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Need Your Advice On Money Matter Urgently

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Archana11, Aug 20, 2018.

  1. Archana11

    Archana11 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,
    I need an advice. Im not in talking terms with my SIL and she is asking my husband for 2L amount for a new business.
    My argument with my husband is that, we have already helped her 80k for a business which lead to a big fight between us and she stopped talking with me even though i tried to talk to her. Few months back he helped 50k for one more business. Now they want 2L. Im not ok with it and fighting with my husband. My husband version is she is her sister and if you see my recent post her husband has both kidneys failed and is undergoing dialysis once in a week so he wants to help.
    Im shamelessly telling you all that its not about the money im bothered. Its my ego. Even though she does not care about me, she will get whatever she wants. I know im wrong here but not able to take it. Im fighting from morning regarding this.
    I know you will all pour positivity in me and tell me that im wrong even evil. Still I want to hear from ppl who agrees that my pain is also valid here. BTW my BIL also asked for 3L amount for new car for his cab business and i did not oppose because he never asked any help till now and I thought its fair to help him once. But for his sister, im burning with revenge from top to bottom.
     
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  2. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    No one will understand u now your feeling bcz this is not the right time to show ur ego .just think what if something goes wrong with her husband will ur husband forgive u .it will be there for life ..the help u provided her for so long gone in vain ..
    yes u should feel anger how she is acting bcz all they do is fine but we do is so wrong ..one more thing ur husband listened to u saying no and did not say anything to u is simply amazing .. so I would suggest pick the battle some other time..
     
  3. ragz2richez

    ragz2richez Bronze IL'ite

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    this is not the time for ego. His sis hubby has two kidneys failed, poor guy. Let your hubby make the decision and dont interfere esp since ego is the main sticking point here (as you wrote). Being an egomaniac will only paint you as cruel and thirsting for revenge. Not good at all.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Your feelings are also valid here. Given that the money given in the past nor this money will ever be returned, your feelings are even more valid.

    You have made many mistakes such as talking with her about the past money instead of letting only your husband handle it. Nonetheless, your reluctance to yet again give the money is understandable. That you were fine with the 3L given to BIL shows you are not "money-minded."

    When a husband and wife talk about giving money to sibling, the recipient's relationship with the giver couple matters. Now this will not sit well with anybody. But what the heck. Here goes: when one is in need, when one needs money, when one is the one receiving money, one has to swallow one's pride and try to be nice to the giver and his/her spouse. If the SIL had tried to make peace with you, had initiated contact by phone, email or text, and still you are reluctant about giving the money, that could be called being hard-hearted.

    How you should go about this, whether you are handling it the right way with husband ... that is another issue.

    More practically speaking, this many number of businesses started in past few years... SIL is most likely to keep needing money.... so, you need a long term approach to this.

    If someone is rude to my spouse and does not talk properly with him (no matter what their history), I will not continue to give money. And I can confidently say that this will be my spouse's approach too. Kidney failure and dialysis and all that being in the picture too.

    Does it help that a stranger on the internet agrees with you? Maybe not much. Calm down, try a little detachment, and see what approach you want to adopt about money given. Above all, don't let it spoil the peace in your marriage. Think about it -- if the money anyway goes but you and husband have had strong arguments.. is is worth it? So, calm down, and take the time to think about long term approach. This one time, let the money go. Let the money go, give some pause, and then, briefly calmly tell husband what you'd like to happen in future money request situations. Maybe an upper limit on money given per year to siblings can be agreed upon.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2018
    sindmani, Amica, sweetsmiley and 5 others like this.
  5. Archana11

    Archana11 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Rihana for understanding. Yes i will let the money go. My husband kept on saying, let this chance go, dont take your revenge now, let me give money, and you will definitely get another chance. He even said when we visit India, there will be get togethers or family functions where you will face her and dont talk to her. Ignore her. If anyone asks tell them what you feel and what she did. After listening all this also I was not satisfied and fought with him. Now after day long argument and accusing him, im feeling very tired and ready to sleep. Tomorrow i will not start the argument again. I will let the money go this time.
     
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  6. Archana11

    Archana11 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks. I will make peace with my ego.
     
  7. Archana11

    Archana11 Silver IL'ite

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    My husband is not amazing, why he kept quite is he knows how much I had to face accusations when i helped her. Few months back also when he sent 50k i dint say anything. Now for 2L I literally got angry. I argued like anything. I threatened him that i will leave him if he helps. He tried to convince me alot. If all the drama in the past would have not happened, he will not even allow me to open my mouth. Still I will agree only 50% with you that he is amazing because I read many posts where many hisbands are blind and they dont see how MIL and SIL are making DIL’s life hell. Here atleast he acknowledges that she did wrong and Im correct but only thing this is not the time for me to stop him.
     
  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your BIL is suffering a lot . Please have pity on him and his kids . Think of it as a good deed and how much satisfaction u will get when u are helping someone in need.

    If someone doesn't acknowledge it's their foolishness . But atleast they are asking money for genuine need and.not luxuries. atleast ur husband is helping for genuine cause. And still he is trying to convince u . U are not realising that the kind of importance u are getting is very rare, given your BILs situation . Be thankful and don't disturb Ur married life . If u are afraid about long term responsibility then have a talk with ur husband and plan properly .

    Imagine how much u have hurt Ur husband by telling that u will leave him if he gives money to his sister . Just realise her husband's both kidneys failed . How much hurt and pressured Ur husband will feel by Ur words . If Ur family member goes through that and Ur husband threatens that he will leave u if u help them because they hurt his ego sometime , how will u feel ? Isn't it a torture ? Have pity for Ur husband's feelings . Don't take for granted . You are lucky to have a loving husband . Don't spoil it for ur ego.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....this is a poison that you will have to drink even if it makes you bitter and resentful.

    I understand that your sil asking for money for business from your husband regularly and behaving bad with his wife is hurting you bad ....but this is not the time.

    Is the money being used for treatment or for her business?

    Will it help if your husband gives the money to sil's husband to help with the treatment? Will that hurt less?But that might end up costing you more.


    Are you people financially doing fine or are you scraping and saving the money that you are giving?

    If you have the money to give,then do not interfere.
    Stay out of it and take up your husband's offer to cut her out of your life . In the long run that will help more.

    Hope you feel better. Try to distract yourself from this .Hope your sil's husband gets better soon.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  10. Archana11

    Archana11 Silver IL'ite

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    Money is used for business. I need to mention one more thing, he also has 3rd stage piles and loosing lots of blood while bowel movement. He needs to undergo laser treatment which will cost 50k, when my husband asked SIL why are you neglecting she said we dont have money. He said he will arrange the amount, go for the treatment. I was ok with it, however they did not consult the doctor till now. They dont take health seriously and they never suceeded on any business till now. Everything will be left in the middle with a loss.

    Are you people financially doing fine or are you scraping and saving the money that you are giving?

    After our expenses we have only little to save and it took almost 2 years for us to save 20L which we thought of using as a downpayment for a property. You can also see my post regarding property. My FIL did not like any and we ended up having this cash on our account and now we have to donate. If we would have taken the property no one would have thought of asking. This was my wrost fear which has come true. I was not comfortable cash lying in the account because his family knows now we are in a position to give.
     

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