Old Age Home? Have a heart!

Viswamitra · Feb 28, 2012

Dear Cheeniya Sir,

I truly enjoyed reading this blog as you have thought through all aspects of life. You are absolutely right. Those who could afford to keep their mom with them, should do so. Those who do not have the opportunity, could possibly live them at an old age home provided they spend enough time to call them and/or have some people visiting them regularly.

I have an interesting case study for you below:

My friend has an elder brother with whom their mother lives in India and my friend is settled overseas. My friend's brother married a girl from his mother's family hoping that she would be considerate because of the relationship with his mom. Unfortunately, it did not work out that way. However, my friend married a girl from outside of the family and she is the only child for her parents. She struggled a lot to be in good books with her motherinlaw but with no luck. His mother hated my friend's wife forever. However, she did not give up and still continued to build good relationship by asking my friend to be helpful to his mom.

Recently, my friend's mom became immobile and his brother was not giving any treatment for her. My friend visited India recently and arranged for her to get some treatment. But his brother stopped all of that as soon as he left. Seeing her situation, my friend offered her to move to an old age home where she could be provided good medical attention. He was willing to pay all the costs associated with it and also promised to call her every day. However, his mom refused it choosing to be with her eldest son. But now she complains about the eldest son not giving enough care for her. My friend is struggling without knowing what to do.

In this situation, I really do not know what I can constructively suggest to him. I feel his mom living in an old age home under good medical care is better than her living with my friend's brother.

What are your thoughts in this situation?

Cheeniya · Mar 1, 2012

Dear Viswa
I have never faced this predicament of having to leave my mother at an old age home. That would have made her feel devastated. Her weekly intake of food was about what her children would consume in a day. Filling of her stomach was no more her concern as much as the filling of her heart in the company of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. I can only thank God to have kept me in a position where I could keep her happy and peaceful till her very last day.

The old people of the older generations have all this single desire to be with their family. They would subject themselves to all kinds of indignities in return for the joy of being with their children and grandchildren. Your friend's mother falls into this category. Your friend's brother may be thinking that while his younger brother is having a whale of a time abroad without a care in the world, he is stuck with an old and infirm mother. Monetary compensations may not douse this rage in him and if he has a wife who can fan the fire into an inferno, the situation will get worse.

From what you narrate to me, I see that your friend's mother values being with her son a lot more than the comfort of an old age home. This is a mind set that cannot be easily changed. Possibly your friend can jack up the financial assistance to his brother and see if it makes him happy. How can we push a mother into an old age home much against her wish? If money can buy peace, so be it!
Sri

kelly1966 · Mar 2, 2012

Cheeniya..
I just stumbled in here and am clean bowled reading all the replies and your views etc.... whilst reading this thread I swayed several times from my initial staunch stand of old age homes being a the change that is required in our society to maybe all we need is a bit of adjustment on all sides... back and forth..
though I truly yet believe that raising kids doesn't mean that we are securing our future I surely advocate having grandparents around does help the growth of a child.. however if there are constant squabbles then its best each stays at an amicable distance from the other..
for many who don't reside in the same city as their parents like me for instance .. (my mom refuses to leave her home an go anywhere) we worry alot for our parents wellbeing but can only make periodic visits and send money so that they are comfortable. My MIL visits us for 3-4 months every year and though now we have cordial relationship I'm sure if it ever came to ever having her stay in an old age home and bringing her my home I would never forgive myself if I did the former... even though I know life will be hell.. but I really don't mind retiring into a home .. or a community where old people are taken care of .. maybe a small cottage on rent with my dog.
confused yet
Kerman

Cheeniya · Mar 2, 2012

Dear Kerman
The greatest difficulty here is how do you transmit your views to your previous generation. They grew in a society in which values were totally dependent. They were used to seeing how their patriarch held complete sway over the family. Everything centered around him and no one dared go near him save perhaps his grandchildren. Acute prejudices were rampant, the favoured ones getting better treatment. It is only natural that they long for a similar position in the family when they became aged. It is not possible for them to reconcile or adjust to the changing scenario.

That generation is slowly vanishing. The new breed of retired people certainly knows what to expect. Even before their children moot the idea of old age home, they would voluntary opt for it. Hopefully, this will not be a tussle anymore and become extinct in may be a decade or two. Until this happens, we have no choice but to let the old parents to hang around if that is their wish.
Sri

shyamala1234 · Mar 3, 2012

A heavy topic. I belong to the school of thought parents are to be taken care of...some practical difficulties may be there in dealing with them, but still they have to take care of them. Aren't we coping with rude, unruly children and all sorts of people around us? Are we driving them away? No. Those who go voluntarily to old age homes on their own...fine. But nobody should be forced to go by making their living hell.Even in the era of family spread over the whole world some amiable arrangement can be made and the bondage should be forever.We took care of both our parents and parents in law till they departed this world. No excuses for not taking care.

Cheeniya · Mar 3, 2012

Dear shymala
That's a very valid point you have made there. What the parents do for the children is mostly a one way journey. The children never feel inclined to reciprocate the love and affection of their parents.
This is a touching story of a father and son:
A touching story of an Old man, his son and a sparrow - YouTube

I agree that there is no excuse for taking care but the clash starts only when the parents insist on being taken care in a particular fashion.
Sri

Anisu · Mar 14, 2012

Dear Sir,

I also believe that whatever the case may be we should never send the parents to old age homes. We have to overcome all the challenges and make them stay with us....thats what my parents have done and we have saw them taking care ...

Infact i tell the same to my relatives as well...and thankfully no one has gone to a old age home ...

But I have seen some cases wherein the elders ...I mean Grandparents poking nose in every single matter of their children ....nagging the DIL's day in and day out ....pulling out old stories which has happened ages back and start a fight ..and trying to boss over grand children and children in every possible situation....and still expect their children to take care of them else bad mouth them or curse them ....

When will such senior citizens change ?

Cheeniya · Mar 15, 2012

Dear Anisu
I agree that ideally old parents should be kept happy and contented in their own familiar surroundings. Having said that, it is possible that not all those who keep their parents with them keep them happy and comfortable. I have seen extreme cases where parents are kept at the outer confines and are not allowed access to the interior. I also know a few who cannot keep their parents with them due to circumstances beyond their control. I have seen how they pine for their parents and think of nothing else except the welfare of their parents.

I agree with you that there are grandparents who can be very nosy causing all round inconvenience. If some way can be found to make them feel important, they may not meddle with the family matters. I am a grandfather. My daughters make me feel so important that I don't even know where my nose is!
Sri