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New Sister-in-law And Her Problems At The Ils

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BeingSoulful, Jun 16, 2021.

  1. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

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    Let me start with a brief background. My BIL just got married 3months ago & my new SIL is a decent human and we share a very cordial relationship with minimum communication. Now, I don't have a great relations with my MIL, she has the least empathy in herself towards any human ever and her narcissistic personality ticks me off. My FIL passed away when my husband was still in collage so my husband almost played a father figure at home and we were deeply involved in BIL's match-making (arranged) & wedding rituals. I have a good bond with BIL and genuinely feel for him & so for my SIL. Everything was perfect and rosy the first month of wedding, we stayed together for 2weeks after their wedding & returned to US.

    SIL started showing signs of stress & she had totally become this person I dint recognize, the newly wed excitement & her happy-go personality had vanished. I knew something was wrong but just dint want to be involved in anything since our marriage went through some rough time because of MIL. I just dint want anything to do with her. But SIL would reach out causally to tell me she's still trying to adjust and she is finding things very difficult. All i did was motivate her & told her it was normal to feel all this in a new environment. But i never gave away any specifics to her about my relationship with MIL or issues i faced. But since MIL & myself make no effort of talking to each other, SIL already knows something is not right. She once asked me directly and i told her very subtly that mornings are normally busier for me with chores & a toddler running around all the time, hence its hard to make time for the "video call". Also told her somethings are better left unsaid. She was nice, she understood & never forced me to express a anything in particular.

    Out of the blue, 2 days ago SIL's mom messaged me. She normally makes constant contact but i was trying to keep it low & replied once in a while. But this time her message was more serious. She mentioned how upset she was that my MIL wasn't treating SIL (her daughter) properly & how for weeks together MIL wont speak to SIL, making faces, restricting making contact with maternal family, controlling BIL too (probably fighting him as well). Once SIL burnt her thighs trying to make something in the kitchen & MIL dint care. Span of 3months she fell sick at least 3 times (due to various reasons) & every time MIL would not show any concern. Now after reading all this, i made a call & spoke to SIL's mother , mentioned it was not right for me to comment about MIL but only advised she should confront my MIL directly and sort it. She said they already tried all that but MIL would just not acknowledge the problem & be open for a discussion. SIL's mother mentioned she will talk to my husband (since he's the father figure) and see if he can help. We also concluded the call saying we would not discuss this with anyone. But she wanted to know if i could help SIL, provide her tips on how to be & what to do so she could handle the situation.

    After this call, i have been very disturbed for a few reasons-

    - Part of me is very guilty for not helping SIL. She reminds me of my younger self. I can totally understand what she is going through & knowing my MIL, i know what exactly is going on there right now.
    - I casually mentioned to my husband that SIL's mother was asking about him & he said he will call sometime in the weekend. (this was before i got those lengthy messages from her explaining things). Now i am guilty of hiding it from him.
    - Once he gets involved, things are going to get nasty, i know my MIL, she plays the victim card very well, she always has. DH is already very stressed due to his job and other things plus we have our own unresolved issues.

    I casually try to fill up SIL with some motivation & gyan without getting specific about anything. Not sure if that's helping her because she's gone very silent and it scares me. I understand this is her battle and she needs to fight this but i cant help but think & reflect back on the time i felt as miserable as she feels & how lonely it gets. I also know my involvement would stir things in a wrong direction & even otherwise MIL is waiting to declare that i am influencing SIL in some way (MIL dint seem to like our little bonding time we had before we returned to US).

    Help! Any input is appreciated. Thanks for hearing me out!
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your brother-in-law has to stand up for his wife, to put it bluntly. Nothing else will be effective.
     
    1Sandhya, SGBV, Laks09 and 3 others like this.
  3. Janakinarne

    Janakinarne Silver IL'ite

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    U and ur husband stand in front in dre marriage and ur saying u r husband takes care of family as a father ,so if there is any prob or conflicts it’s ur husband responsibility to sort out and the prob should bring to him wat ever the situation is..
    And ur husband should talk to his mother or brother regarding this,and should explain them ..if no one taking are of the responsibility of the house dn wats the situation of the newly married girl??
    Otherwise ur saying ur bil is clz to u dn y can’t u talk wth him??y don’t u ask him abut his married life??just ask him casually and in between tel him that he should take care of his wife and should balance both mother and wife
    Whn u stand to there mrg then u people should guide dm how to face situations,if u didn’t involve its k but let her husband know his responsibilities and how she was suffering dre and tel him u find lot of difference in her ..
    U no need to explain ur past wth ur mil to her nor no need to say anything just stand for her how to manage the situation,
    It’s not easy to stay wth in-laws ,talk to her and know wats going on don’t comment back abut ur mil but guide her how she can handle
     
    Madhurima21, meepre and sandhya2020 like this.
  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    OP should lay off and let the cosister get on with life. The young bride has to know or find out how to win the heart/mind of the one in the household who matters. The only advice the older cosister can give the younger one should be about birthcontrol.

