New Crisis! Please help me!

Dear Friend,

Why do you want to attend the function when you know it could cause a rift between you and your husband. Why go lookign for trouble? More over, your brother calling him 'idiot' was not good. Let him be so, but if I were you i would never set my feet back in the house where my husband was insulted. I think, your husband is pissed more not out of your brother's act (he would have forgotten), but because you not supporting him (he can never forget that). Once married, you both are ONE. So each should make sure, the other is being treated well. You cannot justify saying he does not reciprocate, let him be, you do not do the same, then there is no difference b/w you and him. He will come around if thats the case.

If I were you, I would not attend any function from my side (his's side, i do not have control, so just do what i can) , until i get back that love and trust. No body needs to be involved.

Really, understand your husbands feelings and embarassment. Try to avoid it, if possible.

I wonder why, everybody seem to think husband need to be warned. Well, these both are grownups. They should know better then involving whole family. They need to be on their own first for a period of time (no matter how long), to iron out all the ruffles cause by the family around (it has to be noted that, the actual problem is not with either of the spouses, its the family). They have to block all external noise until they become strong enough emotionally.

 

I completely agree with sruthi. I dont know why we dont grow up. In fact think about it this way, what if you had to face such a situation with his family members? Couples facing problems have 99% problems due to the close relatives. Relatives make a hype of everything, and instead of playing down such differences, create even more problems. And one thing I dont understand is where u want to go if not to your house? Remember, your family, you, your husband and daughter must be first to you. From whatever you have written about your mother, brother and sisters, it is very clear that everyone of them are more concerned about them only, then why shouldn't you also be more concerned about your husband and daughter?

I think better tell your husband about the fact that your brother's visit and your worry that your husband may not be properly received by your brother, and let him know that your husband is more important to you and so you will not be attending. If your husband knows that you care for him, he will definitely understand and behave a bit matured.

Decision is yours, but remember, it is better to avoid the incident rather than crying over the effects of that. All the best!

 

you are faced with 3 scenarios.
1. worst case scenario: your DH and your brother interact and flareup and explosive situation can occur

2. mid way scenario: they donot talk or interact at all - calm but tense situation

3. best case scenario: they interact forget and forgive the past and take the relationship further in the best interests of all.

What you can do: talk to your Dh before hand of these scenarios and express your wish that you prefer BCS and not MWS but definitely not WCS. Same thing talk to your brother before hand.

But if still things donot improve, then prepare yourself for these scenarios. preparation and expectation will atleast take away the uncertainty and anxiety of the situations

 

I agree with sruthii...betetr dont attend the function at all. Afterall, there is no respect for your DH there. unless of course, you dont mind living without him. Relatives, even if very close should be avoided at all cost to keep harmony in marital relationships. Just my opinion!

 

Hi Ushie,

I want to tell u something here, i was in the same boat as you, first 2 yrs of my marriage was hell, let me explain u my situation in the past, mine is an arranged marriage, before getting married to my husband, i had see couple of marriage proposals and my husband was one among them, my husband liked me and i liked him as well, but i did not hear back from his family about the marriage proposal, so my family fixed my engagment with one of the boy that we were looking, on the day of my engagment, my husband called me and told that he is interested in marring me, i told him, today is my engagment, and i cannot marry u, u need to talk to my parents, a big scene happend and he broke my engagment with the boy, told him that i saw this girl first and i liked her and i want to marry her, that boy backed off see my husbands love towards me, after my engament was broke, my mom called names to my husband, and he was pissed off, she did call him an 'IDIOT' for breaking my engagment, which any mother would do, i got married to my husband, but my husband was so hurt that my mom called him an idiot and made sure that i break all my contact with my mom, being new to everything i did not go against him and did what he wanted, in result i was not allowed to talk to any of my family members, for non of my mistake, slowly he started abusing me saying that my mom is bad, my family is bad bla, bla bla, i told him, u knew everything about my family before getting married to me, my mom called u names before getting married to me, because u borke my engagment, so any mom would do that, he did not listen, he started physically and verbally abusing me for no mistake of mine, my husbands family(Parents) were aware of the physical abuse but no help from them, my parents knew nothing about the physical and verbal abuse i was going on, i made sure that they did not know what i was going thru, one fine day, out of blue my husband called my mom and started calling her names on the phone, that's it. At that point i put my foot down, i told my husband, just to satify ur male ego i went thru hell for no mistake of mine, and u exploited me completely, the only reason i was going thru abuse was that my parents were not aware of my situation and i was happy that they thought i am very happy with my husband, i did wanted them to feel bad of their mistake, i left my husband, and stayed at my friends home for may be 2 days, he realised his mistakes, and he brought me back home and since then till now, i am working on him, but my life is far far far better than what it was in first 2 yrs of my marriage, now he too talks to my parents.

The reason i am telling u my stroy is unless and untill u put ur foot down and tell him that hello, this is not going to work, it is my family(my bro, sis, mom), and people say things when they are angry which they dont mean, so let i go and start fresh.

Good luck, nothing is impossible girl, my situation was worst than ur's, only diffrence between u and me was i stoped it and u are still going thru that abuse, there is no comfort or love when the partner is abusive, what kind of a husband is he when he does not understand what his wife wants, what are u asking for, just little time to spend with ur family, 10 yrs of marriage and still husband is controlling, wake up Ushie and stand for urself.