Our Life is getting disturbed by brother-in-law, pls help

rupac · Mar 14, 2014

Hi all...
so I have been happily married to the nicest person on earth for over 6 years , has 2 beautiful children. But the problem is my husband's only sibling (his younger brother) says "he doesn't want to work!.." he wants to direct a film etc..,"

All his age group are being so responsible & are well settled with nice jobs and getting married & even buying small properties with the help of their jobs...But this guy is so peculiar says" he can't sit in the office from 9 till 5 & wait for a month to be salaried" ... From over 6+ years my hubby looks after all his expenses, travel, food, rent, partying,etc.,

After millions of arguments with my hubby , he somehow reduced sending money, (though not stopped fully) Even their parents told him many times and the answer from them is: ("we told him many times but he don't like to do a job, what can we do?"

After few years of continuos wasting time , he said " he'll start some business & stuff" and "he then bought a brand new car for loan 15- 17 lac rupees( god knows which bank has come forward)
saying that " he will be well respected in the society and may make good business" by having a car...And then slowly he bought all the Apple products (such as, laptop, phones etc..,)
One day he said "I'll do some IT business" Because my hubby is a developer, he has to set up a website for his business and etc.., he gives work to hubby where he does all this extra work after coming from his day job...
Atleast he don't do the business thing properly & within days he says" I want to do another business , Get the website ready for me!" and my hubby starts working on it nights long without sleep....His linkedin page says Director/CEO of the company!
he don't know anything about anywork.....There's no stability in his work at all....

When I ask my hubby ... why cant you teach him what you are doing & how long will you do for him...why not he do his job? and we all need your time?
well the answer is:"I'm not sending enough money these days, at least let me do this, so he can get the money from the business!"..." he don't want to learn anything, i can't force him!"

He now asks to send at-least 50k per month as his expenses for maintaing the cars reaching skies, he also has few credit cards & he explains every vegetable price ( like onions , dal, oil , these prices are even growing higher etc...,)
Not even a phone call or in an email he never asks about his health or his sleep...he dont care about his brother, he 's just using my hubby .......

When we don't call for a month or so, " he emotionally says , why are you not calling us? whats wrong with you, did u forget us, mother is crying bla bla bla"

If he don't want to work for anyone,thats fine! why can't he start something and focus on it until he earns stable income...now this guy wants to marry his girlfriend in the next months? I say my hubby how can he marry without income...i mean how can he run a family without a job......meaning, its a new expense for us again.........then both argue...fight verbally...cry....

Please kindly help me, please give us a relief, Experienced persons pls answer!..I need your help...(I never spoke to my brotherinlaw directly about all this...I just say Hi, Bye)
My questions:::
1) Why can't my hubby say him to work strongly? how to make him work?

2) I tell him to help him , when he is really working hard, u know when he's being responsible? How can he become a responsible person? He's getting ready for marriage now...god know wat happens next!

3) How on earth does a Man don't have feelings to work? is it a disease? How long do this drama last?

4) His parents , my hubby , why can't they be rude to him?

I'm frustrated , pls help me deal this situation smoothly.
Pls give me ideas........

Mahajanpragati · Mar 14, 2014

till your hubby decides that enough is enough nothing can be done.you will only make your hubby annoyed with constant nagging.you have every right to complain about this situation but your complaints are not bringing any results.
the other way is to talk to BIL and clearly say that he should not expect any financial help from your hubby.you have every right to refuse to assist him even if you are not earning as whatever money your hubby earns is family money and all have to suffer if that money is diverted to some other person.be strong and say NO.

RedRuby · Mar 14, 2014

You might ask your hubby in a relaxed moment what will (financially) happen if his brother gets married and will have children as he is basically not able to settle with a family and take care of them.. in the end it sounds like your hubby is going to be responsible for 2 families.... which is dangorous and cud effect the amount of money you both safe for your own future plus your kids education (brothers loans can come across kids education!!)... its just a vent out by me.. maybe this thoughts make him rethink the situation a bit as its not about abandon or drop his brother rather then take responsible for own (nuclear) family as first priority

What i mean to say i guess is please dont nag but instead try to give rational reasons in form of calculations, those are sometimes better understood by men...

"1) Why can't my hubby say him to work strongly? how to make him work?"

Unless he is backed up and flies with a safety system which works so nicely as your hubby, there so basic need to work hard. How much is hubby older? Is he used from childhood to be the elder (caretaker) and responsible one? Cud be old habbits, too strong and false feeling of responsibility (doesnt help instead making it worst in this case as he never got tought responsibility), or cud be try to avoid stress for parents so taking over, cud be he is very soft natured and have difficulties to say no specially to loved ones

2) I tell him to help him , when he is really working hard, u know when he's being responsible? How can he become a responsible person? He's getting ready for marriage now...god know wat happens next!

