1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Nuclear and joint family system

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by PushpavalliSrinivasan, Mar 15, 2007.

  1. PushpavalliSrinivasan

    PushpavalliSrinivasan IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,665
    Likes Received:
    3,679
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Female
    Nowadays joint family system is at its death bed. Youngsters prefer nuclear families. Old age homes are growing. Is it because of generation gap or due to the cultural change?
     
    Loading...

  2. Abha

    Abha Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    509
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey pushpa

    i would say that nuclear family system is growing not because of generation gap and neither cos of cultural change, its might be cos of other constraints, like pursuing a career... a man mite have to live in a different city, to pursue his career as his native city is not able to offer him those oppurtnities that the other city has...

    But this doesnt mean that he cares less for his family. in fact i feel these days children have become even more considerate, the era has started again where children do care, think and miss their parents. they mite not show it, as it makes them less hip, if they cry or say i love u to their parents :) . but inside they care as much as any other child...

    parents cant leave their native city to be with their children, as they have other attachments like their old house, or old neighbours and they actually are more happy there, being amongst their people... they do miss their children very much...

    But as they age more and more, it is definitely the children's responsibility to take care of them, that is when they come in picture and that is their testing time... its the time to take care of them, as they took care of you when you were small, as the old people are like small children...

    we have seen our parents taking care of our grand parents till the death bed, doing all the chores, wich means everything... and i pray to god to give me the power to be the same to my parents in law and parents when they need me. i can say this for myself, but cant say for sure for my children... and i hope iam able to inculcate the same values in them as they did in me...

    and i still feel that joint family system has many advantages, it gives you a sense of belonging... and children learn to be more tolerant in life of people and situations... staying in the same house with 5 other different individuals helps you to learn more about different kind of attitutes and nature of people.


    Take care
    ~Abha
     
  3. PushpavalliSrinivasan

    PushpavalliSrinivasan IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,665
    Likes Received:
    3,679
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Vibha,
    I do agree with you the reasons you had quoted for nuclear families. But we have seen that children who are staying in the same city do prefer to live separately. I had seen so many families like that. Nowadays girls have no tolerance and patience and for small matters they get agitated. There are always exceptions, but by and large, even most of the girls' parents also wish that their daughters should go for thani kudithanam.
    As for our family, I had kept my mil with me from the time I got married until her death. Though she was bed ridden for some years, we had looked after her and my children also never lagged behind. We had been roll models for our children and they are very much attached to us. By the Grace of God my dils also were buought up by their parents in the same way.
    With love,
    Pushpavalli Srinivasan


     
  4. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,610
    Likes Received:
    81
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Pushpa

    Why should we say that nowadays girls have no tolerance or patience? Why can't we say the same thing about the MILs?There are many instances where the girl is very patient and tolerant but the MIL/FIL always find fault with anything she does.In such a scenario,how can the family stay together.Isn't it better for them to stay in the same city in different houses and maintain whatever little is left of that relationship?
     
  5. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    23,654
    Likes Received:
    27,156
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    hi,

    great topic. I agree that the joint family system is on the death bed. why???

    1. Intolerance in human beings (forget mil/dil). ego's we dont want to leave the ego out of the house. We have become more materialistic, that is the main reason.
    2. The mil forgets she was the dil of the same family before she became the mil. (Sans a few of them) and makes problems.
    3. the dil thinks the husband is her sole property, the moment she gets married,she does not want to share, forgetting that the husband did not fall from the sky. has been born, brought up in the family for say 25-30 years.
    At the same time, the same dil, cannot accept if her own brother's wife does the same. (why two different reactions to the same problem god knows.:oops: )
    4.The girl's parents also at fault. they feel, my daughter is also educated, earns so she can have her way. (sorry to say but i know of families where the condition in marriage is they want to stay away from the families here in-laws family.)
    5. I should not point out, but having been abroad for 5 -6 years i know the moment a person wants to bring the parents it is always that of the girl. (I will exclude in case of delivery/pregnancy where it is natural.)
    6. the media depicts a bad picture of joint family. i think if they show it positive, it would really help.
    I will not say all dil/mil are bad. The advantages of joint family is countless. in the era of one child, if they are in the joint family the children do get a good bonding with the cousins. they learn more values from the grand parents. They are always there for the kids.

    I have been in a joint family. yes there are lot of problems. but there are certain advantages which we cannot rule out. maybe today's working parents, want to come back into the joint family system. the only problem is that they do not want any interference in their space. if the parents/children just find a in between by being together, but not interfering and just being there for each other, the joint family system could work. (This is after the marriage)

    My 2 cents.

    love shanthi.
     
