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Need some perspective. after 5 years of marriage..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by madeinindia, Jun 15, 2010.

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  1. Jun 16, 2010 #31
    shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Madeinindia

    Just want to give you a big hug. No one should ever comment like that, its just not acceptable. Sorry that you have to go through it. You know the best part about you is when people asked you to give your husband space and stop trying to change him, you saw the problem and accepted it. This shows your maturity level.

    All the very best my friend. I wish you a very happy life ahead.

    regards
     
    shivachoubey, Jun 16, 2010
    shivachoubey, Jun 16, 2010
    #31
  2. Jun 16, 2010 #32
    rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Yeah he is still controlling finances like a maniac, but when it comes to planning parties, investing in property, deciding on schools for DS, deciding on shopping for gadgets etc, he never bothers. I decide all that..
     
    rosegirl, Jun 16, 2010
    rosegirl, Jun 16, 2010
    #32
  3. Jun 16, 2010 #33
    Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Hmm...Bit of a weird dynamic. But as long as the dynamic works, its the one for you guys.
     
    Spiderman1, Jun 16, 2010
    Spiderman1, Jun 16, 2010
    #33
  4. Jun 16, 2010 #34
    Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Gauri said it really very nicely a thumbs up to her post..

    OP-you have to make sure you dont let him feel what you feel for him, even if you feel it is true.. Because losing self esteem is a big thing for man

    Now I am divided a bit on Gauri's post as to how one cannot be critical even if it is constructive criticism if one keeps living all the time and seeing things happening which are bothering... in married life.. but anyways, one need to balance it out with positive notes too I agree on that...

    Your feelings are justified as you wanted to be with someone who can take a lead in life , who you can confidently say will get things done, his laid back attitude does not mean he cannot get things done. Such people(who are laid back) have the quality which go-getters people have, its only that it comes out when they really want to and not in every day life...or in every situation. They would wait to show their go -getter self if they are challenged by someone. But otherwise they wont worry to prove to some one that they can get things done...
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2010
    Tridev, Jun 16, 2010
    Tridev, Jun 16, 2010
    #34
  5. Jun 16, 2010 #35
    Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Marriage is tricky, isn't it? Egos are fragile and often when one is having a hard time in life, the last thing you want is for your partner to point out your error to you. Even if you know you are wrong, you just want them to make you feel like they are on your side. Most fights are never about what is being discussed at that moment, they are about perceptions. The wife perceives the husband as being against her and taking a stand for his parents. She doesn't care about fairness and justice at that moment. She just wants her husband on her side no matter how wrong her own conduct was. When I get angry with my in-laws the first thing my husband says is, 'I am on your side and I understand what you are saying'. That diffuses the tension between us and gives me a chance to reflect on my anger which usually fizzles out. My DH is a smart man and we rarely ever fight. This is why I say putting a positive spin on things always helps, criticism does not. The right time to bring up criticism is when both partners are in a receptive frame of mind. Timing matters a great deal.

    The OP needs to take the same gentle approach with her husband. Most people know what their flaws are. The OP's husband gets picked on by his boss and colleagues and also by his own parents. It must be very hard for him to hear criticism from his wife too. She needs to be supportive of him and gradually build up his self confidence if she ever wants to see him stand up for himself. A man's family is his refuge. A place where he comes back at the end of the day to feel like he is wanted and needed. If he feels emasculated by an uber competitive wife, even at home, will it not crush his spirit?

    MadeinIndia, Sarma rightly pointed out that you dream of an alpha-male hubby but you don't realize that you are not the kind of woman who could be happy with such a man. It would definitely be a very exciting life but it would be like being on a roller-coaster with just as many steep lows as exhilarating highs. Such men usually do well with submissive wives and you don't seem to be one.

    As far as the in-laws go, they will only interfere as much as you let them. A polite but firm, 'Thank you dad, but we can handle this' will take care of most of your problems. How can they take your future kids? My MIL says it all the time but I just smile at her and say, 'Mummy I'm sure my baby can live without me and you will take good care of him but how will I live without him?' That puts an end to any such discussion. But for all this to work, you need your hubby to be your ally and that will take patience and empathy.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2010
    Gauri03, Jun 16, 2010
    Gauri03, Jun 16, 2010
    #35
  6. Jun 16, 2010 #36
    Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    How old are you Gauri? Just kidding :) Profound wisdom and if you are saying your DH is smart and this has helped you, that guy is seriously a bloke who knows how to make marriages work. Ask him to write a book on it, will you? :thumbsup
     
    Spiderman1, Jun 16, 2010
    Spiderman1, Jun 16, 2010
    #36
  7. Jun 16, 2010 #37
    ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    MII your next post marked a lot of similarities of subtle and large scale harassment that I had to deal with in addition to a bimbette SIL who just made mountains of mole.... anyhow... yes it does leave a confident person battered and all these acts are done out of inferiority complexes... once you understand this, your confidence levels shall revive. Pls continue taking lead roles cos such husband love to be ruled.. its just their family who cant digest it.. cos they raised a SUBMISSIVE child for a safer old age.

    No outsider can come between if you happily accept the spouse as he/she is. However when family members (parents/inlaws) turn into worst enemy the battle becomes murkier and painful. All the best :thumbsup.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2010
    ShilpaMa, Jun 16, 2010
    ShilpaMa, Jun 16, 2010
    #37
  8. Jun 16, 2010 #38
    ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Rose this was ditto to me, however I did smell some souls burning into charcoal if I were taking decisions hence my decisions were implemented with just sufficient time (maybe mins or hrs).. even before they could be transferred on call and a new learning be imparted back from his FOO :crazy.................

    There were times when we shall goto gas station at 6am toss the coin and start on a 500KM plus journey. No hotels booked or route aware of... just reading maps & instant decisions........This time the cribbing was we were not informed on whereabouts :biglaugh:biglaugh:bonk.... We were not aware ourselves.
     
    ShilpaMa, Jun 16, 2010
    ShilpaMa, Jun 16, 2010
    #38
  9. Jun 16, 2010 #39
    Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

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    Shilpa, That sounds hilarious :biglaugh
     
    Vennella, Jun 16, 2010
    Vennella, Jun 16, 2010
    #39
  10. Jun 17, 2010 #40
    SreeSri

    SreeSri Gold IL'ite

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    MII quoted my story where I am in her shoes and my spouse is in HIS shoes :) lol..

    at least 80%
     
    SreeSri, Jun 17, 2010
    SreeSri, Jun 17, 2010
    #40
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