Old MIL and a young DIL relation... Are we somewhere forgetting humanity

The dil's behavior is rather intriguing to me.Does she have a history of ill treating/abandoning the mil when she is not well.It looks strange specially since they have been living under the same roof.
Why leave for one week and then come back?Is it possible that she thought it was contagious and she needed to take her children to a safer place?Is it possible she came back once she was assured of the problem not being contagious.(That still does not excuse her abandoning her.She could have dropped them and come back).

As for the husband's reaction.....If the mom is in the hospital and on drips because she is not eating as she is upset....his reaction is not unexpected. It is a bit too much to stop eating because you are emotionally hurt...it is irresponsible. Old people can be pretty stubborn in old age and can drive people up the wall.......Any one would feel frustrated at such behavior....specially when it is the parent.

Anyways...hope the poor granny gets better and forgives her son and dil and they live happily ever after.

 

I feel sorry for the MIL. Karma catches up. I don't wish anything bad on the DIL but her kids are watching what their parents are doing. I am sure it will be too easy for the kids to do the same.

 

Son in laws in this country are not expected to look after their in laws rexxar. If they do...they are considered next to God.

Forget son in law ...forget dil....It is one thing to throw a tantrum,it is another to not eat and put your health at risk. If my mother stopped eating because she was hurt by some one's action....she would get a mouth ful from me and more. Old people are not like children .You can't lift them and make them stand in a corner....you can't threaten them and force feed them....because they won't forget it like children...the world won't let you forget it. It is not easy to deal with old people's tantrums.....you can end up pulling your hair out.

I know because I have a mom who is a hypochondriac....takes unnecessary medicines and feels not cared for and hurt, if you try and stop her. Her tantrums leave me more exhausted than the tantrums of my two daughters ever did.

 

I know similar kinda story for one of my closed relative to who I saw from childhood. She struggled in his life, just to give a good life to sons (even not daughters) not those sons are treating her like football..they say they do not have time to go to Dr..other one should do. Other one says, I will not get leave, elder one should do. Elder one says I do not have money to spend and poor lady is still waiting to go to a DR . Her DILs don't want to put her in home saying she is doing drama she is not a sick (Looks like she is getting urine sensation and in few instance she peed in her Saree. Per Dr, it's because of her age and she needs a good treatment from Urologist., her sons are not ready to go to Dr). When I heard this I couldn't stop my tears.

I don't want to blame on her DILs but will say it's her son's fault. She is their mother and they are responsible to take care of her.

 

Very well said!
I am more with you than with other posters on this. It is primarily the son's fault and if the elderly woman had other children, it's their fault.
It's a very sad story - Son(s) were nowhere to be seen taking the responsibility. DIL was opportunistic as far as taking help from MIL was concerned but left her in the lurch when the time to repay came. Not blaming her for going to her parents' place for one week, but then for forcing the old woman to cook her own food even when she was back. She should have hired a nurse or a cook for the old woman.

I know of a case where a woman had some infection in her leg and it was so swollen that she could hardly walk or do the daily ablutions on her own. She was staying with her younger daughter whom I really appreciated for taking the trouble to take her to the hospital etc. But then the woman's elder daughter would also visit her from 50-60 kms away every 2-3 days (both daughters were working and married, younger daughter's hubby was abroad) to help whenever the younger daughter had extra work in office. Both the sons-in-law were nowhere to be seen, one because he was abroad, and another for reasons best known to him. Nobody blamed the sons-in-law for anything.

I think we as a society are so patriarchal that we will point the first finger towards the DIL, a woman who was neither borne nor reared up in that family, whenever an elderly having a son is not cared for!!! However we absolve the son-in-law as well as the son of the primary duty, primary responsibility and primary guilt.

If two married daughters can take care of the mother all by themselves, can't see why men can't take care of their parents. All my aunts(blood relatives) have taken very good care of their PILs esp FILs (though I think it was the aunts' husbands' primary duty to take care) with severe impact on their health 100% of the time. And why so ? Because these uncles of mine(not blood relatives) didn't have the courage to tell their brothers that even those brothers had the duty to take care. So, in the end, the person to take care was neither the one who was born nor reared by the cared person. I also know that all these aunts of mine are not going to live long and certainly not like their PILs.

