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Open Letter From A Mother

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by jayasala42, Jun 17, 2016.

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Jun 18, 2016 #11

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vaidehi71 said: ↑

Mami,

Really heart wrenching story, same goes to my parents and my situation. Am I to blame or what is to be done now and for future, is still nagging me. I am yet to find some solution to this situation. I am feeling responsible for their future and at the same time have no concrete solution to this at this moment.
I have just left what future holds as something to tackle at that moment. Sorry sailing in the same boat without any answers.

Take care,
Vaidehi
Click to expand...

Dear Vaidehi,Viswa,Sysmsla,Satchitananda,Viji and all others,Thanks a lot to everybodyforextensive research and wonderful reply.Our pc crashed today and it may take some time to.make it function.So I am giving a simple common ack to all.Ishall respond to everyone as and when pc is ready.jayasala42

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

#11

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Jun 18, 2016 #12

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jayasala42 said: ↑

Dear Vaidehi,Viswa,Sysmsla,Satchitananda,Viji and all others,Thanks a lot to everybodyforextensive research and wonderful reply.Our pc crashed today and it may take some time to.make it function.So I am giving a simple common ack to all.Ishall respond to everyone as and when pc is ready.jayasala42
Click to expand...

No worries.
Sort out the pc issues and hope you and mama are fine.
Take care,
Vaidehi

vaidehi71, Jun 18, 2016

vaidehi71, Jun 18, 2016

#12
Jun 18, 2016 #13

satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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Definitely, a lady of the generation of mothers would definitely feel that way. However, having grown up in a generation where one was not deprived of exposure to societal changes, she knows the constraints the children face too. Writing these kinds of letters to grown up children is not going to help her purpose any. If anything, she is sabotaging her own interests. It is just human psychology that if someone feels under pressure to do something, they tend to run away or ignore. However, if the same mother were to write slightly more neutrally, casually mentioning her condition, stating facts like the matter about the property (without trying to bring in sentiments such as ancestral property etc.), it is likely that the same children might feel more protective of her and her interests. This letter is heavy emotional blackmail. Not the best solution to her problems.

satchitananda, Jun 18, 2016

satchitananda, Jun 18, 2016

#13

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Jun 18, 2016 #14

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vaidehi71 said: ↑

Mami,

Really heart wrenching story, same goes to my parents and my situation. Am I to blame or what is to be done now and for future, is still nagging me. I am yet to find some solution to this situation. I am feeling responsible for their future and at the same time have no concrete solution to this at this moment.
I have just left what future holds as something to tackle at that moment. Sorry sailing in the same boat without any answers.

Take care,
Vaidehi
Click to expand...

Dear Vaidehi,Things will get sorted out.Now concentrate on your profession and children.Too much brooding over will never help.Cross the bridge when you come to it. Jayadsala42

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

#14

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Jun 18, 2016 #15

GoogleGlass IL Hall of Fame

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The best way to get rid of pain is to talk to some one close or if none around, write it and to a great extent a relief will be there. The mom could have just done that and would not have even thought of passing on to children.

GoogleGlass, Jun 18, 2016

GoogleGlass, Jun 18, 2016

#15

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Jun 18, 2016 #16

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Dear Jayasala mam
It's hard foraging parents to live by themselves at old age. I don't have both my parents but if situation arose when my dad was to be taken care I was ready to pack and go back to take care of him irrespective of all the adjustments my family would have to go through. As Other posters mentioned if the children were raised with love they will look after the parents no matter what. I don't agree taking the children through a guilt trip. Don't know what strained relationship the mother who wrote the letter she had with her children. As a mother I would never write something like this to my children

Last edited: Jun 18, 2016

jskls, Jun 18, 2016

jskls, Jun 18, 2016

#16

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Jun 18, 2016 #17

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Viswamitra said: ↑

Dear Smt. Jayasala:

It is very painful to read that letter looking at the point of view of the ailing and aged mother. In some situations, adult children might force mothers to stay in India to avoid additional medical costs and in most situations, it is the mothers who have significant attachment to the homeland and the home in which the husband lived. Despite repeated request to migrate to the US, it is difficult for the mothers to move away from the environment that they are so familiar with. I feel it is the loneliness that kills more than anything else. I have no doubts that the adult children should understand their responsibilities to take very good care of the mothers either by arranging someone to look after the mothers or by mutual consent move them to an old-age home where they find similar aged people as company.

