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No control over husband's finances - Given away to undeserving people

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by caughtin2worlds, Apr 23, 2010.

  1. caughtin2worlds

    caughtin2worlds New IL'ite

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    I am married for 3 years. My husband has a cousin and his mom is widow. Before we married, he bought this cousin who is 40 something a baby. They adopted the baby. In his next trip for our wedding, his mother made him buy a digicam for the cousin to take his kid's photos.

    My husband tells me it was the last, but I don't believe it. This cousin is his mom s sister's son and has a family now. I dont like families who cannot fend for themselves. They have a servant maid and have other luxuries like AC etc. I am studying now and there is a loan we have incurred due to my education. We have committments like our own baby and have to buy a house as our family grows.

    My husband or his mom plainly deny that they do anything for this cousin, but both mom and son are very secretive people. They also lie sometimes. I do not trust it and it ended as a huge fight between me and my husband, who said that was the last and it s none of our business if his mother helps the other family.
    I had to tell my parents since I didnt know what to do. My parents want to confront but obviously not by keeping our marriage at stake. The reason my parerts come here is that it s an arranged marriage and they are also responsible.

    At some level it s like an agreement. I wish there are pre-nuptial agreements like here in the west.

    What can I do ?
    My husband doesnt trust me enough thinking that I tell my parents everything. In name of fooling me, mom and son are fooling themselves.
    Also he s the only son just to add info.


    HELP ME!
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I didn't understand fully.What are all the things did he buy for his cousin?
    If that just only cancoder or anything else.

    I am not really on your side and you may not like my post.
    Since your husband not in india,who is taking care of your MIL.May be that cousion would help your MIL because of that she asked do some favours to him.Then what's wrong.

    We always our issues with money.But does your husband don't have freedom to choose to buy something for his cousin?
    For that you have to bring your parents into scene?

    Do you have credit card or does he give freedom to buy your own things?Do you have what savings he had or not.

    Your post only talk about giving some gifts his cousin.Does he not transparet to you about his salary and other things.

    I beleive he is sponsring your education.Then what else he is not doing good?

    Don't you buy any gifts to your relatives?
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    How can any husband trust his wife when the wife discloses her family issues / transactions with her parents? so why blame him for not trusting you, isnt it a natural reaction?

    You are studying, your husband is earning. So does he ask you not to buy or spend less or save more? If not then why bother about whom he has to gift and what and what not?

    If you have education loan, am sure you are going to work in future, you can clear it off isnt it? if not your husband would surely help you clear the loan , why link the education loan to how much he spends on his family?

    I guess even if the spending is a problem, you have to tackle it from your familys' perspective i.e your familys debts, planning for kids, and future and settlement, but if you project it as if he is spending unnecessarily, he woudl look at it as if you are trying to control him and his money. Rather if you say the same thing as to you are worried about your financial security and kids etc, might be instead of picking it up as a fight, discuss as to what are his plans and savings etc you would understand why he does what he does.

    Forget about what that cousin of your husband has at home. How luxurious they are living etc. Its none of your business. If you need anything ask for it but do not throw tantrums just because you think something is wrong.

    Also please stop sharing your family matters with your parents. Doesnt matter if its arranged/love marriage. You are a grown up and deal with your problems by yourself. If you dont like your husband talking to his mom, then why are you doing the same thing? Isnt it like hypocrisy??? where you do what you dont like in your partner?

    I guess you are having insecurities about your marital life and thats what is making you look at everything with a suspicious view. First of all get the negative thoughts out of your mind and talk to your husband about whats bothering you and ask him whther your fears are correct or not, if not how can you stop bothering about all these issues. Seek his help. Not your parents.
     
  4. Ajith

    Ajith Silver IL'ite

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    I read your other post about your husband calling his mom from work. The above comment in bold suggests me that you have some kind of hatred towards that cousin. That sentence is not needed at all. Needless to say it also offends others who might have adopted a baby or thinking of adopting a baby. The bottom line is, you want your husband to cut off his ties with his mom and the cousin. Think about your husband and how he feels for not being with his widowed mother. So what if he spends few hundred dollars for the cousin who takes care of his mom? As long as it does not affect your financial situation/goals drastically I do not think there is anything wrong in that. Most men in US feel guilty for letting their mom live alone in India. They hope sending money can reduce their guilt to some extent.
     
  5. Gooseberry

    Gooseberry Senior IL'ite

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    caughtin2worlds: Right now you seem to be very angry. COOL DOWN!!
    Think with a cool head. Hey! It is alright to send little money as long as it does not hamper your living here. Please talk to your husband about your worries and your anxiety and be very clear. He may actually explain why he is doing all that and who knows it may be for some good too....who knows?
    The only way out of all this is TALKING TO YOUR HUBBY.... Please do that ASAP and see the difference. Don't keep things in your head and keep worrying day and night. I really believe in open/frank communication and surely it will help you out. After all, he is your husband and he loves and cares for you.
     
