Odd Situation Need Help

I agree with @Rihana . Tell your hubby that you are okay granting access to both mothers but its their 100% responsibility to do the incedentals like pantry inventory management and cleaning.

If your mil indeed doesnt like cooking and prefers eating, she may be not proficient in managing the kitchen well. Once your husband starts getting requests for groceries on odd days/hours and needs to step in to do the dishes and clean the kitchen, never again (hopefully) will he utter a word about it.

 

Hi @Needhelp01

My sympathies to you. A flavor of this happens at my home too. Here is what I have observed and I want you to know that this is not something unique but a consistent pattern that happens across many homes. There is something about a wife's parents treating both parties well thats triggering to the husband folk.

Perfectly reasonable adults and matured professional men suddenly transform into 7-year old mama's-boy fighting for justice from a distance and want to pick silly Tu Tu Main Main fights like they do in a playground. You did not do this to my momma but you are doing this with your momma. Thats not fair. Thats not equal, lets draw the line in the middle and split everything fair and share on both sides or I'm going to flail my arms, stomp my feet and cry wolf.

1. They observe an overall increase in the happiness and harmony and lowering of stress-levels in the household when the wife's parents visit. The "stranger boy" gets treated royally like their boy and naturally their own girl gets pampered as well. Either they are completely oblivious or choose to conveniently ignore or forget the way the madam-in-law treats the dil vs son. This makes them feel resentful and grumpy in a childish way and rue the loss of this degree of harmony when "their own" momma visited. This is a fact we have to deal with.

2. The other feeling they have is guilt. They feel guilty about enjoying their MIL's food and good treatment. Its too good to be true but the guilt gnaws at the soul, what to do. My husband has more similarities to my parents than to his own parents in-terms of food habits and other things. But he would deliberately throw tantrums and differentiate himself in silly ways when my parents would treat the two of us as their two children who need support and pamper both of us. The guilt some of these mommas-boys carry is real.

3. There is also search and recall happening somewhere in the background. Perhaps your MIL like mine would have detailed one-on-one meetings with the husband about her "feelings" either while they were visiting or in the present times via whatsapp. This back-side keying is a real thing. Sometimes we women have too much decency and self-esteem to peek or even interfere in these private moments let alone haggle or ask for details but some MILs on the other hand have been trained on years of mega-serial episodes to nail these conversations.

4. The other problem is territory. Mommy comes and lives like a stranger/guest depending on which way you see it in my own house and I'm the man of the house. But MIL comes and quickly takes over the kitchen, cooking dishes, washing vessels, laundry is done, grandchildren are entertained and this is my bloody house dammit. My wife becomes an unrecognizably silent and (exhausted ?), cold and distant person (not even available to me ?) when mommy comes but now she is laughing, eating and being merry (perhaps again not being available to me ?), why were all these social graces not extended to my parents and why should I be nice and cooperative to her perfectly decent parents ? I can also be a monster. I need to be a monster. This is their way of compensating for that feeling, establishing "fair" and "equal" boundaries so that they can assert their territory.

No amount of showing the day-night disparity in treatment made any difference to my otherwise logical husband. For sometime he was just not able to accept that his mom could do this at all. Then I stopped comparing, contrasting and complaining but he saw the treatment first hand multiple times. I could see it on his face and it particularly hurt a lot when this disparity showed in the treatment of his kids vs SIL's kids. But whats a momma's boy supposed to do ?

IMHO, any husband who asks for fair and square between two sets of parents is living in la-la land. Sorry I have a diagnosis but no solution. You have to find ways to cope with this intelligently knowing what's perhaps going on and also kind of patiently wait for him to grow up.

 

Why are you spoiling your present - you are free from kitchen chores, spend time with your DH and enjoy !!
Just say "OK, you are right" whenever he starts discussing this - then say "I love you" (or your love language)
Keep repeating it, make him laugh and change the topic...

Deal with it when your MIL actually comes over. And at that time, if she doesnt want to do any cooking, let MIL tell her son that she doesnt want to do it!
Or make a list of his favourite items, get the ingredients and give her a chance to make it. If she still doesnt make them, state to your DH that you have tried your best!
You continue trying (Or at least show your DH that you are trying every time)

Why are you responding to his fight ?

They will not understand the explanations and arguments and logic at all here - so dont waste your energy explaining - and allow "time" to teach them the reality

 

+1K to what @hrastro said : Use this precious time to bond with your husband so that he has less of those queasy feelings. This leisure and pampering from your mom won't last forever.

Don't try to win useless arguments and battles. Good luck and have fun.