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need help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by life09, Jul 13, 2010.

  1. life09

    life09 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I just joined this forum and i read about all teh advices you give here. I am ina sort of an awkward situation.
    I got a job inte h same company as my boyfriend 3 months back. So we decide to get married in the US. We performed a cout marriage ceremony with teh approval of both or parents. however, I have always felt this and my gut feelings tell me this, his mother i.e. my MIL doesn't like me at all. She is a hypocrate. I may sound rude but there are manyinstances when she has portrayed such attitude.
    1. She once told me to believe in the god , that she prays to. We are both hindus. Infact i believe in everything .
    2. We ( i and my husbacnd )are still figuring out to get married the indian traditional way in india sometime in december. but my mother inlaw always just says..." Why do you want to spend so much money. just keep a good reception party . anyways you people are married in theUS now. y bother gettting married in India." she has said this a numebr of time and then finally i had to tell my husabcd tha ti do not liek to hear this.

    3. now my parents just for their satisfaction wen to the Priest to get the kundali's matched and get a good date for marriage. The priest was shocked to see mykundali wiht this boy and have told my parents that " my husband will not take care of me" in all they said he is not a good fit for me. He will only listen ot his mother and they told my parent" your daughter will cry and come back sooner or later"
    I know we don't believe in astrology these days but when my mother spoke to 4 different priests and they all said the same thing, this has caused a lot of tension in my parents minds and in me. I haven't told this to my husband yet but i really dont understand now that if i should trust astrology or my husband. Because to be honest my husband is a Mama's boy and he always fights with me for all his family. I am in a dilema to trust him . He loves me and i love him tooo. I don't wanna leave him but i dont understand that after listening to what the jyotishi's said if i should go ahead with the indian wedding plans in december or just let it be the way it is.

    4. My husband wants to go back ot india ina year or 2 for his MBA, i want to continue staying int eh US. I havea well settled job. Infact we both have gr8 jobs and our compnay sponsers our MBA for free here in the US but he is adament to go back by 2012. and i reallly dont want to, with all this mess, i really cannot understand where my life is going.

    I need advice on what i should do . I may probably not want ot get married in India in december now.
    I feel i should just let it be the way it is right now, and if he wants to go back to india let him go and may be thats the end of our marriage.
    I am in deep pain can somebody please help me.
     
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    What if the kundali says something bad about you and your parents when his side shows it to an astrologer? Should he behave strange towards you & your family?

    The astrological reason you mentioned to avoid his family and the formal marriage appear too diluted to me... is it plain insecurity or you don't believe in re-structuring your destiny??? Yes a lot of MILs dont like their DILs but can live civil...

    At times a few morbid fears do come alive.. its better to live life easy and as it comes & cross the bridge when the need arises.

    Also if there are clear signs that you cant live with her than tell your husband that you're not in favour of returning but he's free to go back or even if you ppl return then you need to live in neighbourhood. I would still suggest that you go ahead with India marriage and keep your options open for a happy life.
    There are many women on this forum who gladly say that they're ready to adjust, give up, live with inlaws and also know in parallel that their husbands are highly career oriented or know how to set their parents right or the son and parents dont go along or the parents themselves dont want to live tog and this is exactly what a Man looks for in his wife... These diplomatic sentences are a key to happy married life hence learn the tricks of the trade and still do what you want by other emotional ways of painting a rosy picture of his achievements in this country.
    Guys never like direct sentences of -I dont want to live in same roof, I cant put up with your parents, I cant do this, I cant do that.. however some of them are easily redirected by their smart wives.. who earn brownies in everyone's eye & live a forever happy married life until they come across a smarter MIL.
     
  3. roses_bloom

    roses_bloom Junior IL'ite

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    I think it is very clear in your post how immature you are and really were not ready to be married. Why did you get married in the first place when you were going to start believing jyotish suddenly and start doubting the man you supposedly 'love'. Frankly, it's stupid.

    Secondly, I think you have made up your mind that you and your mil will not get along and are looking for ways to create conflict. for example:
    You should be happy that his parents are not putting pressure on you and your family by asking for a 'grand indian wedding' in India and in fact are thinking about how you and your husband can save money for your own family. Instead of making her out to be a monster for saying this look on the positive side and be appreciative.

    Obvioulsy, you think marriage isn't that big a commitment based on your comments about him moving to India, u staying in the US, and the marriage disolving.

    I highly recommend you see a marriage counselor or just a personal counselor and figure this whole thing out. You are clearly too immature and fickleminded for a lifelong committment of love and togetherness. And please, in the meantime, stop hating his mother for anything and everything she says!
     
  4. Mommie007

    Mommie007 Silver IL'ite

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    Please tell me you are kidding! I mean if you so strongly belive in astrology you should have done the horoscope matching etc before the marriage. Why would your parents do it after you guys getting marrried. I think now that you know what the astrolgers have said, you are making sure to make their so called predction true by reanalysing your relationship with your husband. Please do not belive what astrologers says about horoscopes, atleast not after getting married. Just lead a good life with your husband.
     