  6. subbi

    subbi New IL'ite

    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    HI EVERY BODY
    i agree with smt shanvy.reasonably educated mil can help her dil and accomadative in many issues,. Present day dil are so manipulative it is difficult for the parents of the boy to manage with such girls. parents having financial
    stablity try avoiding staying with children to deal with any ugly situations.
    with regards
    subbi
    :bangcomp:
     
  7. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,783
    Likes Received:
    56
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    This is a very good thread.

    Today everyone want their own convenience and space. Some are ready to live in a joint family, but say i don't want any interference and i need my space. But if you are in a joint family this is not always possible as some sort of bonding does develop and if anyone errs it is the responsibility of the other family members to correct the erring person. Many a times i have seen the elders taking wrong decisions and the son or DIL has to bring it to their notice.

    Joint family has the following pros:

    - continuous companionship (if a spouse is away from home other family members are there)
    - during illness someone is constantly besides you.
    - economically viable
    - security
    - if both are working....kids are taken care of
    and many more...

    To get something you need to forgo somethings

    For nine years i was in a joint family...now because my husband's company has shifted we had to move to another city. Hopefully my in-laws will be joining us in a year or two. I can only say that patience and the letgo attitude that we had helped us to tide over all difficulties and last but not the least the faith in the almighty gave us the strength to fight all odds.

    Roopa.
     
  8. malarvp

    malarvp New IL'ite

    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm not new to IL. I have been reading IL for few months now, but my first post.

    I agree to Shanvy in every other point, but want to add something to 3. the dil thinks the husband is her whole property, I agree husband can't be a whole property, but have you thought the other way round. husband thinks wife(dil) is the whole property of him and his family. the girl should forget about her own family where she has grown for like 25-30yrs. haven't anyone experienced this? i hv seen many families where the guy wants the girl to look at MIL/DIL as her own parents and he won't look up the same way with his MIL/DIL. he will and can show his maapillai murukku to his in-laws:evil: , how old they are. also helping the girl's side is another problem. the guy can help his brother/sister like anything, but when it comes to helping the girl's side he turns his face off. Also the guy's mother wants the guy to help his sister/brother not his sister-in-law or brother-in-law. i hv many friends and hv seen problems relating to what I have mentioned.

    hope some of here would have experienced these kind of issues.

    Regards,
    Malar


     
  9. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,320
    Likes Received:
    7,222
    Trophy Points:
    545
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,
    There are both good and bad MIL/DILs.
    There are cases where MIL is dominating and in few cases DIL is dominating.
    WIth respect to siblings and their families staying under one roof is reducing, their might be many reasons...
    The main reasons for Nuclear family system is people are becoming more individuals, independent, self - centered.
    There are so many advantage of joint family system if everybody in the family wants to compromise on certain things, but ego, money, jealous makes people to be separated.


    ~Punitha
     
  10. GPriya

    GPriya Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    302
    Likes Received:
    34
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Ladies,

    There are always PROs and CONs for both system..

    In my humble opinion, Younger generation girls are not generous in any way and older generation is too mean, silly and not very magnonimous and as someone said not going inwards for their age and experience.

    To quote an example, within my family a new DIL who is an MCA and working for MNC, making good money (as is the current norm) can't spend even few rupees (less than 100) to buy some fruits to visit an 80+ grand mother and she calculates even that money, whereas she wants to be treated by the same grandmother with good food and snacks for the whole day though she came to visit grandma empty handed everytime.
    Another girl, my cousin who is also a software engr, can't spare even a penny to gift her parents for wedding day or to buy few flowers for an older sumangali lady in the family when she visits them but she has to eat for 3 times and spend a day with them.
    I have seen many girls and guys withing our and other families that the younger generation is wasting lot of money on worthless things but when it comes to real value for the money, they just don't have the heart to spend.

    As for older generation, as I read somewhere (couldn't remember) the increase in oldage homes is mainly because of the dowry issue. When a parent goes to fix a wedding for their son, the first and foremost issue they raise is what would you do for your daughter... So given the impression that money rules the married life, what kind of respect/relationship the oldies get from a new DIL. So after getting all the dowry, grand marriage etc., suddenly the the inlaws want the new dil to be very affectionate, cooperative, polite, compassionate, generous, understanding etc., from day ONE. How is it possible. If the oldies demonstrate all the above qualities towards the new DIL, then the question of nuclear family will never arise and there is a greater chance of everybody getting along well without the barrier of MONEY.

    I have also seen families where MIL and DIL get along well mainly bcos MIL and FIL are not greedy. So, the circumstances differ from family to family for the young couple to stay away from parents. Not only that, nowadays, the life style of youngsters are vastly different from the oldies and that causes friction too in a big way.

    The best way to deal with this issue is thro' LOVE, both should have love and acceptance and let go approach. No one should try to impose stuff on others so that every one can live happily ever after!!!!!!!!:yes:

    :mrgreen: Geeth Priya
     

Share This Page