But, it is my honest opinion that a mother who taught their children how to love the parents would never have to write such a letter. Moreover, the mothers would understand their adult children's responsibility towards their children as well.

The world has become a global village and more and more people are going to face that situation. Someone like me who have lived for more than 20 years is planning to return to India after 4-5 years and will have to lead a life on our own. If something happens to one of the spouses, the other will have to be alone and will have to face any eventuality alone. We can't expect our son who is raised in the US to think of migrating to India to look after us.

My mother is ailing and aged and I have my brother who resides in our parent's house. But she keeps telling me how she has been mistreated every time I meet her. Whenever I interfere, the situation becomes worse for my mother and therefore, she stopped telling me her ordeals now. She is afraid, me being in the US, if my brother doesn't look after her, she would be in trouble. My role is now restricted to just confine myself to her room when I visit her and patiently listen to her pains and sufferings.

At least, I am able to take very good care of my mother-in-law who was left alone when my FIL died two years ago. She listened to me and agreed to move to the US to stay with us as my wife is the only child for her. She showers her love to me and I find a great sense of fulfillment as though I am looking after my mother.

I also recall the wonderful child-age experiences from time to time to feel connected with the family. I lost my father who was the greatest inspiration in my life when I was 33 and there isn't day pass by without me thinking about his wonderful qualities.

Viswa
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Dear Viswa, .Thank you very much for your analytical response.I too feel that a mother who is said to be well educated and selfstanding should have full confidence in her children.It is rather a harsh letter.Even if she is not happy with the attitude of children she would have created some circumstances to sell the house and silently moved into a senior citizen's home. . BUT even the attitude of matured women changes as she advances in age and health deteriorates. We can't deny alsothat there are problems associated with getting green cards and getting birth cert or non availability cert from states like Kerala is tiresome especially for those born before1947. My husband requires frequent check ups with neuro specialists for his brain injury and he cannot change the medicines which he is taking for 28 years.At the most we canvisit our children for a few months and permanent stay is totally ruled out.In casesituation arises when we are unable to take care of ourselves,definitely senior citizens' home is the only choice. . For pensioners this may not be much taxing.But Those who are financially dependent on children this is a great task.Children with the education commitment,Job insecurity etc may not be Able to extend the needed support.In a country like India where social security schemes are a myth,this is going to be a great problem. Any social change will have problems for nearly 75 years.Now problem is faced mostly by parents with lesser number of childrenMy.sil has 5 children .Two are in India.When this topic comes for discussion such people pass sarcastic remarks"who prevented you from.getting more children" If a single son is married to a single daughter then also there are problems.Normally in our society girl's parents never prefer to stay with sison in lawl.Viswa.you are really great you are taking care of your mil who has agreed to stay with you.In some families that is impossible if two sambandhis do not have proper understanding.It is also difficult to take careof4 aged people at a time.with increasing longevity this situation cannot be ruled out. Whether anyone blamed or not our sons and daughters feel highly guilty-which cannot be avoided until a total change in the mindset takes place. Jayasala42

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

#17

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Jun 18, 2016 #18

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Viswamitra said: ↑

Dear Smt. Jayasala:

It is very painful to read that letter looking at the point of view of the ailing and aged mother. In some situations, adult children might force mothers to stay in India to avoid additional medical costs and in most situations, it is the mothers who have significant attachment to the homeland and the home in which the husband lived. Despite repeated request to migrate to the US, it is difficult for the mothers to move away from the environment that they are so familiar with. I feel it is the loneliness that kills more than anything else. I have no doubts that the adult children should understand their responsibilities to take very good care of the mothers either by arranging someone to look after the mothers or by mutual consent move them to an old-age home where they find similar aged people as company.

But, it is my honest opinion that a mother who taught their children how to love the parents would never have to write such a letter. Moreover, the mothers would understand their adult children's responsibility towards their children as well.

