Need some perspective. after 5 years of marriage..

Dear MadeinIndia,

Each and everyone lives their life differently. You have a different take on life and so does your husband. Would you like it if it was other way around??? Like you husband asking you to quit socializing or asking you not to be proactive. No you won't like it, because this is your basic nature. You will agree to make some adjustments but after a while you will want to live your life the way you want to.

From your post it is clear that your DH is a nice guy and he does care for you. There is nothing wrong in you being the proactive partner. Go out with him and socialize and have your fun.

You can once in a while give him friendly suggestions like how to make more friends but honestly if he does not have it in him, it will be bit difficult for him to open up.

As for work related issues, give advise only when he discuss with you. He is an adult and he has listen to you before about how he should be at the work place but still he did not change. Let him deal with his work place issues himself.

You can make this relationship beautiful if you accept him the way he is and stop trying to change him (I know you have tried this). You will reach your inner peace and so will he. Once the pressure to constantly perform is off from his head he might try to look at the thing from a different angle and start making changes himself.

My dear friend, we all have an idea how others should live their life but that might not be the way others think.

For few days try finding something nice to say to him. You say he is nice so it means there must few good things you guys shared, for a break just stop asking him to change.

All the best.

regards

 

Wow, Gauri it is again :bowdown Excellent post.

It is very difficult for quite a few Indian men to accept type-A girls and that causes a lot of conflicts which hasnt happened in madeinindia's marriage, thats a big positive - and Gauri has said it very well.

 

All said and done - I wont say it is the 'hunky dory' 'all roses' great marriage. The truth may be that madeinindia can have found a better compatible partner...perhaps, but thats all hypothetical now.

Here this is what they chose, and now just go on to find a way to make a living that is reasonably happy. That essentially boils down to dont "force change" people, it wont work.

 

Hi madeinindia,

I have read many posts where DW say that they are treated like slaves or maids and I feel very sorry for them...
But after reading your post I am happy that you are the manager or advisor and its really great being that compared to slave or maid...
Isnt it? Try to be contented and happy with what you have rather than imposing your expectation on him...
He is your partner and you need to accept him(because you committed unless you dont want a divorce) the way he is till he thinks that he should change his personality because his wife doesnt like the manager post..
What if he thinks or expects you to be just opposite of what you are??Will you be able to change it for him???I believe its difficult to change ones traits...JMO

 

Look at the brighter side, you have a say in all the important things of your family life. Not everyone is so fortunate having a say about things that dictate their personal lives, finances, children, career and so on.

I believe, careers and work should be separated from personal lives. Neither me nor my wife bother even if there are some messy issues going on at our work place - unless we actively seek each others' opinion. This works wonderfully for us and there is no reason why it should not work for you.

Lastly each one of us is different. We carry both good and bad qualities in us. Some of us agree on our shortcomings and try to work on them and some of us don't feel the need to change. Since you already explained your perspective to your husband regarding being proactive, socializing and taking lead, you should not overdo it. It is very important that we should not make other person feel stifled and constrained. We can only tell what we feel and may insist that others comply but beyond that there is no point in pushing any further.

Also there are always better ways to get things done other than using blunt force. I would suggest, you list down all the good qualities that you see in him and appreciate him for that. Stop criticizing him altogether and always try to see the positives in him for some months, till he begins to feel positive about himself. Once he starts to feel positive and confident, you can slowly express what is bothering you (one at a time) and I am sure most males (including me) would like to listen (and apply) when their wives are nice to them.

 

Spidy letting off steam with a stranger means various ways of getting comfortable with your partner... either physical or emotional or buying time before commitment. In arranged marriages first commitment is made and then a process to get comfortable and open up.

Context for this topic is... there was a mention that these days people speak a lot of truth about themselves to their perspective partner in DEKHO ceremonies... I will say they were simply lucky:coffee... and one can find all the answers in such meeting even before a commitment is made. Even if you go for a supermarket and have not eaten enough Kellogs :crazy(brain mein iron ki kami nahin hai) then you will miss an item without a list.. and will need a revisit.

How many arranged setups allow revisits to explore and or a person sitting with list.. to finalise on a commitment. Hence in order to get every little perfection on your partner one needs to be growing up in a society where a commmitment can be done only after getting comfortable with a person.
Eg: if a bride expects with a get-goer quality of a husband......... a groom might be looking for a best mate in the bed... so should this particular steam be let off before a commitment for marriage? What exploration is primary importance to a man and a woman is their choice.

There was a reason to say YES or commit to an arranged marriage on minimal questions.. reason being overall picture looked good.... one should revisit their decision to find an answer to themselves.

 

Shilpa, I believe people have started revisiting the commitments after engagement and before wedding that there are several broken engagements.

 

Gauri, yours is one charming and nicely drafter post. I am very much pleased to see how mature, positive, optimistic and balanced your posts are and I am planning to read all your posts this weekend. Keep helping others, your perspective is like a whiff of fresh air :thumbsup

 

yes CW, all patterns are existing in all society from time immemorial.... what matters is do you as an individual have the energy and clarity to sort out everything in the first go itself? Those who are very clear on what they want they dont let situations go out of control..... arranged marriages are like giving control of your life to others to take decisions for you (partially/ fully).

Sometimes only later you realise the mess and either attain strength and clarity to fix issues or accept destiny. Certain people will agree that even though they got the hints of whats in store they were simply being tagged as judgemental types cos a lot was already at stake... or they were clouded with silver linings of the current proposal... or their current priority.