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Need Urgent Advice Please.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by meenu2020, Jul 10, 2020.

  1. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,

    I am married since many years.I am in mid thirties.my married life was full of ups and downs.My husband is a short tempered person. Initially it does not bother me much because he was super nice with me too.once he said hurting words to me then next moment he tries to be nice with me without even saying sorry. he helped me a lot in my career growth, he had great relationship with my parents and helpful in household too.So I did not bother much about his negative side of personality.

    Now let's come to the point,
    Due to some medical problems in both of us.I am not able to concieve. Now he blame me for everything that I have medical problems thats why we dont have baby...and I should go for tests.he does not recognize that he has problems too.our family doctor reports say soo.My gynaecologist wrote a lot of tests for pregnancy.for one of those test I have to book the appointment in hospital.ladies I am working woman .my job is full time and sometime very stressful.i was not getting appointment in hospital sometime due to work or some time they were not able to give me an appointment due to full booking.for this my husband never understand he continually blame me that I am not trying hard to do that. When I we not doing job he was always upset that I don't want to do job that is why I am not looking job....instead of the fact I try hard everyday.Now I have job he want kid and blame me if I fail to fulfil his expectations.

    ladies, I went for that test in hospital to check fillopian tubes.i felt severe pain in my part.doctor recommend me to go for other test to check the reason of severe pain in my part. So doctor did not complete it.due to this my husband was very upset that why I cry during test that doctor was not able to do the test.he was not worried about the problem happen but worried about pregnancy. now I was talking to my family doctor .he ask me for atleast five times to call back to ask questions to doctor why he is not giving me immediately appointment.why he did not follow up after sending me the prescription...bla bla...i was frustrated.when I said him that you are more worried about pregnancy rather than my health.he start throwing the things arrond and hitting himself...shouting..yelling.....and saying that i am not even listening to him about what he is saying .he gave me 1 and half hour lecture before throwing things just about calling the doctor again and again untill he agree with me for early appointment.He start hitting himself ....he slapped himself and then hold my both hands then start slapping himself with my hands...saying I am trying to kill him.I made him bad person and what not.

    He does this type of behavior before this like 2 months ago.when I ask him to check for himself after long conversation.he start throwing things and hitting himself.....and bad mouthing me...blame me and keep yelling like a mad. I am soo much frustrated with him.Even before saying as any normal thing I have to think twice.he get mad on very small issues.

    Last month I said I will leave him if he did not change ...he got mad and ask me to write it down that I am divorcing him at this date.after the fight finish he says he just want to show the psychologists that my wife has mental issues.
    Ladies I am soo much frustrated with his behaviour,feels depressed because I can't share my feelings with him for the fear of upsetting him. I have bad relationship with inlaws.my parents does not support me . I know divorce is not a easy and I saw lots of women who regret after divorce...I don't want to be one of them..I want to try hard for this marriage to work.Please give me your valuable suggestions.
    Thanks in advance.
     
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  2. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Meenu,
    Sorry to hear all this. If you have trouble getting pregnant and take treatments for that, first and foremost you have to get support and love of your husband. So before you get into that try to solve the problems with your husband. I agree that you have to try to work your marriage before jumping into divorce. That is a good start. First of all, find a good time to talk to the husband and see if he is interested in talking to a marriage counselor. Looks like your husband is probably stressed. Some amount of angry issues is with all people. But you will know when you cannot deal with it or feels enough. Hitting himself or throwing things and being violent is not okay. But it is probably fixable, if you know the root cause.
    Also, on your health related issues, if you do not get appointment with family doc, try a different doc or a specialist. It is always good to get a second opinion.

    I dint quite understand here. Was the doctor not able to complete the test? Did he tell you he will perform the test and backed off due to something?
     
    meenu2020 likes this.
  3. CuteCancer

    CuteCancer Silver IL'ite

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    IMO don't have kids until you work on your marriage.

    When you have a kid a lot of things need to be discussed regarding child care if he gets mad on very small issues it will be tough to deal.
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  4. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Angela123 for reply,
    This violent reaction is worrying me soo much...I cant take ploper sleep without pills.
    He even said to me that he would kill himself....If I did not listen to him what he say.He wants everything in his own way.If anything goes a little out of way he gets mad.I talked about counselling on that point he also get upset that Iam thinking he is mental.I am soo much frustrated with this behaviour.
    No doctor did not complete the test to check the fillopian tubes because he found some infection there and doctor felt I am feeling more pain than usual.So she says she don't want to do any damage rather than good.


