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No more feelings left, why give gifts?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mimi77, May 14, 2014.

  1. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Have been in the US for quite some time and planning a visit to India shortly.....now it's time to think about gifts for all relatives.....not much in talking terms with SIL and cosis.....is it really important to take gifts for them?....my heart says no, but the mind says yes.....since I don't have much feelings for them why take gifts as a gesture of love and affection?.....even if I put a lot of thought in selecting and purchasing gift items for them, I'm so sure they will still give me a mouthful....feeling confused....how would you handle such situation?
     
    Last edited: May 14, 2014
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The choices are:

    Put a lot of thought into selecting and purchasing gifts, and receive comments
    Do not take any gifts and receive comments

    I would put minimal thought and time into selecting gifts, and if they comment on them, listen to all the comments, then say "OK, I will take it back. Luckily I saved the receipts" and put it back in the suitcase.
     
  3. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Honey, the reason for their behavior is they feel inferior to you and hence snap at you at every given chance. I read this in a self help book recently and ever since I have sympathy for my inlaws. By Gods grace, my life is a lot more beautiful than theirs - that makes them burn

    Take presents and become the bigger person. As Rihana said, if they say something, just put it back in the suitcase. I also recommend you don't spend too much time shopping for them. Just buy some creams, lotions and a box of chocolate. They can't find faults with such things.
     
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  4. ammulur

    ammulur Platinum IL'ite

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    Has a sister in law you have to fulfill your responsibility whatever your SIL and cousins are with you....!
     
  5. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Rihanna,

    Did that with MIL last year. She wanted a handbag. DH spent time and found a nice leather one for her. I took it and gave. Ofcourse even though I said DH selected it, she did not like. I told her he had the receipt and we would bring it back to the US, and that he would get another for her. She said ok :) DH got another handbag for her and she kept both :bang
    DH asked me to keep my brilliant ideas to myself next time....especially where his mother was concerned.
     
  6. FromMars

    FromMars Gold IL'ite

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    You don't have to take gifts year after year, visit after visit. The first time you might seem awkward and everyone will get used to it.

    The only exception to the rule is when someone really appreciates the thought you put it.

    If you are going to stay with your inlaws, you can buy them a gift in india as a courtesy for their hospitality. You can even have them select it, like if you SIL or MIL likes sarees or decorative items. Make it a big deal on how they take care of you and how they deserve a gift and how the gifts bought abroad all break down or too pricey for the quality and so on.

    Good luck.
     
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  7. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    I will be staying in my own apartment and probably visit them for a day or two or they might just come over....Fact is they hardly talk to me .....now I have also reduced the frequency of calls considering their behavior....this reduced communication has considerably reduced my feelings towards them .......quite a number of times they have created fuss about the gifts I gave and returned them back and what not.....So I am not very keen on spending so much time, effort and money....May be I should be taking some cosmetics and chocolates and dry fruits....this is best....and may be I should gift family wise not on individual basis....this should save time and money....pls pour your thoughts......
     
  8. Kera

    Kera Gold IL'ite

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    How often do you go back? Again as someone mentioned you shouldn't have to take gift every year. But if you go after few years you should take some. Taking family wise gift of food and other goods is best. You can have the family figure out who takes what, especially if the individuals make fuss about the gifts you take.

    Don't spent too much time and effort on gift. At the end most people don't like the gifts they get because choose are different. You can always give people money & say "buy something for yourself" instead of buying a gift.
     
  9. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi last year my MIL returned all gifts given to her from us cause she knew I selected them and I hated buying things for her, so I took the opportunity and ran with it. Now I stay out of it and DH can buy his mom whatever he wants if he has time, of course now she only thanks him for the gift but I don't care, I am out of it. Let your DH select and let her hurt his feelings.
     
  10. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Wow, it amazes me how people here jump to conclusions without knowing anything and start seeing their own in laws in the OP's in laws!

    Now coming to you mimi, I strongly feel that you should not take any gifts for your SIL and cosister.

    One good reason for this is, if you give them gifts they too will give something in return( in most cases). And I am sure you would not like to take anything from them, atleast I don't, from the people I am not in good terms with.

    Gifts becomes a huge reason for fights in Indian households. Just stop giving them any kind of casual gifts, they might give you once or twice then they too will stop giving you. And this will eventually save you all alot of trouble and remorse in future.

    I don't like exchanging gifts just as a formality, with the exception of weddings and other formal events. I only give casual gifts to the people I actually care for.

    mimi, another thing is just because you are returning home from abroad does not mean you are expected to greet there everyone with gifts. I don't like this mentality.

    Only take something if they have specifically asked for somethings, since they are family, I would do that much. But taking out the time to buy something on my own of my choice just to make them happy,I wouldn't take that much pain.
     

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