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Need some perspective. after 5 years of marriage..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by madeinindia, Jun 15, 2010.

  1. madeinindia

    madeinindia New IL'ite

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    hello All,
    I have been reading IL for a while and find this to be an excellent resource with some really amazing women. I have been to therapy..but still I feel advise that is given here might be better :)
    Anyways, here's my story..
    I got married about 5 years ago, it was an arranged marriage...I am very smart and highly educated ..(sorry for the self-praise)..and average looking. My parents had been looking for matches for a while and nothing was working out..so there was some pressure to get married..
    I really liked my husband when I met him..we only met once but chatted a lot..I really liked his parents too..However, marriage turned out to be a series of disappointments and continues to remain a struggle for me.
    My husband is a nice guy...but he lacks drive, social skills and is not "full of life" like I would have wanted in my life-partner. This might sound egoistical...but I constantly feel like I am doing all the thinking in this marriage. Added to that my mother-in-law turned out to be very emotionally unstable and makde my life hell for the inital couple of years. Things are ok with my in-laws now though. But I was put through a lot of torture with my husband not standing by me and it still feels like a nightmare. We separated for a month a year ago, but my husband came back and said that he did love me. This needs a separte post of its own..but never mind..things are ok now.
    I am still stuggling day to day with my husband now though. He is a very nice guy and has started being very helpful in the house tasks ever since he came back..when I am sick he does everything for me. he tells me he loves me everyday..and we do in a way. I love him too and can't see him sad or in pain.
    However, the following things bother me day to day and prevent me from being happy :
    1. My husband is not proactive - I feel like if I don't drive things like buying a car, cleaning the house, going out with friends..our live will be at a standstill. Its exhasuting to be the "manager" always..I don't trust hi m to "get things done" till I pester him - and naturalyl, pestering leads to fights.

    2. I have always had a great friend circle and believe in socializing and having fun. Even without friends..I am more outgoing - like to try new things..have lots of hobbies etc. My husband on the other hand is bad at keeping in touch with his one or two friends, his relatives etc. He does not seem to need any social interaction. he is happy to go to work, come home and watch TV. He does like going to the gym though. When I do organize outings..he does his best to participate though. But he does not "connect" with any of our friends and I feel like the organizer always. He is a very likeable guy , but even when my friends' husbands show an interest in forming a deeper friendship with him, his response is so lukewarm that interest eventually fades. All he has is formal friendships. As a result, I long for deeper relations with other couples and miss taht aspecta nd feel lonely.

    3. In oru careers also, I feel I am much smarter. He seems overwhelmed, lacks good communication skills and always feels like he is being pciked on. I advise him to be cool and relaxed, after all we dhould enjoy our work also...but he is not so happy at work either. His managers constantly criticize him for lack of leadership, initiative (which is excatly my issue with him) - but he does not do anything to change it. He jsut thinks that if he works harder things will happen. But in our workplace, interacting well with others and communicating your ideas is as important as working hard.
    here aalso I feel like I am always teh "advisor".

    These might seem like petty problems, but they prevent us from having a great relationship. I am constantly looking at his lack of initiative and am rude to him about it..I feel tired of being the one to make things happen..
    But this is not a reason for divorce right? I want to find my happy place in this marriage..I know that marriage means givign each other space and accepting your spouse as they are..but I miserably fail to apply this philosophy..it is so hard...Can someone please help me!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2010
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  2. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    madeinindia,

    Few guys generally do not talk at all. My hubby was also like that when we got married,but I always had a big friends circle. I realised few people are like that, so i changed myself to a certain extent. We were just at home on weekends, spent the tiem only for us and I did not push him to do anything. I conversed a lot with him, initially it was difficult, his answers will all be one word or max one line :). But things changed slowly and today he is talkative than me. My MIL keeps saying the credit goes to me for making him so lively, coz he never used to talk much to his parents also before.

    Apart from not conversing much and not socialising he was a great partner to me. So I had confidence I can make the changes and it worked. As long as you husband is good to you, you can bring in the change. All that you need is patience and a lot of conversation.

    One more piece to mention is, we do not let our work things into our life. We park it outside and do not discuss on official things. We do discuss some funny and intresting things happened at work place, but never exchange opinion 'you could have done like this or You didn't do it right'.

    Definitely small things but will make lot of difference.
     
  3. ArunaSashi

    ArunaSashi Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi MII,
    Am not sure how to change the nature of a person.. :confused2:

    Since you have a preference of a certain type of personality, you should have discussed it with him before agreeing to marry him.. Though you can't assess it in few meetings, you could have asked him about how outgoing he is and how sociable he is.. Nowadays i think people don't lie about it, as they too need compatibility..

