Need unbiased opinion

I was a silent reader for a long time. I just thought why not share my issues and get unbiased opinions here.

I am 25. I am engaged, and our marriage is fixed in October. Currently, I have absolutely no issues with my fiancee, and he is the best that happened to me in recent times. But some things that happened in my past is affecting me a lot.

Ours was a happy family until 2 years back. I was engaged with a guy then, but close to my marriage date I found out that he was already in a relationship with a girl. He was cheating both of us. I called off my marriage but it hurt me a lot. It took me a year to come out of my depression. I don't want to give full details, as I do not even want to think of all those days. I blindly trusted him, and could not believe he cheated me.

A year back when things were turning better, I found out that my dad was having an EMA. No one else knew it. I was shocked. Again I felt cheated by a man whom I saw a hero and blindly trusted him. I am unable to express how I felt at that instant I found my dad cheating my mom. I exposed him to my mom. There were lots of problems. I involved in it, tried to put some sense in my dad's brain. I even spoke to that lady. But all in vain. Finally my mom gave up. My mom now says as long as she is ignorant of what my dad is doing behind her back, she is happy and peaceful. She also asked me not to talk about this to her again and to drop it and concentrate on my marriage. I stopped talking to my dad ever since.

When I realized nothing was in my hands, I started concentrating on my carrier, and marriage. I posted my details in a matrimonial site and found my fiancee. We liked each other, our parents spoke and now our marriage is fixed.

Now I really don't have any specific problem. It's just that I feel so insecure. My fiancee knows nothing about my dad. He knows about my ex, and is OK with that. He spends all his spare time with me, he is very sweet to me, he loves me, respects my desires. He is someone I could trust blindly. But for some reason I am unable to.

I constantly have the fear that he may behave like the other guy, or my dad in the long run. It's not like I will not be able to handle it if it happens. Surprisingly, I feel I can handle it if he cheats me, and I would not think for a second if he dumps me for some other girl.

Somewhere in the last 2 years, I feel I lost my innocence. Let me tell you an example. During my previous engagement, my ex-fiancee had all my credit/debit card details, all my email ids, passwords, etc. We shared everything. But now, I am unable to do the same with my now fiancee. The other day I asked him to book a train ticket for me online. He asked my card details as there was some problem with his card. I gave him, but changed my password the next day. When I told him, I knew he was hurt, but he did not show it to me.

There are many such instances. I am not sure if I am able to put across my thoughts clearly. My question is 'Am I over-reacting? Will I ever be able to trust him like how I trusted my ex-fiancee or my dad? Are my thoughts wrong?' I just feel so insecure and confused at times. Sometimes, I feel I am constantly anticipating the day when my fiancee cheats me.

Please give me your valuable suggestions. I really need them. Thanks for reading!


Edit:

Wanted to add one more incident. Before engagement he told me that he smokes and drinks, both occasionally. I had asked him to quit smoking alone as that was injurious to health, and he obliged. Just few days back I found out that he was still smoking. This caused a big fight between us. I told him, you could have told me that you needed time to quit smoking and continued, instead of lying to me. He said he would quit smoking in a month, and did not want to hurt me, hence lied. I just could not accept it. The fact that he lied to me hurt me a lot, more than the fact he was still smoking. I just told him not to lie hereafter. These kind of incidents scares me, what if he lies to me about everything. But he told me I was over-reacting. May be, yes, I over-reacted. But was this because of my past?

 

Thank you very much for your advice. And I agree to your point that we should never trust someone blindly. Am really trying to be positive. The thing is when I speak to him, I do not show any negativity, as I do not want him to suffer for my insecurity. I just feel bad at times, after speaking to him, that I am not able to completely trust him. Many thanks for your wishes.

 

Oh yes, I spoke to him about my insecurities. He knows why I broke up with my ex-fiancee. He perfectly understands me. I told him that it will take me time to completely trust him, and he does all he can to gain my trust. A few days back, during an argument, I told him I may not believe him even after 25 years down the line. He was hurt when I told him that. I donno why I told him that. I am cautious these days not to hurt him, based on my suspicions.

 

I agree! I would never say that. I have seen men, my brothers, sisters' DH, uncles, neighbors who are perfect gentlemen. I am confident about him. It's just that sometimes, I think of my past and wonder if it would happen to me again. Anyways, I am trying to be positive now.

 

Actually, I won't mind even if he does not quit smoking. He smokes just one or two a day, and I am OK with it. Since it was less, I wanted him to stop altogether. If he is unable to quit, I don't think there is much I can do. The fact that he lied to me hurt me.

Thank you for your advice. Am trying to be positive.