    The young cosister in India should desist getting pregnant until she is sure that she likes the circus, and wants to be part of the troupe.
     
    Rihana and Metamorphic like this.
  5. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP you played it well. But don't go between co sil and mil. Later they all will be happy and joined together and you will turn out to be the culprit.

    Stay away from this whole drama. Neither through message or phone call give any advice. Later you will get to hear a lot as you said which you didn't even think in dreams.

    Your BIL will blame as " you interfered things went very bad, initially it was not this bad!!!!"

    Everything will turn upside down. So stay away from this. You or your husband doesn't need to make any comments. The last thing you can do is make conference call between BIL, co sis, co sis mother, and your MIL. And you & your husband keep quiet in the call and let others speak.

    All are matured enough to handle this. These all are very normal in every home. Don't be a scapegoat in-between.

    It's BIL duty to take care of his mom & wife. He need to help sil & mil to create a bond between each other.

    You also went through this but you handled it so can she. Stay away.
     
    Gauri03, MalStrom and meepre like this.
  6. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    Trust me, your Co-sister, like any other DIL, will figure her life out of this. Keep your eyes, ears & heart open but lips sealed.

    You are a good co-sister, your co-sister is lucky!
     
    MalStrom likes this.
  7. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    you can suggest your BIL to balance wife and mother, but better you maintain distance form this matter. People will figure out their own equation in time.
     
    MalStrom likes this.
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Stay out of this OP! This is nothing but trouble. This mom getting involved and calling you etc should be nipped in the bud. I would tell her - Aunty, I don’t like hearing complaints about my MIL. She’s an outsider. She shouldn’t be talking to you about your MIL, regardless of what you feel about her. This will come back to haunt you and your DH. Your SIL’s mom can easily make it all your fault.

    Don’t mention anything to your DH or your BIL. Once they realize you are neutral they will stop bothering you.

    It’s up to your SIL to involve her spouse in this. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have involved her mom and I don’t think it’s a good idea that her mom jumps in and tries to gang up with the older DIL. It sounds very ill mannered to me. How long have they known you? A few months?

    You should continue to have conversations with SIL and be cordial but not over involved in her issues with your MIL. Would you like it if this were your mom? If it were my mom, I would be mad that my DH was discussing this with an outsider. I would want him to not indulge regardless of how crazy my mom would have been. I assume the same will be the case with most people.
     
    MalStrom likes this.
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    @MalStrom is correct.

    You really need to separate your personal feelings about MIL from this situation.

    Your husband is ‘like a father figure’ but not your BIL’s father. Involving him in this is unfair. He fulfilled his duty by standing in father’s place during wedding. That’s enough.

    It’s your BIL’s duty to step up now. Where is he?

    No need to feel guilty. Why are you hiding the texts the girls mom sent? Don’t complicate unnecessarily. You have proceeded correctly so far. Continue on same path. Plead your and hub’s inability to intercede due to distance and ask them to sort out within themselves.

    Your husband should NOT involve through conf call. Max you can do is show him the texts you recd and he can forward them to his bro saying ‘what is this? Take care of this matter.’ As others said stay out of it.
     
    Metamorphic likes this.
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    There will be two different results if you choose to put your foot down & help your struggling SIL.

    I've been there, done that and sharing both the scenarios based on my own experience as below.

    1. I was that struggling DIL. Didn't know what to do or how to face my cruel MIL. My H was a puppet & MIL knew how to convince him.
    After trying out on everything, I vent out to my mom.
    She approached a common family friend, who seemed genuine, with the hope of approaching MIL & my H to resolve this never ending battle, that was killing me.
    That relative didn't help then, but used every information that we shared to their favour on an inappropriate time when our marriage was more or less stable a few years later. We regretted sharing our personal details with an outsiders, rather we could have resolved it amongst ourselves.

    2. My younger SIL faced almost the same issues as i faced upon her marriage with BIL. Knowing my not so cool relationship with in laws, she often tried to open up with me. But i used to be careful & never uttered any bad stuff against MIL then. I didn't want to ruin our hard earned peace by this.
    But i felt pity, because i saw my SIL was slowing sinking just as how i was a few years back.
    So, I reached out to her & explained everything, including the tactical approach that worked for me. She & her parents acted exactly how my parents reacted after so much damage in my personal life.
    Thank God, within a year or so, my SIL gained upper hand in her marriage & she has moved out of MILs house & happy now.
    But my MIL & all at their home started seeing me as the culprit. Now our relationship with MILs is totally damaged.

    I still believe i did what i believe is right. Cutting the ties with some cruel being is not a huge loss. In fact, it did disturb our life a bit, bit my H & BIL are slowly seeing their mother's true face. This too shall pass.

    Think & act what your heart says. But be ready to face the consequences.

    You can also do nothing about it. But not every DIL is as strong as you to come out of this hell without any damage. I personally don't want any woman to go through what i had to go through in the past. No matter what i will stand up for them & fight for justice. If not, this will make me guilty for life

    Choice is yours
     
    Dishaa and Janakinarne like this.

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