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Neighbor Cancelled Potluck Dint Inform Me...and Did I Became A Target?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Vedhavalli, Feb 17, 2017.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi IL,

    Before going to the issue...
    Backdrop :
    I recently moved to US - 10 months ago with toddler...i was working in Fortune 10 organization.
    now on H4...to join hubby i had to resign..as my org was not ready to provide a L1. (You see my threads)

    Now in my apartment there are few Indians...some of the families are my DH colleagues..
    As i already knew how people behave here (all gyan given by ILs in USA)
    There is a lady say 'XXXX' (she is not DH colleague's wife)who was much interested in conducting potlucks..so all the Indian females in apartment joined her..first i was reluctant,...since i dont want get stressed of ladies talk.

    Then every month they organized potlucks...I too joined them (only ladies)
    Soon, i too got along as i had to no one talk with. meetings in poolside was common...
    The lady XXXX behaves boss in the group (simple reason being she moved to US 7 yrs ago).
    Most of the time i keep quiet..she makes me feel bad with comparison.

    1)My daughter talks well, her daughter doesnt talk well who is 5 months younger than mine (2.5 yrs mine). She kept telling me 'your daughter talks well because she was raised in India', there people talk so much. I told, my parents raised her i used to go to work, i couldnt spend time like you do with your daughter in a polite way. I really missed my DD's infant days. my DD started speaking from 1 yr.

    2) She told my daughter will have difficulty in US, as she is not US born (both of her daughters are US born have little gap) wrt to getting work and getting along. My reaction was blank

    3) From childhood i dint have very big group of friends, i have good limited nice life long friends.
    Who have reading habits like me, over the books only our friendships bloomed...
    I take my DD to near by library..the lady XXX asked do you to library...then onwards something or other is coming up..i couldnt take DD to LIB.

    4) The lady XXXX drives...boasts about 100 times. I'm yet to get Driver's license here, cleared written test. when i told that, she said tests in CA are very easy compare to IL state. I was completely blank.
    I told in US everybody drives...driving in India tough where rules are in air.

    5) My sister visited me in the year end..she is married and lives in Europe. The lady XXX said oh your relatives are other parts of the world too. I smiled dint reply. Her entire cousins and extended family in USA she boasts that too.

    6) To my sister she said, i have visited 17 states in US, my sister talked back said i have visited 14 countries in last 1.8 years whats the big deal...XXX got mute.

    7) Almost daily she was boastful about her language expertise in Hindi and onesouth indian language... (she was born and grew up in a city where URdu is common)One of the apartment lady got irritated and stopped to coming to potlucks.
    I told XXX i was born in Metro city raised in various of parts of India as my dad was with CBI. She kept quiet. As i can speak read write Hindi, Punjabi, 3 south Indian language and Gujarati apart from my mother tongue.

    8) She has EAD, but dint get job she is searching for more than 9 months...since i'm in H4 i cant work...i had 8 yrs exp in IT. XXXX told me, there is a SUBWAY you can work there ..i said i dont want to work illegally dont want to be jailed. End of period...

    9) She calls me in the odd hours of the day like early morning...late night etc. I let it go because she is having kids may be emergency, her recent emergency was for rice ....it was snowing..i went to give her.
    Whatever she wants - she wouldnt come and get , i have to go..i let it go for her kids. Yesterday it was curd and rasam.

    With so much to go on.... i avoided the comparison..with smile and i had to bear the topics and discussions... i kept smiling attending the potlucks..to save my mental peace and boredom.

    I and others make dishes deep fried items...which requires huge effort and money. She makes pasta and ready made quesadilla, sandwhich, youghurt. one or two times others commented...
    And all the potlucks have to be her home, she wouldn't come to others house (citing kids as reason)
    Recently there was a function in one of the gals house...she came and asked me to pack and door deliver. I did because i knew she cant carry...with the kids.

    Now this month she Whatsapped me telling lets organize potluck on Thursday with families..
    I said to her, my DH cant join he has another work today. She texted OK.

