake up by herself. And young enough that missing school or being late will not be a big deal. Talk with her. Say that she is old enough to start getting ready for school by herself. Let her say what help she needs such as maybe two or three alarms set five minutes apart. There are some really loud non-digital alarms available on Amazon. I used to be my kid's third alarm, and exited the room after I got any audible reply to my "wake up." That was about the waking up. Your next job is to keep breakfast on the table by a certain time (like 7 am) (choose items that need not be served hot or you will end up waiting for her to come to the table and argument will ensue.) Finish breakfast or skipping it is her decision. It will be hard but remain calm, do not start lecturing as you see she will be late or hungry to school. Drive at your usual pace to school, and drop at the usual spot, no changes due to being late. Be prepared for tardy/truancy notices from school.

The bottom line is she knows you will rescue her if her room is messy, clothes on bathroom floor, or if she is late to school, so she is opting for that easy route. Many kids do this. And many of the academically bright kids do this. It is in no way a reflection of your parenting. Time to dispense some tough love. Explain natural consequences and have the strength to stand by and watch those unfold. One of parenting's hardest things to do.

In short, pick two battles, lay out the plan to her, and then stick to your part. Follow it for at least two weeks before revisiting. Remain calm and keep the lectures short or totally skip lectures.

But your question actually was:

Here's a few ways: Remember that you are the best parent she could have. Really. Just read your threads here and that is proof enough. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with the knowledge, wisdom and patience you have right now. Your child's behavior or accomplishments are in no way a measure of you as a parent. Like one wise member said here in IL, we parents tend to take more credit and more blame than we deserve for the way our kids turn out. I also found it reassuring to remind myself that all outside people like teachers, coaches, aunties, uncles, always said what well-behaved saadhu innocent kids I had. : ) So, kid is like this only with me, and will do OK outside. Maybe...