What an unequal society, all because women themselves don't have the sense of equality and are ready to absolve the men of the primary guilt but will denigrate and shoot down the women in question!

To answer your headline question - old MIL and young DIL is not the only relationship combo we need to care for or worry about, there are old MIL and young SnIL as well! If humanity is not questioned when SnILs behave like his PILs don't exist, can't give too much importance to the other relationship combo as well. As for forgetting humanity, there are three points worthy of note:
1.) For some it is like an opportunity for retribution, I was humiliated or tortured as a DIL so I shall ignore my PILs in old age
2.) For some it is like a power-game, whoever is the stronger of the two will over-power and trample the weaker person
3.) Any social system that is unsustainable will not survive for long and will give way to a more sustainable system........for centuries parents of sons had an advantage only because they gave birth to one or more sons. People should have an advantage because of their hard work, merit, good behaviour and not due to freak chance of X-X or X-Y chromosome meeting. Thankfully, not anymore!

I'm going to worry about the humanity angle only as much as we worry when it is the case of girls' parents being left alone to fend for themselves!!!

 

PD!!! Why would anyone "blame" the sons in law for anything. They have been so liberal that they have "allowed" the daughters (their wives) to work !!! And they are so kind to their inlaws because they have "allowed" the daughters to travel 50-60kms to take care of their mom - when they could have been taking care of their own home !!! Who's cooking and cleaning and taking care of their homes and their sons and parents while their wives are frolicking about and taking care of the mother ???? These are really un-selfish sons-in-law!!!

 

Absolutely, even aunty thought so - "my SnIL is so good, he lets my daughter visit me in time of need" as if the daughter were her SnIL's private property. I was close to the younger daughter so I know what she and her mother thought. I mean, when it is the girls' parents they are contented people and always thank the Almighty for whatever they get, but when it is the boys' parents, they are never contented and instead of blaming their own blood, will blame the DIL - so out of the four different entities "son daughter DIL SnIL" they will blame only the DIL!
Such is life!

 

Really painful to hear. My heart goes out to the old woman. The problems of old age are very difficult to understand or resolve.

Often the elderly start acting peevish, keep complaining about little things as they start ageing. The children find this hard to deal with and assume that they are trying to make life difficult for them. With this as the background, when they start losing control over their bowels and bladder, it becomes very hard for the children to understand initially. Shock, lack of comprehension about what is going on, irritation at suddenly having to deal with such things on top of their existing routines. The natural human reaction is to get irritated and upset.

It is only when this goes on say for a week or so, people sit up, realize they need to take the old person to the doctor. In this case it is a real shame that the two sons are unwilling to even take their mother to a doctor. Why blame the dil? She is the one who is going to have to deal with all the associated problems while the sons just get away.

Depending on their relationship with the mil, the dils might take time to even register that there is a real problem and it is not just some drama the old woman is putting on.

 

Very sad story. And shame on the SON for not taking care of his mother.

Not sure why only the DIL is blamed? Never saw any blame for the son. If it was the DIL's mother, do you think the son would have bend backwards to take care of her?

 

It is but obvious that the son in this case is primarily & unquestionably at fault. But he's certainly not exclusively at fault. How can the DIL in this case be absolved of any wrong doing? If her husband is cold & insensitive towards his own mother, does that also justify her cold & callous behavior? Just because she's not born to her MIL, is she exempt from all responsibilities towards the extremely aged MIL and then subject her to inhuman living conditions like no fan, no tv, no washing machine, asking an 85 year old to cook & fend for herself? I don't think many regular families have hit that plane yet.

To me it's astonishing how almost every thread here is invariably steered away from the specific particulars of an individual case and turned into a generic MIL vs DIL's mother and Son vs Son-in-Law analogy. It may not be applicable in every case.