Not able to adjust to US lifestyle -- please help !

Pman16

I am sorry for your woes, and I think your concerns are valid. But one thing struck me about your post, and that's although it's titled "Not able to adjust to US lifestyle", most, or it seems all, of your problems seem to stem from your husband standing in your way rather than the culture and lifestyle here in the US.

In other words, your frustrations seem to have their root in your having to submit to your husband's wishes, or put up with his habits, even where it directly concerns you. If you want to hire cleaners, that is your right, since I'll assume you are carrying out all of the domestic duties yourself. Similarly, is it the US medical system that is to blame for your concerns regarding healthcare, or your husband standing in the way of you consulting a doctor when you want to?

If finances are standing in the way of your husband helping you out there, then he has a duty to work together with you on solutions that take your needs into account even if you are on a tight budget. Whatever your financial situation, I think that if you feel a need to see a doctor, you should be free to see a doctor even if your husband disagrees (although why he would want to compromise the health of his wife or children is beyond me).

I don't have any easy solutions for you, but I hope my insight can give you a fresh look at what is REALLY causing your problems. I suspect that if you had more freedom to make your own decisions, be the master of your own destiny, and regain some control over your own life, you might not be so frustrated and you may be able to find ways to cope with living in the US. It is certainly true that adapting to life in a foreign country (especially one as different to India as the US is) can be difficult, but what makes life worth living no matter where you are is flexibility, adaptation, mutual respect, and equal rights in the marital partnership.

Your problems should be your husband's problems, and he should be working with you to solve your concerns instead of dismissing them or offering "solutions" that suit him but not you. I find it especially sad that you aren't even free to take up hobbies because your husband feels you need to devote all your time and attention to your children instead. If you do not pay attention to your needs as a human being, you will not be able to do your best as a wife and mother. Are you going to spend the next 18 years "on hold", waiting for your children to grow up, so you can then resume your own life?

Please stand up for yourself - talk to your husband about your concerns, and if he won't listen or change, then don't wait for his permission. You are a human being with rights, and you have the strength and power to get yourself out of this problematic situation you find yourself in without permission or validation from anyone else. Although it is good to respect your husband's wishes and work in consultation with him, if he is not extending these same courtesies to you, then the relationship is very one-sided and you are bound to feel anxious and frustrated.

Just as a cautionary note, please resist the urge to beat your children even if they are driving you crazy. There are ways and means to discipline children that do not involve physical punishment (Google or read a few parenting books). You could get into serious legal trouble if you hit your children here in the US. I hope you are able to resolve some of your concerns and adapt to living here in the near future.

 

Hello ,

Everything happens for a reason isnt ? If you have been here, then it is because of job , your husbands intrests, your kids growing period and so much more. What is there is any culture as far as you are with loved ones.

Dont get paranoid. Learn to understand the culture and try and live with them. It is not harmful. You are an adult and know what to stay away from and what to keep your kids away from isnt ? This would hav been regardless of which part of the earth you live in !

There is nothing worng with any culture on the whole. It s just about the ways certain people are.. Now, that can never be generalised. Dont we see kids in India or anywhere in the world getting into bad ways. It is all about what you teach the kids. To do that, you will have to learn it first too.
You think kids in India dont talk back to parents. I have, when i felt I was right. My parents never whacked me for talking back to them.. they just paused to hear wether I was right. Simple. Infact my parents have never whacked me.. Havent I grown up to be a sane adult ? You really dont have to beat a kid to make your point. It is all about parenting and not about the country. Sometimes, we may think a tight whack on the behind is important.. but there are other ways too !

When you want to celebrate a festival, ignore your husband and do not force him to do things according to you. Induce good habits into your kids instead.. Forget the older kid ! he is too old to be taught now.. FOr all you know he may start to learn from the kiddos ! You do your pooja.. it is not true that only when he gets up , has his shower and stands next to you with a teeka on his forehead that it is fstival. You do your chores and he will soon start to join you. Even if he doesnt.. you say your prayers.

About the medical emergency.. your husband is an adult isnt .. he knows when he needs medical help. It is obvious for us to get worried for, but he knows when he needs to flash his insurance card.. Now, had he not owned a health insurance at all then, it is a big concern. but not flashing it when a fever hits you is alright.

Dont crib about the culture.. it is about the way you are and way he is.. isnt ? Be it in India how do you know he would rush to your physician when he catches cold ? It neednt be so, isnt ? So, dont mother him. Just leave him to handle his health. You just do your best where you can ( by means of food and exercise ) . That is all.

How old are your kids ? You can always leave them at a daycare and take some time off.. There are very good ones for sure. Else get a baby sitter and take up a hobby.