     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    It is marriage counseling, for both of you. Not just for him, you will have to explain that to him and hopefully he understands. I honestly think you will have to confront him to get through this.

    This is not good. Even if he said that to threaten you, please seek help, before these fights flare up.
    Please see another doctor. These comments doesn't sound like a very professional person. Did she prescribe you a treatment? Is she a specialist? Did she at least guide you on the next steps? Even if she is, it is good to get another opinion. Also, when it comes to your health, considering the situation with your husband, deal things yourself, but get all the reports and prescriptions and keep it safe with you.
     
    drdiva likes this.
  6. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    Angela, confronting with him only make the matter worse.but listening to his tantrum for 1 or 2 hours is also a touture.If he is getting very upset....like yelling, screaming and beating himself on small issues...what will happen if I did any mistake and hurt his ego or believe system. He will not hesitate to hurt me. I am soo afraid of him.i told him about how I feel once he is calm down and later....but when he is angry he keep shouting one issue again and again and forget everything I shared with him before.
    I know counselling can help to some extent ....but for that he is not interested.



    UOTE="Angela123, post: 4189474, member: 484715"]It is marriage counseling, for both of you. Not just for him, you will have to explain that to him and hopefully he understands. I honestly think you will have to confront him to get through this.
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Tell him, you dont want to bring a child into a violent atmosphere and abusive relationship. If he want kid he has to treat you well. The stress is not good.

    If you are not getting appointment ask him to try. It's a team work. He has to do his part.

    Take a break and focus on healing the infection.

    Be firm and tell him you can not accept his behavior. Dont stay there to listen to his lecture. He may be under stress, but he need to behave like an adult. He has to treat you like a partner, not as a kid or slave.

    If you dont solve this issue, it will tough when you have a kid. It wont be an easy journey. Counseling is a good idea. When you talk ,make sure you are calm and composed. If he gets angry, tell him, if he can't talk in normal way, you are not ready to listen.
     
    meenu2020 likes this.
  8. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    I have seen lot of marriages going downhill after having kids. Baby brings joy but so much hard work, stress, responsibility. Guys don’t have that much devotion and women alone have to deal with sleepless nights, constant feeding, diaper changing, attending baby 24 hours 365 days without rest. Do you think your husband will help you with this? U will have to leave job and be dependent on your husband for money till your baby grow. Will he support you? Ask yourself.
     
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  9. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear ProudIndian,
    I have raised this question to him because in past he fight a lot with me that I am not looking for job..he used to give me the bad comments like Iam useless,worthless etc....bla bla and that time I was struggling for job too and listened his tantrums.He was jobless once and I support him a lot he never realized.Just because his parents told him that your wife is not working that's why you are in stress of leaving job.I know my in-laws are very cheap.

    When I raised the question of financial dependence after baby he say yes he will support me financially. Those are just his words.rest the time will tell.I am very much worried about having a baby. Because my husband personality is like being stressed most of the time.when he loose job he was very stressful now not having baby he is again very stressful.I have a question does he only person in the world to be stress out.who does not have stress but not everyone behave this way.I know being a mother every women's dream...but I don't see any dream...just praying for normal life.



     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2020
  10. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Bronze IL'ite

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    I thought marriage is for companionship and mutual love towards each other. It’s a relationship whose primary goal is to lead a life together. Working and financial independence all are just aspects of life and gives us satisfaction and also to lead a comfortable life.

    It’s sad that your husband is creating problems in your life. Kids will be joyful part of the life journey when you have a supportive husband. But having kids alone should not be only reason for anyone to get married; that basically destroys the marriage goal. You need both the parents to have a cordial relationship to help the child in their growth.

    Recently I heard a relative’s daughter being sent back to her home because she couldn’t conceive after being together for more than 5 years. The husband had basically just listened to his parents and blamed the girl for this infertility issues and sent her back. Isn’t it just terrible to hear such things in this century? In this incident, I was wondering to what extent do we give importance to have our own kids in our life; if we have them - it’s fine. If we don’t have them for whatever reason there is always the possibility for going through IVF or adoption. I don’t think that having a biological child is the only way that one can be a parent. There are ways to be a parent and to lead a successful married life.

    Not all have everything in life. Everyone have their own share of miseries which many just don’t share and juggle along. We don’t know what’s in our hands most of the time.

    Your husband seems to like that one. He had a loving wife who is able to help financially to the household and given that both are healthy that’s something to thank God for.

    I don’t know how you can change him unless he is willing to go for counselling. Try it and make him understand it.
     
    Angela123 likes this.

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