Need serious advice, want to start afresh

Hi All,

I have been married for last 6 years and have a cute and vibrant 2 year old.
I work full-time.Currently my in-laws are here. A brief intro about my in-laws - They are typical in laws who don't like their son to do any household work(my husband doesn't help me with any household chore). My in laws take care of my son during the day and I cook lunch before leaving for office. Also 2-3 times on weekdays I do some prep for breakfast and my MIL prepares for my DH and FIL after I leave. On weekends, I make the breakfast. After coming back home in the evening, I make tea and then start making dinner. His Dad keeps complaining that he is getting bored even when he is engaged with our son throughout the day. His Mom wants everything that I own in the kitchen. Her motive is to take all the small tools or storage boxes that I have to India. She is very spendthrift and my DH is the same, very very spendthrift.

What my in laws do - MIL prepares roti for lunch box, their rice for lunch and again roti for dinner. She also folds laundry. FIL throws the trash.

My DH is loving but he doesn't do anything because he was never taught to do anything at home. HE throws the clothes after coming from office, he doesn't keep his shoes in the shoe rack after coming from gym. In short he doesn't help in daily chores and also increases my work. This really irritates me.

I had a love marriage but we have been fighting a lot. Recently 2 days back also we fought and every time we fight my husband says we should take divorce since we are not compatible.Everytime we fight, he says we should take divorce. According to him the serious fights in marriage happen only during initial 2-3 years and then the couple gets used to each other's fault.But in our case we are still fighting. We have also fought on karwachauth day and I had to do puja alone at home. no Food after that.

According to him, I should never correct him or say anything to him in front of his parents or our friends. For e.g. we were planning for our son's birthday and he found out that the whole day booking for a picnic shelter in a park is $175 and I said that it is expensive in front of his parents. I am not too sure about my tone but definitely I was not angry. This hurt him.
We are going to India for Diwali and I told him that I am doing booking for going to my parents house on the next day of Diwali(we are going to India for diwali) and my sister is reaching my parents house on the day on Diwali(she is especially coming to meet us and will be there for only 4 days). He doesn't want me to go the next day because we might get late on the night of diwali since his family plays cards on the night of diwali. I told him there is no need for me and my son to be awake on the night of diwali since I am not interested in playing and I can go to my parents place the next day.Also I will be with my sister for only 1 day if I go after 1 day or Diwali. This made him angry that I don't give my 100% to his family and am all bothered about is going to my parents place the next day. This triggered the fight between us. He said he refrains from talking to me because it makes him angry.He has very very less patience for me. HE starts shouting on me and starts insulting like saying " jaa naa , bhag naa , aayi badi " etc etc. According to him I can go to my parents house the next day we reach India because we have stayed with his parents for 5 months but since I am having dual standards and I want to look good in front of his parents, I am somehow staying back till Diwali. Going to my parents house the next day we reach India is acceptable to him but going the next day of Diwali is not since it will be hectic for everyone.

Sorry for such a long post but I wanted to give an idea of what kind of relationship we have. Also do all of you who are married for more than 2-3 years, do you still fight seriously, like not talking to each other for a couple of days? Also he thinks that I don't make his parents feel at home. Personally I don't talk much and whenever I reach home, I make it a point to talk to them while having tea as to how was the day. His dad's behavior is always very cold towards me. For anything he will indirectly tell his wife. I really hate this. These things irritate me to the core.

Could you also tell me that how do you behave with your husband in front of your in laws and friends? Do you ever correct him?(Recently he was telling a story to our friend which he has told almost 5 times before, then I told him very politely, mind you very politely jokingly that you are repeating this story. This also made him angry. He didn't say anything that time but during our fight he said that I should never correct him in front of his parents and friends and should hear whatever he is saying even when he is repeating for 100th time).

Also regarding behavior with in-laws. How much do you talk to them when they are visiting? Also when you and your MIL is in the kitchen, do you keep talking constantly or there is silence also in between?

I know I am asking all stupid things but these answers can make my life.

Thanks in advance

 

@dimhere - Thanks a lot for your post!! I will keep in mind what to do in public from next time but correcting him is not very often from my side but when I ever do it, it makes me angry. I understand your point, it might hurt his ego.

But don't I have the right to give my opinion, like the birthday planning expenditure ?

Also when you say you fight, does your every fight result into breaking of relationship, like my husband always says we should divorce each other.

Also what is your suggestion on my questions related to in-laws?

 

@MalStrom
1) We take our in laws out every weekend, whether it is weekend outing, shopping or visiting friends. Still there is complaints. I don't like the fact when my FIL hints on me since I am from nuclear family setup that " a person who has not loved in joint family won't understand how people in joint family are attached".

2) Will try not to bother about the buying thing but what irritates me she never gets me anything until I ask for. She never brings any gifts for me.
But whenever she comes here, she has a list to buy gifts for everyone back home. She buys not only for the close family but for the extended family too. Only in my case it never occurs to her to get something. I think I should not have any expectations from her. In the last 6 years she has got something only once for me when my son was born. Otherwise not a single thing she bought for me on her own.

3) thanks for your suggestion. I will be more tolerant in the future.

My husband talks to his parents for hours on weekend nights and I never complain. I don't participate much because they talk about their long lost relatives whom I don't know at all.
My MIL is a good cook but time around it seems she has come for a vacation since she doesn't do any major cooking. Also I have to make few things separately since she doesn't eat onion and garlic. Whatever I do she never praises me, or my cooking

I know I will have to adjust to a lot of things and it is easier said than done. But will try my best.

Some how I loose patience when the things repeat and it gets accumulated till I get too irritated.

 

My FIL is introvert when he goes out. HE doesn't make friends easily. He has habits of a lady sitting at home and gossiping. He also compares me with his daughters indirectly which irritates me a lot.

I can't hide now since she has seen everything. Yesterday she saw my appe pan and now she wants that too whaatsmiley. She is very lazy to cook stuff in India but she wants all gadgets.

I have told him before also don't take the word "divorce" every time we fight but it doesn't matter to him. He is still the same and sometimes I think he wants to separate since every time how can he say same thing.

He is pampered a lot since childhood being the only son and also youngest after 2 elder sisters. His parents have spoilt him a lot.

Will keep this in mind.

HE said if you already took decision then book your tickets and then let me know. Don't ask me. He said I am playing safe by getting his approval and I do mind games since I wanted to go and want his approval too. This really pissed me.

How much wait?? Its been 6 years and still their behavior is same towards me. They talk about me to their relatives when they go back. I have never ever raised my voice even once on them in last 6 years. They like to give each details to the relatives like I ate very plain food like bottlegourd and ridgegourd for 1st 6 months after my son was born. This was toooo much for me. How can they give these stupid details to the relatives??

We do watch TV in weekends sometimes. Weekdays we don't watch TV because my son will be glued to TV if we switch on the TV.