Need some advice about divorce

Re: Need some advice!!!

hi Shal,

its sad to see ur post, but i want to suggest u one thing before taking such a big step like divorce try to know the reason y he is behaving like this may be some negative from ur side which is needed to be clarified by u only. one thing i can't understand how u didn't talk for one whole year he stays with u, is it a joint family or living with in laws, if u have some other members living with both of u they mght be knowing some reason. before filing divorce try to know the reason talk to his parents or siblings may be u can get to know. whatever reasons u have put up why u want to go for divorce that is sufficient and advocate can add some more points to make it strong noe ipc is liberal for divorce u have many reason for divorce which includes ur point too. but in any case try to avpid divorce today u amy feel this is the only way afterwards u may regret. i will tell u one real life near my house one widow was staying she got her all daughters married by herself to very good families all of them are beautiful. last daughter is beautiful like rose she got married to advocate who don't earn too much but have his own shop they were happy suddenly she compared herself with her sister's life and relations spoilt even that man also got spoilt drinking started. she filed divorce case went for 2yrs then they got time from court to try again for 1yr now they are happily living. what happened this period when case was going on both of them face bad aspects bcoz of their case. they are really happy.. so i think first u try everything, try to start talking to him go near him follow some strategy that he get a feeling that he needs u may be u can save ur marriage. some problem is hidden which u r not able to make out try to know that. divorce now a days is not at all difficult but saving marriage is very difficult. i hope things go well with u.

bye
padma

 

Re: Need some advice!!!

hi Sha,

now i got u. u r not going to get any help from his parents or siblings, i think he regrets that he did love marriage mad person spoiling his life himself. as u said u avoid looking at each other and continuously for one year its too much and very painful. once try to ask ur parents also, i future they may blame u ask their advice. still i want something wonderful happen and he comes back to u.

take care
padma

 

Re: Need some advice!!!

Hmm... There seems like some missing link. How all of sudden you both have "no love" left for each other.
I have few points to add..
1. Ur husband's family may be poisoning his mind. But I am not sure, why would he pay heed now, since he got married to you.
2. You should have your own reasons to seek divorce. I mean just bcos he's insensitive , you should n't spoil your marriage. Guys really need to be trained to be good husband. Most of the times, mothers just teach their kids how to be good son.. they usually never teach them, how to be good husband. Its usually wife's job to train them to be good husband.
3. For some reason I see ego coming in here. Do you think just becos you are earning , you can be happy after divorce. Your decision will affect your parent's an sibliong's life too. Do involve them in decision. Dont share this with hubby, but consult in detail with your side. Since they will also have to answer from your behalf. I know its suffocatign. But That's how indian society goes.
4. You need to forgo your ego and just play good wife for some time.. Do thing he liked in you during courtship.. You need to rekindle the love you had before.
5. By filing divorce , you will labeling yourself, "not fit for marriage" in general for Indian society. Nobody tries to understand, the genuine reason behind break-up. people just assume.. something must be wrong in you. Thats why I am even jotting down ways to work out a marriage.
I mean, if husband is violant or cheating types.. then if someone seeks divorce , its understandable. But just becos you guys dont have that great love now.. Thats no reason to go for this extreme step.
6. Have you seriously thought consequences of it for your life? I mean , visulaise attending cousin's wedding, and relative talking about your status in hindsight.. How mush hurting it would be for your parents and yourself.
If little effort can save this marriage .. do it..

 

Re: Need some advice!!!

Came across this true incident.....helps rekindles the magic of wedded bliss...
___________________________________________________________________________