The world has become a global village and more and more people are going to face that situation. Someone like me who have lived for more than 20 years is planning to return to India after 4-5 years and will have to lead a life on our own. If something happens to one of the spouses, the other will have to be alone and will have to face any eventuality alone. We can't expect our son who is raised in the US to think of migrating to India to look after us.

My mother is ailing and aged and I have my brother who resides in our parent's house. But she keeps telling me how she has been mistreated every time I meet her. Whenever I interfere, the situation becomes worse for my mother and therefore, she stopped telling me her ordeals now. She is afraid, me being in the US, if my brother doesn't look after her, she would be in trouble. My role is now restricted to just confine myself to her room when I visit her and patiently listen to her pains and sufferings.

At least, I am able to take very good care of my mother-in-law who was left alone when my FIL died two years ago. She listened to me and agreed to move to the US to stay with us as my wife is the only child for her. She showers her love to me and I find a great sense of fulfillment as though I am looking after my mother.

I also recall the wonderful child-age experiences from time to time to feel connected with the family. I lost my father who was the greatest inspiration in my life when I was 33 and there isn't day pass by without me thinking about his wonderful qualities.

Viswa
Click to expand...

Y

shyamala1234 said: ↑

Dear JS madam,
What all you wrote is correct to some extent. But there is no perfect answer to it. We cannot blame neither the parents nor the children who have their busy lives. No perfect solution. We cannot generalize also....varies from family to family and every famiy's circumstances are different. But one thing I believe is that parents love children and vice versa...whatever may be the circumstances. Not only abroad even if they are living in the same country same is the case....only difference is they can visit often. I was reading A Telugu story " Drawing room parents"....Parents come to live with their children in a city. Two bedrooms. Two children. Parents have to sleep in the drawing room. No room for their things and no privacy(even they need privacy to talk at least). Son cannot afford a bigger house. They prefer to go back to their village to their own house with all the neighbours, everyone knows everyone. Now both parents and children visit each other often and are perfectly happy.
So, we have to think...each family is different.
Syamala
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Dear Syamala, Your reply is well thought out and applies well to common sense.Yes.,each family is different and no single solution can be suggested and has to be dealt with on case to case basis.Thank you Syamala. Jayasala42

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

#18

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Jun 18, 2016 #19

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joylokhi said: ↑

Dear Jayasala maam,
A truly soulful letter and it does feel heartless of the children to not even respond to the emotions of the
ailing mother.
Only recently, we(husband and self) have joined the group of numerous parents whose children are settled
abroad and have decided to stay on independently in our home here.
As u say, till around 70s or so it may not be a problem to handle our maintenance and lives ourselves provided no unforeseen illness or such strikes. Personally i feel this independence is required for us, and although we may be comfortable visiting, definitely an indefinite stay is impossible.
Such being the situation in many cases, i feel , after a certain age when the parents feel they are too old (irrespective of actual age) to handle their affairs themselves, it is safer always to move to an old age home or if it can be afforded, move to a retirement community where everything including food/medical issues are taken care of and at the same time, can have your own space. It is surely dangerous to stay alone knowing that one is ill and cannot manage. It places unnecessary burden of guilt on the children also. In today's competitive world it is only fair to let children decide their stay etc based on their career needs instead of making them feel guilty. A naturally caring child will automatically do what is possible for his or her parents without asking for it. In my opinion financially independant parents should allow their children their freedom and be there for them when needed. It is only in cases where financial and physical dependence is there,
the problem arises and if there was mutual love and understanding throughout their upbringing, the same would follow in later years also.
Click to expand...

Dear Joylokhi, Thank you for your reply.I admire your decision of living and letting live so that there may not be any thin clevage in family relations.But all parents may not be fortunate enough to be financially independent.Their situation will be entirely critical jayasala 42

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

#19

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Jun 18, 2016 #20

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magician said: ↑

If you have ( or are) NRI children, there are organisations that provide helpers and physical assistance to the elders in your home.
Although emotional support is something you might not get there. If parents are in mid fifties, sixties and in good health.... A Labrador or retriever can become a loyal friend. In fact, in elderly homes in Japan, dogs are the most loved companions.
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Thank you magician.What you say is true.Even normal people find it difficult to maintain Labrador.How these old people with walkers can take care of them? . Jayasala42

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

jayasala42, Jun 18, 2016

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