Need Solution

anjali1997 · Nov 7, 2022

Me and my husband both are in mid 50’s and stay abroad.
kids are big enough and they are in another country and working. I am not working.
He is silent type and not much interested in meeting people. I am outgoing type.
From past 2 years there are constant fight on some petty issues at home. He make sure he will dig something and keep on proving his point right.
He always wanted me to be always around him. He does not like when I go out with friend, talking with my family. I feel he feel insecure about it.
Whenever I use to go to my parents house, he will call me 10 times in a days and even fight with me over phone. Once he asked me cut short my visit and come back a week before and I did for the sake of my marriage.

In my whole married life, he enjoys accusing me big-small things and even for small things like giving a glass of water he expect me to give to him. he never stood with me when I needed him the mosts He was not sensitive when my father, mother, Brother and BIL passed away. He did not visit my family during the loss my family members, even he never wanted me too visit my family during the grieving time. In fact, he was fighting with me over phone during my stay with my family.

Now, past 6 months he is accusing me that I encourage one person to flirt with me. Though, that person never said anything to me in any wrong way. I seldom meet that man along with us wife in presence of my husband and only in get togethers. Even if I reply to him on his social talk ‘how are you?, how are kids? Etc etc… my husband accuse that I am encouraging him to flirt. According to him I should leave the place when he start talking to me. According to him this man does’t have good character.
He was not like that before and I never in my wildest dream I can think my husband will say these words.
I lost all the respect for him due to his attitude towards me.
He never stood by me when I need him the most. May be in future he may accuse me to flirt with other man too. I live in civilized society and my kids are grown up and I don’t need any attention from any man at this point of life.

I really don’t know how to solve this current situation.

drdiva · Nov 7, 2022

Dear OP
Its difficult to live with such a person..no doubt. But the best solution is to ignore him and cultivate a hobby..like reading or whatever you like. Pamper yourself.

Rihana · Nov 7, 2022

anjali1997 said: ↑

Me and my husband both are in mid 50’s and stay abroad.
kids are big enough and they are in another country and working. I am not working.
He is silent type and not much interested in meeting people. I am outgoing type.
From past 2 years there are constant fight on some petty issues at home. He make sure he will dig something and keep on proving his point right.
He always wanted me to be always around him. He does not like when I go out with friend, talking with my family. I feel he feel insecure about it.
Whenever I use to go to my parents house, he will call me 10 times in a days and even fight with me over phone. Once he asked me cut short my visit and come back a week before and I did for the sake of my marriage.

In my whole married life, he enjoys accusing me big-small things and even for small things like giving a glass of water he expect me to give to him. he never stood with me when I needed him the mosts He was not sensitive when my father, mother, Brother and BIL passed away. He did not visit my family during the loss my family members, even he never wanted me too visit my family during the grieving time. In fact, he was fighting with me over phone during my stay with my family.
Click to expand...

That's a lot you have put up with in the marriage. Has he been like that with his birth family too? Never close to them, not keeping in touch, not visiting, not there for them in life's sad and happy events?

The above issues are in the past and beyond providing a context, history and background of your marriage, they are moot and not much can be done about them. The encouraging flirting accusation is happening now and can be addressed.

Now, past 6 months he is accusing me that I encourage one person to flirt with me. Though, that person never said anything to me in any wrong way. I seldom meet that man along with us wife in presence of my husband and only in get togethers. Even if I reply to him on his social talk ‘how are you?, how are kids? Etc etc… my husband accuse that I am encouraging him to flirt. According to him I should leave the place when he start talking to me. According to him this man does’t have good character.
He was not like that before and I never in my wildest dream I can think my husband will say these words.
I lost all the respect for him due to his attitude towards me.
Click to expand...

If you care to, you can try to delve deeper into this matter with a slightly calmer approach. Keep the past issues out of it. Bring up the topic in a genuinely curious about it way. Maybe something like:
"I've thought more about "B"'s flirting and that I seem to encourage it. This accusation is making me lose respect for our marriage, us, myself and you. We have had our problems in the marriage but this is different. Let's leave aside B's character for now. About my character -- I talk with B in get-togethers and in social media just like I talk with all our other friends. I've always been outgoing than you. I do not treat B in any special way. Then, why such a big accusation from you? Next, coming to B's character, maybe I am missing something you sense as a man. Why do you say his character is not good? I am not defending B. Why would I. But after being accused of such a ridiculous thing as encouraging flirting, I deserve to know what exactly is your grounds for that. I want to respect your opinion and wishes but for that I need to know a little more. How are my responses to B different from how I talk with other men in our friends circle?"

The above has to be asked calmly. He will get angry, and you have to direct the conversation back to your question. It will help you if you are able to separate this issue from your husband's past unreasonable behaviors and expectations.

Instead of aiming for a full admission from your husband that he is wrong and you are right, I would say settle for a middle ground. He agrees you are not encouraging the flirting in any way. He says he has a bad gut-feeling about that man. You agree to lessen the length and (already shallow) depth of your responses to that man on social media and in get-togethers.

My suggestions would be very different if you guys were in your mid-30's.

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