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn¢t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could h ardly give her a satisfactory answer; she
had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew. I did'nt love her anymore.I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected<SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","\u003cbr\>\n\u003cspan\>to\u003c/span\> see. To me her cry was actually a kind of\nrelease. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several \u003cspan\>weeks\u003c/span\> seemed to be firmer and clearer now. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nThe next day, I came back home very late and found her \u003cspan\>writing\u003c/span\> something at the table. I \u003cspan\>did'nt\u003c/span\> have supper \u003cspan\>but\u003c/span\>\nwent straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast \u003cspan\>because\u003c/span\>\nI was tired after an eventful day with Dew.* When I woke up, she was\nstill there at the table \u003cspan\>writing\u003c/span\>. *I just\ndid not care so I turned over and was \u003cspan\>asleep\u003c/span\>\nagain. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nIn the morning she presented her divorce conditions: \u003cspan\>she\u003c/span\> didn't want anything from me, but needed a\nmonth's* notice before the divorce. *She requested that in that \u003cspan\>one\u003c/span\> month we both struggle to live as normal a\nlife as \u003cspan\>possible\u003c/span\>. Her reasons were simple:\nour son had his\u003cbr\>\n\u003cspan\>exams\u003c/span\> in a months time and she \u003cspan\>did'nt\u003c/span\> want to disrupt* him with our broken\nmarriage. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nThis was agreeable to me. *But she had something more, \u003cspan\>she\u003c/span\> asked me to recall how I had carried her into\nout \u003cspan\>bridal\u003c/span\> room on our wedding day.* She\nrequested that everyday for the month's duration I \u003cspan\>carry\u003c/span\>\nher out of our bedroom to the front door ever\u003cbr\>\n\u003cspan\>morning\u003c/span\>. *I thought she was going crazy. *\nJust to \u003cspan\>make\u003c/span\> our last days together\nbearable I accepted her* odd request. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nI told Dew \u003cspan\>ab\u003c/span\> out my wife s divorce\nconditions. She \u003cspan\>laughed\u003c/span\> loudly and thought\nit was absurd. No matter \u003cspan\>what\u003c/span\> tricks she\napplies, she has to face the divorce, \u003cspan\>she\u003c/span\>\nsaid scornfully. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nMy wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my \u003cspan\>divorce\u003c/span\>\nintention was explicitly expressed. *So when I \u003cspan\>carried\u003c/span\>\nher out on the first day, we both appeared \u003cspan\>clumsy\u003c/span\>.\nOur son clapped behind us, daddy is \u003cspan\>holding* mummy\u003c/span\>\nin his arms. His words brought me a sense of ",1]);//--></SCRIPT>
to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I did'nt have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his
exams in a months time and she did'nt want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever
morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew ab out my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of<SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","\u003cspan\>pain\u003c/span\>.\nFrom the bedroom to the sitting room, then to \u003cspan\>the\u003c/span\>\ndoor, I walked over ten meters with her in my \u003cspan\>arms\u003c/span\>.\nShe closed her eyes and said softly; \u003cspan\>don¢t\u003c/span\>\ntell \u003cspan\>our\u003c/span\> son about the divorce. I nodded,\nfeeling somewhat\u003cbr\>\n\u003cspan\>upset\u003c/span\>. I put her down outside the door. She\nwent to \u003cspan\>wait\u003c/span\> for the bus to work. I drove\nalone to the office.\u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nOn the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my\nchest. I could smell the fragrance of \u003cspan\>her\u003c/span\>\nblouse. I realized that I \u003cspan\>hadn¢t\u003c/span\> looked at\nthis \u003cspan\>woman\u003c/span\> carefully for a long time. I \u003cspan\>realised\u003c/span\> she was \u003cspan\>not\u003c/span\>\nyoung any more. There were fine wrinkles on \u003cspan\>her*\nface\u003c/span\>, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its \u003cspan\>toll\u003c/span\> on her. *For a minute I wondered what I had\ndone\u003cbr\>\n\u003cspan\>to\u003c/span\> her. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nOn the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a \u003cspan\>sense\u003c/span\>\nof intimacy returning. *This was the woman \u003cspan\>who* had\u003c/span\>\ngiven ten years of her life to me. * On the fifth \u003cspan\>and\u003c/span\>\nsixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy \u003cspan\>was\u003c/span\>\ngrowing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. * It \u003cspan\>became\u003c/span\>\neasier to carry her as the month slipped by.* Perhaps the everyday\nworkout made me stronger. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nShe was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried \u003cspan\>on\u003c/span\> quite a few dresses but could not find a\nsuitable \u003cspan\>one\u003c/span\>. Then she sighed, all my\ndresses have grown \u003cspan\>bigger\u003c/span\>. *I suddenly\nrealized that she had grown so \u003cspan\>thin\u003c/span\>, that\nwas the reason why I could carry her more \u003cspan\>easily\u003c/span\>.*\nSuddenly it hit me. She had buried so much pain and \u003cspan\>bitter\u003c/span\>\nness in her heart.* Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nOur son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time \u003cspan\>to\u003c/span\> carry mum out. * To him, seeing his father\ncarrying \u003cspan\>his\u003c/span\> mother out had become an\nessential part of his \u003cspan\>",1]);//--></SCRIPT> pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don¢t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat
upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.