  6. Ajith

    Ajith Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, a frank talk with your husband will clear your doubts. He may even agree to send less money if he comes to know that you are not happy with the amount being sent.
     
  7. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    I just noticed something in your title.. "No control.... Undeserving people".
    May be your DH and DMIL would have felt they are deserving.. and there could be a genuine reason too. Because they cannot reason it out with you, your dH might have gone to the secret mode..
    For the things that cousin could have done in the past or even for the reason that he is blood related, out of goodwill your DH might feel the need in his heart to help that cousin.. in a way to show his gratitude or love. So talk to your DH and you may even feel the cousin is deserving, who knows.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2010
  8. caughtin2worlds

    caughtin2worlds New IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your suggestions, it s always godo to get some perspective.
    Here s more detail on matter. This cousin earns less. Wanting a baby is not wrong. I wud call it a noble cause if my husband decided to fund. It was what followed that. Heemailed asking for electronic goods. As for luxury living - If you have taken favor from somebody for basic needs, wouldnt you feel obligated to that person ? Will you further go on asking for more ( wants not necessities).

    As for him taking care of my MIL, it' s not true. She commutes to railway stations at 10 pm in night if she were to go out of town. Similarly she earns and is on her own for everything.. She s comin nd staying with us in fall.

    As for me discussing with my family, I was married at 22, I had no one to tell frankly..
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    He helped his cousin with adoption and gifted a camera BEFORE your marriage.... so according to your post, that would have been 3 years ago!!! Yet you are still harping on your husband that he might do something again for his cousin. Hello! If he hasn't done something in the last 3 years, why do you keep thinking some other gift is right around the corner?? You are unecessarily causing fights with your dh. Cut it out and grow up.

    If your mil wants to help this cousin or gift him stuff, that's none of your business. I mean, how does your mil's gifting to people even affect you? I don't see the correlation. And you even say she earns for herself........ so how in the world is it your right to dictate who she gives her money too?

    Save for your own house, pay off your student loan, that's fine. But stop causing fights over a camera that would not have been more than couple hundred dollars. Couple hundred dollars does not set you back financially. So many husbands on this forum gift extravagant gifts to their family EVERY YEAR and drain their bank account leaving the wife with NOTHING. Your dh simply bought a camera ONCE, BEFORE you were married to him. And that too, for a family to take pictures of the new child in their life. Please try to have a heart and let this go.

    If you want your dh to start being honest with you in all matters, stop making him afraid to do so. If every time you cause a fight over a 3 year old camera, obviously he will be hesitant to share any other news with you. Lying is not right, but neither is your behavior. I agree that FUTURE money decisions need to be made together. But to get that to happen, you need to make your dh feel comfortable enough to open up to you. You might try telling him that in the past, you know you have blown situations out of proportion, but that you would really like a second chance with him, to discuss things as a team.

    And please, PLEASE, keep your parents out of this. They want to 'confront'? WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE????? Your parents have ZERO right to confront your mil about how she spends her money, and ZERO right to confront your husband about money he spent before marriage. Sorry, but if your parents think they have any right to confront your husband or his mom, they are utterly foolish. You're 22 and hence you couldn't control yourself from spilling all this inside information to your parents? Please girl. I was maried at 19, now I'm 22, and I don't rile my parents to 'confront' my husband or my inlaws (however bad they may be).

    You really need to pick your battles wisely and realize what is and isn't important in the grand scheme of things.
     
  10. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    I don't even know where to start.

    (1) OP is SUSPECTING her husband and MIL of helping the cousin and will not accept their assertions that they are not. So, basically, she is creating trouble based on ASSUMPTIONS. No matter how much he denies it, she won't accept it as the truth, claiming that he and his mother are lying. Gee, I wonder why they would? So, because, the husband wants some peace, he calls his mother from work so that she won't listen in on conversations and create more fights and THAT is also a problem because he and his mother no longer have the right to any privacy. You never answered my question in the other thread. Do you ONLY talk to YOUR parents on speaker phone when he is around?

    (2) She thinks that the husband was WRONG to have helped his cousin BEFORE he married her. He does not seem to have helped the cousin AFTER marriage (although she suspects it).

    (3)

    She thinks she can tell her MIL how to spend her money.


    (4)
    Her parents have the RIGHT to interfere in her marriage

    My "advice" to you,
    (a) GROW UP.

    (b) Live and let live. It is people like you who give ALL DILs a bad name.

    (c) Lose that streak of entitlement on the double. You don't get to tell other people - even your spouse and your MIL - how they should live / manage their affairs / finances / relationships.

    (d) Tell your parents to stay out of this or expect to lose their SNIL's respect. If you all have too much time on your hands and think picking fights on imagined issues is a fine way to spend time, then I am here to tell you that it isn't so, AND, that you need to get a more productive job.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2010

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