  5. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Getting married again is useless since you have already got married . A nice reception would be a good idea to introduce you two as a couple.
    Your MIL is fine , its your parents who are disturbing your happy married life by going around trying to break your marriage by consulting astrologers.
    If you were such a believer of astrology you should have had an arranged marriage with the blessings of your parents.
    Now you are doing your best to prove the astrologers and your parents right.
    Since you got married with the consent of your parents why didnt they rush to astrologers before you got married ?
     
  6. greentree

    greentree New IL'ite

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    hi life09,
    i dont know ur name, bt i totally agree with this mommie007,
    though i do belive in astrology for ceratain extent,
    i had gone through the same situation b4 mrg, i had an affair, bt my family opposed to it, n they said that lets go to astrolger.n if he agrees r if he says that u'll be happily ever after mrg, we wud allow u to marry him, and we went to the astrolger n my parents told that i'm in love with a guy n we r nt happy with her realationship, so, we came to u...will u tell her hw she'll be if she gets married to the same guy, n obviously after hearin all these drama, the astrolger said the same thing, as u've told, i think ur parents mght have asked the same question, n he replied the same thing, no wonder abt that, m nt sayin anything against astrology,
    so....wht i wud suggest to u is, y dont u prove this wrong, n think in positve ways, no matter wht, every house has a loop hole, dont wry abt it....lead a gud n quality of life with the same person u have chosen, dont make it to prove that love marriage will end up soon, i'm sry, if i had hurt ur feelin, i really didn't mean to..........
     
  7. mapleleaf

    mapleleaf Silver IL'ite

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    Looks like you have already given up on the marriage even before it has actually begun. I agree with Mommie007 there is absolutly no purpose for matching the horoscopes at this point when you guys are already married, it has only left you with a prejudice that your husband is/was/could be a mama's boy.Anytime your DH speaks in favour of his family you are going to end up feeling insecure. One more thing that bothers me is did you not have a discussion about future plans with each other before marrying? Why this differences in future interests now? It will be wise to find a middleground and resolve the issue before it becomes a full blown problem. This should not be a reason to end a marriage!
    Putting aside all the astrological information aside try to understand your marriage to DH what it means to you and what it means to him, things will cease being so confusing if you give it a chance. Good luck. Hope you get to see things more clearly after reading all the posts here.
     
  8. grihasta

    grihasta New IL'ite

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    When you fell in love with him and was in contact with him all through the courtship, didn't you realize that he was a momma's boy? You should have matched horoscopes before falling in love !! LOL!!

    What your MIL says makes sense. What is the use of marriage ceremony again when you guys are already married and living a married life? Looks like you want to have a marriage ceremony in India because your parents want one.

    You say your gut feeling is your MIL doesn't like you. How often have you met her and talked to her? Did you meet and talk to her before marriage? didn't you get any feeling at that time that your future MIL doesn't like you?

    Why didn't you decide with your boyfriend about continuing stay in US before getting married? That is a big part of married life, especially in a love marriage. Did your boy friend tell you that he will continue staying in US and now changed mind?

    And why are your parents telling you that your husband won't take care of you and will always be a momma's boy? they have already sown seeds of doubts in you. Anytime he defends his mom or his family, irrespective of whether it is right or wrong, you will feel now feel he is doing it as he is a momma's boy. If your parents were so concerned about you, they should have kept quiet and seen how your husband treats you. Telling you all this and creating doubts and lack of trust in your husband reflects very badly on your parents.

    You are making a mountain of molehill. There is nothing wrong in what your MIL has said about your marraige. Nor can you trust astrology for everything. Put that all behind and enjoy your marraige
     
  9. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    At Point # 1
    What is so hypocritical about this?

    I think she is a practical woman. All MILs need to think in this manner. Will save a lot of brides from anxious moments.
    He does not seem like a Mama's boy..you seem to be more of Daddy's girl or Momma's girl. You want to get married traditionally coz your parents want it. Your parents are anxious about horoscope. The MIL is not a problem here.

    Why would you show your kundali AFTER you got married in a civil ceremony?When you go for a love marriage, what is the need to go to the priest and getting horoscopes matched? If kundali was more important to you, you could have matched kundalis BEFORE you fell in love and BEFORE you got married in a civil ceremony. Now is not the time.

    There is no mess here.You are creating a mess. There is nothing wrong in your life to question 'where your life is going'. You guys (you and your DH) dont agree on anything from what you have written. How did you fall in love? or rather did you not discuss these things before getting married?
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2010
  10. Umlaut

    Umlaut Silver IL'ite

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    -Is this a really big deal? Its not like she is asking you to follow Scientology!

    -I would say, she is a very sensible woman. How many people say that? Any typical MIL would have insisted on a grand wedding and all that ballyho and still kept cribbing that the wedding was not done grand enough and the gifts/gold were not good/expensive enough. And oh, yes, that she was not "respected" enough during the wedding ceremony!

    Your "problems" (imagined or otherwise) are as a result of your immaturity. My advise to you is to tweak this forum and read what some of the women have gone through. It might perhaps knock some sense into your head!
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2010

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