On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn¢t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realised she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done
to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me. She had buried so much pain and bitter ness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his <SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","life\u003c/span\>. *My wife\ngestured to our son to come closer \u003cspan\>and* hugged\u003c/span\>\nhim tightly. I turned my face away because I \u003cspan\>was\u003c/span\>\nafraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in\nmy arms, walking from the bedroom,\u003cbr\>\n\u003cspan\>through\u003c/span\> the sitting room, to the hallway.\nHer \u003cspan\>hand* surrounded\u003c/span\> my neck softly and\nnaturally. I held her \u003cspan\>body\u003c/span\> tightly, it was\njust like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. * \u003cbr\>\nOn the last \u003cspan\>day\u003c/span\>, when I held her in my arms\nI could hardly move a* step. Our son had gone to school.* I held her\ntightly and said, I \u003cspan\>had'nt\u003c/span\> noticed that\nour \u003cspan\>life\u003c/span\> lacked intimacy. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nI drove to office... jumped out of the car \u003cspan\>swiftly*\nwithout\u003c/span\> locking the door. I was \u003cspan\>afra\u003c/span\>\nid any delay would \u003cspan\>make\u003c/span\> me change my\nmind... I walked upstairs. Dew \u003cspan\>opened\u003c/span\> the\ndoor and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do \u003cspan\>not\u003c/span\>\nwant the divorce anymore.* She looked at me, astonished. Then touched \u003cspan\>my* forehead\u003c/span\>. *Do you have a fever? She said. *I\nmoved her\u003cbr\>\n\u003cspan\>hand\u003c/span\> off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said\u003cspan\>, *I\u003c/span\> won't \u003cspan\>divorce\u003c/span\>.\n*My marriage life was boring probably because \u003cspan\>she\u003c/span\>\nand I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love\neach other any more. Now I \u003cspan\>\u003cspan\>realise\u003c/span\>\u003c/span\>\nthat since I carried her into my home on our \u003cspan\>wedding\u003c/span\>\nday I am supposed to hold her until death do \u003cspan\>us\u003c/span\>\napart. *Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave \u003cspan\>me*\na\u003c/span\> loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into \u003cspan\>tears\u003c/span\>. I walked downstairs and drove away. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\nAt the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of \u003cspan\>flowers\u003c/span\> for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what\nto \u003cspan\>write\u003c/span\> on the card. I smiled \u003cspan\>and* wrote\u003c/span\>, I'll carry you out every morning\nuntil death do\u003cfont color\u003d\"blue\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"color:blue\"\> \u003c/span\>",1]);//--></SCRIPT>life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom,
through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I had'nt noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afra id any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her
hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realise that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do <SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","\u003c/font\>us\napart. \u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/b\>\u003c/p\>\n\u003cp\>\u003cb\>\u003cfont color\u003d\"blue\" face\u003d\"Goudy Old Style\" size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold;font-size:12pt;color:blue\"\>*\u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/b\>The\nsmall details of your lives are what really matter\u003cspan\>in\u003c/span\>\na relationship. *It is not the mansion, the car,\u003cspan\>property\u003c/span\>\n, the money in the bank, *\u003cspan\>blah..\u003cspan\>blah\u003c/span\>\u003c/span\>..\n\u003cspan\>blah\u003c/span\>.* \u003c/p\>\n\u003cb\>\u003cfont face\u003d\"Goudy Old Style\" size\u003d\"3\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-weight:bold;font-size:12pt\"\>These\ncreate an environment conducive for happiness \u003cspan\>but\u003c/span\>\ncannot give happiness in themselves. *So find time \u003cspan\>to\u003c/span\>\nbe your spouse's friend and do those little things* for each other that\nbuild intimacy. *Do have a real happy marriage! \u003cbr\>\n*\u003cbr\>\nIf you don't share this, nothing will happen to you,\u003cfont color\u003d\"blue\"\>\u003cspan style\u003d\"color:blue\"\> \u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>but if you do, you just might\nsave a marriage. \u003cbr\>\n\u003cbr\>\n- Author unknown -\u003c/span\>\u003c/font\>\u003c/b\>\n\u003cpre cols\u003d\"72\"\>-- \nWarm regards\nSrikanth Ramalingam\nHead - Human Resources\nC•O•M•O•D•O\nCreating TRUST Online !!\n\u003ca href\u003d\"http://www.comodo.com\" target\u003d\"_blank\" onclick\u003d\"return top.js.OpenExtLink(window,event,this)\"\>www.comodo.com\u003c/a\>\n\u003ca href\u003d\"http://www.comodogroup.com/products\" target\u003d\"_blank\" onclick\u003d\"return top.js.OpenExtLink(window,event,this)\"\>http://www.comodogroup.com/products\u003c/a\>\n\n\n\u003c/pre\>\n\n\n\u003c/p\>\n \u003c/div\> \n\n \n \u003cspan width\u003d\"1\" style\u003d\"color:white\"\>__._,_.___\u003c/span\>\n \n \u003cdiv\>\n \u003cspan\>\n \u003ca href\u003d\"http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sayara/message/267;_ylc\u003dX3oDMTMzMTc3ZGNjBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzE3MzM2MjExBGdycHNwSWQDMTcwNTM4MTIyNQRtc2dJZAMyNjcEc2VjA2Z0cgRzbGsDdnRwYwRzdGltZQMxMTgzOTU3MzQzBHRwY0lkAzI2Nw--\" target\u003d\"_blank\" onclick\u003d\"return top.js.OpenExtLink(window,event,this)\"\>\n Messages in this topic \u003c/a\> (\u003cspan\>1\u003c/span\>)\n \u003c/span\>\n \u003ca href\u003d\"http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sayara/post;_ylc\u003dX3oDMTJwcW01M2E2BF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzE3MzM2MjExBGdycHNwSWQDMTcwNTM4MTIyNQRtc2dJZAMyNjcEc2VjA2Z0cgRzbGsDcnBseQRzdGltZQMxMTgzOTU3MzQz?act\u003dreply&messageNum\u003d267\" target\u003d\"_blank\" onclick\u003d\"return top.js.OpenExtLink(window,event,this)\"\>",1]);//--></SCRIPT>us apart.
The small details of your lives are what really matterin a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car,property , the money in the bank, blah..blah.. blah.
These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you, but if you do, you just might save a marriage.