    Then yesterday another lady say YYYY whatsapped me telling today potluck got cancelled as i said my DH cant join. THe lady XXXX wanted all the guys to be there...family get together type.
    I replied to YYYY - Simple OK.

    I feel frustrated, why XXXX dint inform me, she only texted me about potluck.
    She should have told me it got cancelled....Shouldnt she?
    She has made 100 calls to get things done..why she dint text..
    1) how to respond to her next time when i meet
    2) should join for next pot lucks?

    All these times she was using me...
    I want to end this Bullly...
    my DH says avoid them...or stop being pulled.
    What shall i do...Living away from old good friends ...i know after college, you wont get the real friends ...i'm seeing it.
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2017

  2. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Learn to say no.

    Next time when she asks for help,tell her that you cannot door deliver and she has to come and collect it herself..

    Next time when she calls you for a potluck,tell her that she has to inform you when it gets cancelled or postponed as she is the organizer.

    I think the organizing lady has lot of insecurities or low self confidence,thats why she constantly boasts and compares herself with you.As you did,a simple smile can be the only reaction.
  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Lol this potluck thing :)
    Your thread reminds me of my initial years in USA.

    Group of ladies gathering and gossiping many times back biting.In my case,they used to always talk about weight and talk about how well they exercise.me being into fitness and workout very hard used to irk me a lot.A little weight I gained they will point it out right away lol.many other things lol.

    Now,after many years all those things seem so funny and even now I have a neighbor who will boast about herself but I don't consider that boasting.she is basically a good person and half the time I let it go from one ear to the next.Plus her kids are grown up,everyone around is busy no time to meet.

    Once you move to a community when you buy a home it will be much better.Plus over the years we learn how to avoid and keep better people around us.Usually a little older people are more matured,not all though.Plus I would dread being in an apt complex again with so many people lol and ironically I am saying I want to move to India haha but off late I got to admit I quite like this American life and privacy and this time I enjoyed the winter!!!maybe am getting matured lol

    Sorry to digress..just some memories.

    Just move slowly away from that lady.Honestly except for her asking you to give her things and disturbing you at odd hours other things are not big problems I feel.When she boasts,don't retort.One thing I always felt which worked is when someone says something you don't like,just show a disinterested face and no reaction.It works wonders.plus you try to create a sub group with friends in that community whom you like if you really really need a group.

    Another important thing which keeps a person sane is setting low expectations and keeping boundaries.Boundaries are always important no matter how good the other person is.

    Else be happy with your kid,work on self development and be happy!!all is well
    ChennaiExpress and JGVR like this.
  4. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    I wish someone writes an article for IL, "10 Ways to Set Boundaries". I have similar problem. We should help each other :)
  5. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    Why do you interact with Indians?
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP

    It seems you are giving way too much priority to this bossy neighbor. That is what obviously bothering when she fails to respect you.

    Your sister is right. When someone is unnecessarily boasting, you need not listen to them. You are free to voice your opinion.

    If she wants, she can come. She can come when she is ready. It is her choice. You can always offer whatever she requires. But she needs to come and get it.
    Set this boundary very clearly.

    When you overtly do favors to others, you are bound to expect at least 1/2 of them from them. That is human nature. Such expectations leads to disappointments and hatred in long run. It is not fair for both.

    You have already sensed that your neighbor is being overtly bossy. This is time to cut lose of this relationship and simply maintain the basic hi-bye status. You can do this slowly.
    Vedhavalli and sindmani like this.
  7. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi friends, thank you all for your inputs heartfelt suggestions...
    I decided to stop simple favors too. The other day neighbor lady met me near pool, She nicely invited me to her house in evening. I said I'm busy. She asked what busy, I said shopping. She asked what shopping. I repeated shopping and said bye. No smile nothing.
    gknew and sindmani like this.
  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    She's a bully and all d boasting comes due to insecurities. We teach our kids to tackle n stand up to our bullies rite. U goto do the same thing. If she's bossing around every body n others r starting to avoid, u can take d lead n plan with them. If she can give birth to kids, she can take care of dem. Stop torturing urself for her or her kids. Focus on good friends.

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