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Need Some Sugesstions

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by deepabalachandran, Oct 13, 2007.

  1. deepabalachandran

    deepabalachandran New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I have been reguarly in touch with all the messages posted here. I m trying to seek some suggestions from you guys on how to move forward in my life. I got married in last jun and its now one year and 3 months. Rite from the day one of my marriage, I have never been happy with my husband both physically and mentally. For the first six months he was busy with his office work and he didnt even try to spend some time with me like taking me out, or spending time romantically nor atleast a word with love and care. Later I tried myself to push him towards me, but then he started slowly to talk to me but during nights he will say that he is tired, bos of heavy workload at office and would sleep early. rest of the time he always spends with his mobile talking to his friends and his brother. During weekends, morning he would spend nearly 2 hours with his parents in chennai through call, and then in nite he will call his brother and spend time. As days passes, i got totally frustated, and started to say upfront , that he is not fit for a married life or so.. I started to work then. I waited for long thinking he will change he will change. I explained hm couple of times with so much love and care. I made varities of dishes and he also got impressed by that. Still he didnt change his way of behaviour in the family life.. Always one or the other friend will call him. Now his brother also moved here to US, and he always calls him during nite time and speak for hours. I asked him to say that and explain his brother not to call during off hours but he will never say a word against him or his parents. Whenever I talk abt this, he started to say that I hate his family and thats why I always eep complaining abt them and at one point he started to harass me by hurting me physically. Even after first anniversary when things didnt change, I got really frustated and now its like, I lose my control and shout at the top of voice.. Even if he comes near me, i ge t tensed and lose myself.. We went to India and opened everythihng to my parents and sister, but no one is ready to get me away from me..Again they sent me back along with him. Now things are getting worser. Still he is in the same way. Whenever I ask him to take me out, he behaves like a saddist by saying that he wants to make a call and it will take only 5 min. My feeling is that why does he say that only when we get ready to go out. I dont know if I m thinking wrong or if i can behave in much softer way. In this year, I have spoken to him in much loving way to the extent I can. But when they keep repeating, I dont even like to see him. Its like, he knows well, that I lose my control very easily for whatever he says and he repeats the same. Physicall harassement is more in both ways nowadays. PLs suggest me something. Am i wrong in my thinking. I feel as if he is least bothered abt me and family life. He has never tried to have sex even once. I dont know how to take this. During nite when he dont show interest in that and when he tries to make a call, I feel he is not fit for anything. Atleast if he tried for one day in a week, I can agree. All this makes me totally frustated and bos of which my health is spoiled. my periods get delayed bos of these. He never tries to take me anywhere during weekends also. Its like I always be in this four walls other than my office work. Pls help me guys and tell me if I m wrong anywhere.

    Thanks
     
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  2. subbi

    subbi New IL'ite

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    Hai
    There is a serious problem.you need to see the doctor immedeatly. more the delay more battered.it should not be too late to comeout of marriage if nothing works
    subbi[usha]
     
  3. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear deepa,
    like how subbi says immediate intervention by a doctor's visit needed may be he is impotent and u need therapy badly, make the move fast..sunkan
     
  4. balamotwani

    balamotwani Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Deepa,

    Did you check his closets and other things in the house. Did he marry you bcos of any compulsion??? Did he have any affair before marriage or now???
    Are you sure that he is talking to his brother and other family members or to someoneelse????? Or as Sunkan says Is he Impotent and that's why? Is he a gay and he doesnt want to tell you???

    But whatever it is, physical abuse is something that no women should tolerate in todays world. Why dont you see a counsellor? I am sure your hubby will not come. But how can your parents and sisters, instead of sorting it out, they forced you to go with him? Do you know anythin else that you feel the reason for his behaviour???

    I am worried and concerned about you. Try to confide in your friend at work or any family friend who lives close by. May be they will suggest you the right way.

    Bala
     
  5. presci

    presci Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Deepa,
    Very sad to know of your problem. Going to docor is one option , but where is the question of going to doctor when he does not take you out. The other option may be that he might have someother girl's company whom he would've desired to get married. Find out that first, but never doubt at any person without valid reason or proof. Or he might not be interested in family life. I will tell you one real incident about my friend. My friend had got married first at the age of 19 to a man of age 33. It was an arranged marriage by parents and relatives. The wedding took place at kerala and as the girl's side was staying in chennai, they invited their friends from chennai. So the wedding took place well and the groom was working in abudhabi. Since this proposal was through the girl's aunt, her parents did not consult anywhere. After marriage he flew off after 17 das saying that he will take her next year and asked to apply for passport. After he reached there he was not sending letters or money to her. The next year summer holidays came and the guy instead of coming to chennai where his wife is, flew directly to his native. The girl's mother was talking about his to her neighbour, who had attended the wedding and she told her what had happened. Then after 2 days the neighbour came with the proof that this man was already married and staying with him in his workplace. See what happened, then immediately the girl's mother applied for a divorce. Luckily she had no issues. THe divorce took place after 3 years.
    I am not asking to doubt straightaway, but this is a fashion with Indians who are staying abroad. You move closely with his people so that you can get their support and something bad can be prevented.
    Praying to GOD that you and your husband will unite at the earliest.
    Luv,
    Presci
     
  6. varasangam

    varasangam New IL'ite

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    Hi Deepa,

    Sad to hear your story, what subbu and others have said are true. First thing you should determine is that IS THERE ANOTHER WOMAN in your husband's life? or IS HE GAY? if your marriage has not been consummated, this is a serious issue and you have to take things and see what is going wrong and where.

    I would also suggest that you have a frank chat with your parents and your in parents-in-laws and make them aware of the situation and take them into confidence.

    Before you do anything, please calm down and think with a cool mind. Note down your husband's behavior and even better keep a track of his phone calls and his daily routine , that way your will be able to analyze the situation and take some into confidence like a common friend or even a close friend at your work place to give your moral support. Also contact your local CAB for any assistance or counseling.

    Good luck
     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    As other have said. There is something else cooking up here.
    You dont have to tolerate his violence and you also dont have to initiate violence. There are two aspects of this problem, one is emotional and other one is real. So first handle "Real" part than confusing it with "Emotional" part.

    Here are few thing you should be doing to estimate "Real" issue:

    - Try to smartly search thru his stuff. Phone records, Credit card records, Frends. And get to know about his past. If he had an affair and all.
    - Try to follow his internet activity.
    - Try all possible ways you can, to know if he jerks off before sleeping. Or how this man handles his sexuality.

    Emotinal aspect, I would say. for now just keep that on hold. Your husband may be in some "tabooed zone" of inidan definitions. As others said, "Gay, Impotent, anything "
    Whatever yoour search leads to, Just be patient. Dont confront immediately. Gather ur stuf and move out for sometime. Your side seems like not willing to support you. Since you are working here, I would assume you can support urself for sometime. Then after you think calmly , you can take ur next step.
    - no point arguing with somebody, who is clearly not valuing u.
     
  8. shantamallela

    shantamallela New IL'ite

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    here are some suggestions.
    1. be calm. try to make friends with his friends and see if there are any things going on. Call him at work and try to find somone you happen to know and try to get more details about him from work. like he a little reserved or strange or any thing It is important to get more info about him a lot about the bank balance and transactions unusual. until you find this you try to be calm and cool. hopefully you will find something about him.
    Good luck.
    shanta
     

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