- Author unknown -




This story was already posted in Indusladies. I am unable to find the link so I posted again. Hope this story will give you a better Idea. Divorce is not the only soultion. I can understand your plight, but the thing is as yours is a love marriage, you hae to find the hidden love. Try tracing it out. It may be hard but leave your ego and try talking to him. If you both talk with each other half the problems could be solved. Hoping to hear a good news that you have saved your marriage and you have started your new life with your lover husband

 

Re: Need some advice!!!

Hi,

Read your thread. It is really a pity stage your marriage has reached upto. But then i feel it still in your hands to make it work.

A woman should always feel proud that God has granted them with very strong will power, compared to men. They are emotionaly far too strong and capable of handling every situation with courage and will power.

I understand that you have tried all ways from your end in making your marriage work. Now the thing you could do is talk to your husband one last time. Tell him that you wish to go in for divorce, once you get back to India. But before you do that, you wish to give one last chance to make this marriage work. Tell him that you both have to forget all that happened in this last few years and start anew, not bringing back in conversation what has happened and who was at fault. Start afresh. And even after that if things dont work than its better to go in for legal seperation.

Once you both decide, try as much not get your past behaviours back in conversation and do things what wuold make each other happy. And it is better if you make the initiative.

Talk daily. Even if it is not personal matters, anything that happens daily in one's life. And keep hoping that things will work out.

If still doesnt work, take the help of your family, let them know what you are going through and take their ideas and help in making things work. When we are not married we look upto our parents when in problems, after marriage we feel left alone to tackle our problems. This is because we don't feel we dont want to worry our parents with our troubles. But it is not so. Parents feel left out when they realize later that their children didnt think that theb capable of helping them. It is always better to seek guidance of our elders.

It is very easy to break a marriage but difficult to make it work. Dont lose hope. Have faith in God. Everything will work out fine.

Hope to be of help. All the best :2thumbsup:

Diana

 

Re: Need some advice!!!

Hey friend,

I agreed with everyone here and before taking any hardstep pl think it off more than one time. Have faith in God and we are here to pray for you in saving your marriage life.

Now you told that U r in U.S. So I believe there will not be anymore nagging from your inlaws side. Then why dont you talk with your hubby by taking him to places which he likes. pl try this.

Hoping to hear good news soon
Lakshmi