You know, I have seen my cousins in India who have kids about 8 yrs old who will be busy playing PS3 , though they have nothing to do then, still they do not leave the kid with some friend or a nanny and go out with their husbands. They say, they dont mind sacrificing the whole thing. i dont understand what is there to sacrifice when the kiddo is all by himself and is taking care of him well. My cousin just sits at home watching some stupid saas-bahu serial and cribs later that she has nothing spicing her life ! I feel like whacking her !
Here, our friends dont mind to ask us wether they could leave the kid with us so that they can go salsa ! So, what ? I would love to have one kiddo annoying me with his WHYs ! and the mommy can take a break !

So, it is nothing to do with the country.. it is ALL IN YOUR MIND !!

 

Apart from good replies,just wanted to add my 2C

I think you might have lived in India before your marriage.The life is so different before and after marriage and especially with kids.
Your life no more same as pre marriage.So I am gussing here you might be confused totally with culture.
Your husband won't change being in US or in india.It's his life style.just ignore and procede with what you beleive.
Coming to kids,I know it's lot of work but we can do it.If possible join them in some mother's morning out in church's school they are not very expensive.Go out to book stores where some story time.I enjoy lot with kids's play dates.Where you can spend sometime with other mom's.
I know we feel little bit lonely but we can overcome that.
Not sure with medical but personally I don't have any issues.I am very comfortable with medical here.
I went to india when my elder was 4 months old and she has some health problem.We were to hospital and they have some untrained nurses and they were not able to get her vian to get the blood and I couldn't see her pain.But here I feel ,especially for kids very good and comfortable teatment.

Take Care.

 

Children don't learn lessons from being beat. The only thing they learn from that is to fear their parents. :hide: Like the other ladies said, there are much better options for disciplining kids.

Whether you are in U.S. India or on planet Mars, if your dh does not want to visit the doc then he will not! Just being in one place or the other won't change his mind. If he is stubborn in U.S. won't he also be stubborn in India? Even here people go for routine physicals and discuss their health. If your dh isn't already doing that, encourage him to get in the routine. On a general visit they will evaluate his lifestyle, check his heart, etc. At that time he can ask for specific tests to be done, for example if he thinks he might have high cholesterol they will do a blood test. Your dh is refusing to go but you blame it on the U.S. medical system... what? Doesn't make sense! :bonk U.S. medical system is available to all who choose to USE IT.

About your free time... I know one Iranian lady with a two year old boy. She is a stay at home mom, but even she needs free time too! So a couple of days a week the boy goes to daycare and she has some time to herself. In fact the little boy looks forward to it so much because on Friday's the icecream man comes to the center and they get icecream :clap. Instead of sitting at home alone all day, he is learning to interact with other children and become independent and she gets free time to pursue her hobbies! It's a win-win situation, and something you can easily adapt in your own life. :idea

I really agree with Ansuya and Preethi. Life can be good or bad no matter where you are, life is what we make of it! :yes:

 

pman16,
I fully understand your concern. Life in the US is so different when compared to what you have in India. You have no friends, relatives, domestic help or support.

The medical system in the US is completely different .However you can visit the doctor even for minor symptoms but its usually a waste of money.

I would suggest you try to get a job as things get little better if you start working. Things will be better soon.

 

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You have got some great suggestions from ASG and others, so I really don't have anything new to add.

But just want to re-state that it does look like a break from your normal routine would do you a world of good. You seem extremely stressed out and exhausted watching the kids 24/7 in addition to your other chores, etc. And perhaps, your stress is mortyfying your problems. So if you can figure a way to take some time off for 'yourself' during the day, please do so. As you rightly said, you need to pursue some hobby or interest apart from your daily routine and this will definitely help sustain your zeal for other daily activities. And I think you should clearly and firmly explain the importance of this to your husband. This, in addition to the medical concerns you need to discuss as pointed out by the others.

As for kids growing up in the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 /><st1:country-region><st1lace>US</st1lace></st1:country-region>, as all have rightly pointed out, a LOT also depends on what they are taught at home. Bad influence on kids by way of friends at school/ play can happen anywhere, not just in the <st1:country-region><st1lace>US</st1lace></st1:country-region>. And <st1:country-region><st1lace>India</st1lace></st1:country-region> is not immune to this either. So, it really is not country dependant. And if it is any consolation, my cousins who were born and brought up in the <st1:country-region><st1lace>US</st1lace></st1:country-region> have all turned out just fine from a vaue and moral perspective.

Also, in my opinion, your husband following/ not following rituals, etc is more his personal choice and has little bearing on the fact that he is in a different country. Maybe that is how he has always been? In my opinion, religion and associated rituals are very personal and each person should be allowed to practise it their own way. But if your husband's active participation in the festivities is really important to you, then you should tell him how important that is for you and how much it would mean to you. Maybe he would contribute more for your sake.