    Think about what he is going through.. In his mind, i'll be like.. "She doesn't like me the way I am.. I have so many shortcomings.. I didn't cheat her saying am outgoing, why does she treat me like I did? May be I like to be laidback, that's my choice of how I would like to live!! and don't I have a right to choose how I want to live??? "
     
  4. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    MII,
    Every person is different in this world. Your marriage lacks appreciation. You can't expect Mr.Right always in other's person and things in your own way. Why don't you think in your husband's angle?What does he thinks about you??Constant nagging leads to an unhappy marriage.
    Always dont try to correct him, afterall he is your life partner. Try to accept the hard things, may be he is smart in other aspects than you. He may not be a boss, but deifnitely without subordinates, a boss can't achieve his goals. Always praise him for any achievements. Try tell in a positive way about proactiveness in life and advantanges of socializing himself. He is good human and he loves you a lot. We have lot of IL's who are longing for husband's love and attention.
    Try see your life in a positive way, and see the brighter side of life!
     
  5. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    and some amazing men too :hiya:hiya:hiya
    :biglaugh


    Ditto!!!

    Look madeinindia, In short - you are making your DH's life miserable. So, you really need to stop doing that.

    You had an arranged marriage, after lot of proposals didnt go through, whatever...BUT - you married this guy. This guy is a certain way. You are not going to be able to change the fundamental aspect of the guy.

    You can make incremental changes, which I think has happened. But really if I were in his place, I'd be TREMENDOUSLY bugged if you keep picking like that.


    My suggestion:

    1. Ease off
    2. Accept his laidback attitude - thats the guy. Maybe this is not your first choice for type of partner, but you decided and said ok, and married the guy. You still have a choice if you want to divorce him, but unless you are hellbent on divorce, suggestion is to accept and move forward.
    3. You can make incremental changes with positive reinforcement, but dont expect dramatic, holistic changes.

    Some people are laidback and introverted. Its in the personality of the person.
     
  6. shrikala

    shrikala Senior IL'ite

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    1. some people are contended with whatever they have and dont even think about getting anything else. i do not have a clue to help you with this. but you can start by stop pestering him and just do everything yourself, he will eventually catch up. e.g. buying a car, do the research, choose make, model whatnot and just ask him to come along to the dealerships...
    2. :hide: i'm afraid i am like your DH in this case. dont like to mingle, dont like parties, like to stay at home and watch tv. no matter how much ever people try to get close, i am just not able to connect with everyone. rarely i would find someone that i become close friends with.
    I guess it is people's nature and it would really take a lot of sessions with a good therapist to change this nature. you organize parties at your home and invite many couples, invite many couples for outing, picnic, camp, movies. people keep moving and you may not have the same friends in the same city forever. make the best use of time and start with having fun before looking for a deep relation.
    3. As radha said dont discuss office at home. just be there for him to comfort when he has bad days at office.
    Please don't take this offensively i am just trying to give you a perspective. firstly dont keep thinking you are smarter than your husband or anyone else for that matter. a smart person will be able to handle any situation. you are not able to handle this situation in marital life. agreed you are smart in studies, career, social life, finance, etc, etc.
    before you say anything rude to him, think how would you feel when he says that to you. do a rehersal in your mind before you speak.
    Your concerns CAN be reason for divorce if you are going crazy and also driving him crazy.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2010
  7. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Firstly like shrikala said - this is not a guy or girl thing. Some girls are like this as well. Its just personality.

    I dont believe this calls for a "therapist" - there is nothing fundamentally wrong with your husband.
    He may be an introvert.
    He may not be an ambitious person or a great communicator.

    These are personality traits which can be incrementally changed (or sometimes cannot change). But they are not a "therapist" type problem so pls. dont subject him to needless nonsense.

    Divorce may be extreme for this situation that madeinindia described. But then again, if it is a complete mismatch - only the couple can decide on that finally. Sounds overkill to me to go for a divorce, but then again, we can only say so much.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2010
  8. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    BTW - what is the reason you guys separated for a while? If there are fundamental reasons for that, have that been addressed? Or are the reasons same as the ones you have already listed here?
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Well you can never make a lasting circular tower out of a square foundation... also to understand the depth of a foundation you need to let off a lot of steam to get closeness to comprehend a few realities of your partner.. till then there's a lot of faking and over-estimation with or without knowledge.

    These are a few shortcomings of an arranged marriage where a lot of audience also judges what's best for you... probably to get a MRS.RIGHT or MR. RIGHT one needs to be born in an open society where letting off steam with mutiple partners is just acceptable in order for the best selection for final marriage. Many a times arranged marriage comes as a saviour to an unnecessary usage of a partner in the name of exploration.

    Choice is yours.. if you feel that the reason is sufficient for divorce then think about ladies who have virtual managers at home and decide everything for them.. its really hard to find everything in moderation in life that just suits your requirement.
     
  10. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    ^ shilpama,
    what is letting off steam mean here with respect to this topic?
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2010

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