As i already mentiond.. the whole family of his is going to rely and hence will be financial burden to your hubby... Its a bit like with a kid it seems, if we sit next and correct while doing homework mistakes or re-check it will help them understanding better and gaining knowledge, if we do it for them they wont understand themselfs and are not able to pass any exams... ur hubby has to understand that

3) How on earth does a Man don't have feelings to work? is it a disease? How long do this drama last?

No its not a desease, its simply lazyness as it seems he never learnd money isnt groing on trees. If you dont stop it for long time.

4) His parents , my hubby , why can't they be rude to him?"

Good question, the point is - if they are not rude now, problem will get worse, if u forbid ur child to play with fire it mind sound harsh for that moment to that kid but its the only way to prepare them for life by sometimes kicking them a bit... is he the youngest one? Sounds like he is the lil prince of the family...

Is your hubby checking his finances or loans? If your hubby is sending so much money and financing partly his business he might have a say in controlling the spendings too for security.

Akanksha1982 · Mar 14, 2014

This is not uncommon. When people come here, they have this inner guilt that they are enjoying here and the family is left there. The ties are decades old and the feeling is hard to remove. Most people then send money back home. On the other side, the family in India has this feeling that their son/brother is a big shot and is rolling in dollars over here and feel that it is his obligation to support them. Unfortunately, their wishes and expectations are like ocean and even a heavy rain is looked as a drop in the bucket.

Here would be my suggestions.
1. Try to get some retail space and have him manage a store. This could be a food stall (like subway, mcdonalds or local brand) or grocery store or garment store or something like that. This is a better way then trickling down money.
2. Buy a flat nearby (in your an DH's name) in India and rent it out. Give a portion of monthly rent to his family (not to his brother).

These are better options then just sending the money from here. It affects your life style here and does not help his family as well.

My DH's sister's husband lost his jobs. Her kids are studying (one of her son is trying to clear final CA for the last 3 years). we bought a flat nearby and rented it out. His sister maintains the flat and we split the rent. The flat is in our name. It costed us nearly $200k at that time but now it has appreciated to $500K.

kavithavel · Mar 15, 2014

Hi,

For a minute I though I had written it down...Seriously this thread is a replica of the situation in my house..Well my BIL and this family's situation is even more worse I can say. He wasted 13 yrs and now is into cinema as a assistant directors, but with all salary and expense born by his elder brother(My DH). But I don't mind..I don't even give my head to it...Its been 9 yrs that I married now and I am kind of so separate from all issues now a days. I mind my job, I keep myself engaged with my work and kids.
Stop worrying !!Things may get better , hope for the best, but that would take some time.

Rihana · Mar 15, 2014

Changing your husband's or BIL's behavior is difficult. Make the problem smaller. Let's say you are fine with a reasonable amount being sent once in a while and will never say no for emergencies, and you only want to avoid this regular sending of money to a person who refuses to hold even a simple job.

The only way I can think of is to make less money available to send. Find some good investments like real estate or education funds for your kids that you guys pay into monthly. Stop talking about your BIL, and start talking about investing for the future.

If you are also working, the discussion with husband about long term investments might go easier.

Your frustration is understandable. Is there any other reason your husband is helping so much? Some family dynamics from their childhood or from when your husband was single? Is your husband indebted in some way to his brother?

priyadarshini79 · Mar 16, 2014

Dont worry ,just hope for everything goes good in future ,

most of the mens are irresponisible in some or other way in their duties.Dont waste your time in thinking on this,try to deviate your mind by keeping your own activities

You told to your husband not to spend money on him, if you are husband is not saying to his brother then what will you do? it is your duty to say to your husband if he wont say just leave them alone by not giving any suggessions

Just observe the situation and dont keep the situations on your head end of the day no use.otherthan losing your concentration

heron · Mar 16, 2014

Its tough on you ...very!...but try not bringing up this topic for a season, by doing so you are doing 2 things to yourself:
1. Your husband will only increase his frustration towards you..as a person, which is very dangerous
2. You arent giving anytime for him to actually think

So, for now,,,you have to keep quiet.

rupac · Mar 16, 2014

@Mahajanpragati: Exactly that's what is happening!..I'm so so getting frustrated...
I'm waiting eagerly .. like a winning a Lotto/Jackpot..for him to say "NO" to him..

rupac · Mar 16, 2014

@RedRuby: Yes he's the youngest one in the family. My hubby is 4 years elder than BIL(brotherinlaw)...And yes my hubby is the most softest person and he started earning from some part time job since he was a college student...& he never worked for anyone till date. YES it is really hard for him to say "NO" to his work/acts/demands or whatsoever!..and again an Yes that my motherinlaw is the biggest supporter of my BIL , she never be rude to him to find a job instead she tells my hubby to buy things for his enjoyment a lot of times