<?xml:namespace prefix = v /><v:shapetype id=_x0000_t75 coordsize = "21600,21600" oreferrelative = "t" o:spt = "75" filled = "f" stroked = "f" path = " m@4@5 l@4@11@9@11@9@5 xe"><v:stroke joinstyle = "miter"></v:stroke><v:formulas><v:f eqn = "if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0 "></v:f><v:f eqn = "sum @0 1 0 "></v:f><v:f eqn = "sum 0 0 @1 "></v:f><v:f eqn = "prod @2 1 2 "></v:f><v:f eqn = "prod @3 21600 pixelWidth "></v:f><v:f eqn = "prod @3 21600 pixelHeight "></v:f><v:f eqn = "sum @0 0 1 "></v:f><v:f eqn = "prod @6 1 2 "></v:f><v:f eqn = "prod @7 21600 pixelWidth "></v:f><v:f eqn = "sum @8 21600 0 "></v:f><v:f eqn = "prod @7 21600 pixelHeight "></v:f><v:f eqn = "sum @10 21600 0 "></v:f></v:formulas><vath o:extrusionok = "f" gradientshapeok = "t" o:connecttype = "rect"></vath><o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"></o:lock></v:shapetype><v:shape id=_x0000_i1025 style="WIDTH: 11.25pt; HEIGHT: 11.25pt" type = "#_x0000_t75" coordsize = "21600,21600" alt = ""><v:imagedata src = "file:///C:\DOCUME~1\AL5604~1.YOD\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image001.gif" o:href = "http://www.indusladies.com/forums/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif"></v:imagedata></v:shape>So, cheer up. Your problems don't have much to do with you staying away from your native-land. A new country is bound to have its differences, but we just need to train our mind to look at the differences positively.

 

US and India have very different cultures and lifestyles. Both has its pros and cons . Down the line, everyone needs to settle down somewhere and just learn to adapt to the culture and lifestyle of whichever place we choose to be. If we keep thinking that the grass is greener at the other end, we will always feel like a fish out of water. Now that you have been in US for 5 yrs and your DH and kids are used to this lifestyle, they will have a hard time adjusting to life in India if you choose to go there.

I understand your concerns because I have been in US for just 2 yrs now and these thoughts have crossed my mind as well.

When such thoughts cross my mind, I just sit and think about the advantages of living in US and in my case, there are more advantages than disadvantages.

From my experience, here are some of the good things about being in US ( which you may be taking for granted now) -

1. Work life balance is much better in US. Back in India in a Metropolitan city like Bangalore or Mumbai, an average private sector employee gets much lesser time with family ( as I said, this is based on my experience, there can be exceptions).

2. To address your concern about getting help with household chores,in India we do get maids at affordable rates to help with household work like cooking, cleaning, washing etc. But there are disadvantages also with this. Due to concerns like stealing and not doing the chores properly, most people who hire maids need to spend time supervising what they do ( which sometimes takes just as much time as doing it yourself).

In US, most of the household chores are a lot easier compared to India. Most of us use washer-dryer for laundry, dishwasher for dishes, microwave, baking oven, food processor, vacuum cleaner etc. For cooking, we get fresh vegetables, meat fish etc cleaned and cut,frozen food, ready to heat and eat options,lot of choices in dairy, juices etc. In India, the options are much much lesser. Also, the health and safety aspect of food is very well taken care in US. Lot of products in India dont have expiry dates and many items sold are not subject to any safety regulations.

3. Most parts of US is much neater, less polluted and traffic is a lot better than India. You will understand what I am saying only if after a tiring day's work you have ever had the frustrating experience of getting stuck in a traffic for over 2 hrs for a distance that takes barely 10-15 mins walk.
And the pollution is not fun either. In Metro cities, people travel in 2 wheelers wrapping their face and hair with scarves to protect from the dust pollution. Noise pollution is pathetic in India.

On the roads, all the vehicles aroud honk for no particular reason.
Mike sets are kept on full volume over long periods with no consideration in residential areas.
It is going to be hard to adapt to these things if you have been staying in US for 5 yrs.

4. The law and security in US is really good compared to India. In case of emergency, you can just dial 911 and you have help on the way. In India, it is a known fact that in most places,it is unsafe for women and kids to travel alone after dawn.

5. Talking about bringing up kids and education system in India, there are disadvantages like the kids even in small classes are overburdened with homework , tutions and assignments. The pressure and competition the system puts on the kids is too much.

