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New Sister-in-law And Her Problems At The Ils

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BeingSoulful, Jun 16, 2021.

  1. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP, I can understand you. You are a beautiful soul. I understand that on one side you know what you went through and wouldnt want to put your co-sis through same sh!t but you know already and thats why you are mature and didn't involve into the matter. Continue the same.

    Tell your co-sister that in a newly married life, every girl faces some challenges. Things will not be same as they were around her before marriage.
    Encourage her to spend her time in bonding with her husband than thinking of her MIL.
    Let her figure out herself on when to be silent and when to reply back to MIL.
    Tell her mother to not call you and complain about your MIL. I dont think she should call your husband either. But I understand her mother's plight too. So cant blame her. Be polite and tell her good things about your MIL and tell her that let her daughter get adjusted it takes time.

    In short advice for you is - "Not my circus, not my monkeys".
     
  2. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    I really wonder how the ladies here are advising u to stay out of it and not let her mother calll your husband..
    First of all op your husband is the father figure and was involved in the match making so he should sort things out or at least talk to your BIL as to how he should get ahead with his married life.
    Yes Op you are a bful soul and ur cosister is lucky ..but going that extra mile and giving subtle hints that you also had a tough time and how you handled it will do no harm to u and help her a lot.
    When a bride comes to a new house she has to face a lot of weird things and people and that little help can go a long way..
    I was luckier than ur cosis to have a cosis who helped me with those subtle hints and not comg out openly in my defence. She even politely and subtly favored me in front of ILs. Rest is upto you how u want to go about helping her and dont feel guilty as def you have to first see your relstionship with your family and then help her.
     
    Janakinarne likes this.
  3. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    And No not necessarily she will figure everything out bcoz u did..every situation is different.
     
  4. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Hi diva, i agree with you that it helps when a bride has someone in the inlaws esp a co-sister who already has experience with inlaws can guide her subtly.
    I don't know about others but why I gave the advice of not let her husband deal with it is bcause :

    1. Just because he was a father figure in helping arrange the marriage doesn't mean lifelong her parents can call him for everything and anything that their daughter might have issue with her inlaws.
    2. If its encouraged now, for every small thing she or her parents will bother op n her husband n their peace will get disturbed. Thy may have issues with inlaws if they get involved directly.

    But I do agree with you that OP can subtly help her new co-sis without being bluntly open abt her inlaws. That's what I told. She shouldn't get involved but can be there for her co-sis and encourage her to figure out how to deal with inlaws without being c
    open abt how they are n wat issues she faced.

    As later MIL can also play trick to get closer to new co-sis (many MILs do this - try to make one DIL scapegoat to get on the nerve of other DIL).
    Even if co-sis is good person, MIL can trick her into opening up about the other DIL's thoughts about her etc. There maybe a chance when co-sis and MIL can get together while the 1st DIL is made to feel like a total outsider and the mean one!.

    Not saying this is what will happen. Saying, this is one of the probability. Hence, its better to play safe for OP n help co-sis but indirectly.
     
  5. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    But what i personally feel is there should b someone in family who u can talk to when there us a problem ..thats why match making is done through elders.
     
  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @BeingSoulful,

    In my view, being a person who had experienced this problem before and your husband who was playing the role of a father for the family, both of you have an obligation to set your cosis life in order. After all, you both have done so much to get them married and lead a happy life together. Perhaps, your conversation with your husband earlier was positive and he was understanding enough to recognize this familiar issue. Frankly, you need to be frank with your husband about all approaches by your cosis and her mother. In fact, you should place the issue in his hands and ask him what role you must play to make his brother and his SIL's life better.

    I realize your husband is busy with his work but he may be able to address it through his conversation with his brother. Having lost the battle with you, your MIL may be more aggressive with your SIL to gain control. Having built a great relationship with your SIL, you don't want her to give an impression to her husband that you have not been very helpful to her. It may affect your otherwise nice relationship with you brother-in-law.

    If I were you, I would take the following clear actions:

    1) Be transparent with your husband about all approaches you have received so far from both cosis and her mother. Ask him to speak with his brother.
    2) Ask your husband what you should do in this situation.
    3) Continue to have good conversation with your cosis and tell her that you and your husband are there to support her and her husband to lead a happy life. There is nothing wrong in wishing them to be happy together.
    4) You must avoid further conversation with your cosister's mother and explain your rationale for doing so with your cosister with the consent of your husband.
     

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