6. Last , but not least , here in US, we are the master of our homes.
Back in India, you will have to deal with issues of interfering in-laws and relatives. Just browse thru the in-laws section in Indusladies and you will know what all kind of problems some women have to put up because they have to stay with them.

Think about such aspects as well when you decide where you want to settle.

 

How old are your kids? Are they old enough to be in elementary school? If yes, then I strongly suggest that you adopt some hobbies that will get you out of the home for a few hours a day when the children are at school. If not, then you may have to get a little creative about how to manage your time with young kids at home. In this case, look into local moms' groups and playgroups. You may not find INDIAN SAHMs to hang out with, while your kids play together, but you will find SOME company this way to spend the time of day. Secondly, get out of the house and take the kids to local parks and libraries (esp. story & craft time). You will meet MANY other SAHMs this way and make new friends. Then, of course, during the weekend, when your husband is home with the kids, sign up to volunteer at your local community center, hospital or other charities. You will not only meet people this way but also get some form of 'work experience' and gain some skills that might look on your resume if you should decide to work after a while.

Of course, if you have older kids who are in elementary school, then you can sign up for some interesting activities at your local community center. Places like Michael's or JoAnn's hold FREE craft and sewing classes several times a week.


Then, of course, there are some wonderful hobbies that you could adopt, right in the comfort of your home, that will keep you busy, happy and fulfilled. For instance, gardening. It will keep your days full and busy and in addition, you will have fine, healthy, beautiful plants to show for it AND will be contributing to our Planet's health in some small way. Even if you do not have a backyard, you can have a small balcony or patio or roof garden. There are some expert gardeners right here on IL (check out the gardening forum) who can help you with any gardening questions that you could have and / or help you get started.

Go to gym during the day (esp. the hours of 10:00 am to 2:00 pm when housewives show up to exercise), and you can meet health-conscious fellow women to hang out with. In addition to going to the library (for your own self-enrichment as opposed to your kids' entertainment), you could also volunteer at all of the above-mentioned places, for the afore-mentioned reasons.

Finally, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, your BIGGEST ally in helping you enrich your life is your local community college (and often for just pennies on the dollar). The Summer brochure for my CC lists classes in beginning automative maintenance, photography, bead making, pottery, cosmetology, etc!!!! I am sure that you can find similar classes at the your home CC. Not only will you make friends but also you will develop some interesting hobbies!

There is a LOT that you can do to keep yourself busy both at home and outside. The important thing is to be motivated and start somewhere. Good luck!

 

pman16

I totally empathize with you, and when I just came here to the US, I felt exactly that way you do, and in spite of not having kids and a lot of free time to pursue anything I wanted to, I felt smothered and bored! So I completely understand what you are going through. But there's two things you can do about it. One, keep cribbing about how boring it is here, only take note of all the bad things and dwell upon it, which would only serve to make things even worse.

Or you could just decide to shake it off, accept the situation, and make the best out of it. I know how frustrating it can be to not be able to give a little smack when a little one behaves extremely badly, but is that what you want to do to your kids? Could you not try correcting their behavior in a non- violent manner? Why do you want your husband to participate in everything? Start celebrating our festivals by yourself. Involve the kids in it, teach them slokams and stuff, so that way you also spend quality time with them. Start talking to your kids in your mother tongue, and seek your husband's support in this. Insist that you speak only your mother tongue at home.

And about the medical system, yes I understand your concerns about that too. But think about this, thankfully your husband seems hale and healthy, and he feels that way too. Why do you want to unnescessarily worry about some hypothetical situation? He is grown up, and he will know when he wants to go to the doctor!

Do you drive? If not, learn to drive. May be once a week or something, hire a sitter or request a friend to watch the kids. Go out and do what you want to do. Or ask your husband to watch the kids on weekends, and you go out have a little "me time", to reahcarge yourself for the week.

I know how lonely it can get in this country, especially if you are used to a busier life back home. But then you should realize that it is your decision to live here, and build a life here. So the sooner you start accepting it and try to make the most out of it, the better. As Malyatha suggested, take up gardening or something, and involve the kids too, if possible. It would be something fun for them too! So cheer up!

May be in good time, you could talk to your husband about going back. It is a big decision, and certainly needs a lot of consideration of a lot of factors, but just complaining about how you hate it here is not going to help anything. I say this from experience. I used to feel exactly like you, and was always glum and always complaining about how great life was back home, and how irritating it is here. I used to constantly say that we should go back and that life is too hard here. But soon, my husband got really fed up, and asked me if I will ever appreciate the things that I have, instead of crying out for things I don't. And thinking about it from that point of view, I realized my folly. I saw how hard he worked to be able to provide us with a good life, and started appreciating things more. So it is all a matter of perspective.