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Need help in making a decision..to work or be at home?

Discussion in 'Working Women' started by mrspat, Mar 28, 2010.

  1. mrspat

    mrspat New IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    [JUSTIFY]
    I am looking for some suggestions from fellow ILites here. I had a baby girl recently ..she is 3.5 months old now..I have had a very difficult pregnancy due to which I had to take off from office for the entire period of my pregnancy.

    I am with a MNC and have a highly paid job. My role is mostly managerial..and I am pretty satisfied with my career...I have to join work from next month..but I am just not able to decide on how to..my baby is too young..I have my mom and a caretaker now to take care of in my absence also.But i do not want her to grow with a caretaker...and my mom cant be with me for long...she will be with me atmost for another 3 months...

    The problem is , I am a very emotional person by nature and am finding it very difficult to go back to work..my mom was a homemaker and she had provided so much of affection for me when I was a kid..

    I am just not able to accept myself going back to work leaving my baby alone...also it was after years of struggle that I have had a baby...I have spent our entire earnings on my medications and treatments itself ..to have a baby...

    My baby is also slightly troublesome (not sure if it is the right word), as she (naturally!) cries when she is with someone else..she was a premature baby and I used to have her on my arms for the 1st month almost all the time..

    I have been very good at studies during my school/college days..had excellent marks..my job is too good...but my baby is so young...and I have had to undergo so many problems just to have this precious doll..so it sort of kills me to go to work.

    On the other end, I love high-pressure(!) jobs and dont want a gap in my career..but I dont want her to grow up alone..my job timings are usually very bad..I have told myself almost 100 times that I am quitting to take care of her...but the very next day..I am scared of how we will manage ..and whether we will find it difficult to provide her with good facilities..education...etc...(i had a tough time as a child wrt finance..though there was no dearth of affection at home..)

    Though this is a personal decision that I need to take, I really need some suggestions from experienced ILites here who can help me in taking a decision....
    [/JUSTIFY]
     
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  2. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi mrspat,

    Some suggestions i could think of now: Probably you can ask your HR about working from home option for few months. When you have such a small baby, many company's HR will consider this and give you the option. Or you can work this out with your manager.

    Also you can check whether your company has an on-campus creche facility or has a tie up with some creche nearby. Such tieups are useful for moms with very young babies.

    In my case also, my maternity + extended maternity leave completed when my baby is 5 months old. I chose to take a break in my career. I came back to work only after my baby is 2.5 years old.

    -Lakshmi
     
  3. yams

    yams Platinum IL'ite

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    hi mrspat,
    first of of all congrats for u to have such a wonderful pretty baby after a long time!!! hope so she means the whole world to u then y this silly reasonable confusions with u? its not a easy thing to take care of a baby as well u know if we take care of her inch by inch also sometimes we don't get results cen percent. in such case think of tat wat happens wen u leave her under a caretaker? not oly at this age my suggestion is tat children do require close supervision and warmness of a mother till they get matured enough knowing wat life is!!! i don't get y do u have an oscillation in this fast developing world there a no of works tat u can do it from home!!!
    some of my suggestions ll be
    1. u can do online jobs which u gather u more money(in case u require) at times when ur baby is at rest allot timings for tat!!
    2.next if u wish! u can take tutions tat not oly fetches u money but also a ful fledged satisfaction tat u used up ur knowledge well
    3.can do some crafts works if u know it so
    these things ll surely provide u an enough money for ur daughters future!!! not oly money s needed for her development but also a close supervision and care of a sweet mother like u!! so take care of ur baby first!!!!:)
     
  4. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Mrspat,
    I agree with Orion. Try to check with your HR if they can provide you a working from Home option so that to some extent you will stay with her. But prepare yourself if at all yu want to rejoin, because either quit or continue, SHE is the One reason behind it.
    Try to get long leave for 2-3years, so that you can revoke once she is going to play school.
    Kids will be like that once they are used to mother's hands and they will easily used to whoever takes care of them entire day.
    ---Working from Home
    ---Long leave.
    Personally, I havebeen a working mom since 3 years and my parents are taking care of my kid from his day 1 along with me. Sometimes they stay with me in city where I can enjoy my time with my kid. Sometimes they take him to our native, so that every weekend I travel there to have some time.
    So, to get one, we loose one!!! Especially career oriented mothers, it will take a toll.
     
  5. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear MrsPat,
    When i read your thread, i thought as if i am reading my own story...we also had a baby girl in Sep-09 (after long years of medication)....she is 6 months old now....I also work for a MNC and work for long (and odd) hours at a manager's post...I had been excellent throughout my educational career as well as professional career...My mom has passed away and my MIL cant come to take care of the baby....I was in a similar dillema a month back and finally I have recently joined back my office (I am leaving the baby with a caregiver)....

    I cant offer you any suggestion/solution....however, since our problem is soooooo similar, just summarizing what I thought while taking this decision...hope this helps...

    1. Money is not the only motivation behind my job. I enjoy my work and it gives me the unique identity i currently hold. Being in managerial position, the work-from-home option is not there for me. I have to be in the office, talking with the client, interacting with the team and making them work towards success.
    2. Long leave option is also not feasible due to the financial causes. (Me and my hubby would like to provide the financial support for our DD, in case she chooses to go for some expensive prefessional course in future). Also, it would be difficult (though not impossible) to find a job (being at the senior position) after 2-3 yrs of break.
    3. I observed and spoke to many working moms as well as house wives. However, I could not draw a conclusion as 'kids of working mom are not getting sufficient love/affection/attention' or 'working moms cant take good care of their kids'. I found (with proven real life examples) that working moms give more affection to their kids (as they are aware that they have lesser time to spend with their kids in comparison with house-mums) and spend quality time (not quantity) time with the kids'. Also, saw that the kids at day-care are more independent and social (since they are habitual of getting along with other kids at day-care from a very young age).
    PS: I certainly do not want to say that house-mums do not make their kids independent or dont give them love, so no offenses please :)
    4. About DD - yes, she is very precious to me and she has become the reason for my life since the day I knew i was carrying her in my womb. But, I also know that i can not stick to her throughout her life. Even if I decide to leave the job for her, I know, a day would come when she will create her own world of friends, books, college, aspirations etc. At that point of time, I'll have to set her free to live and lead her own life, then why not now?
    5. I know, she is very young and is in need of me (physically). At the same time, I also need my space, financial security for her and my career. So, how to strike the balance? As for me, i have done an arrangement where-in I have accepted a project which will give me lesser extended-work-hrs-days (instead of USA client, I'll be working with a german client to give me more 'time overlap' which will reduce my reasons to wait in the office at the evenings). I have also discussed with my seniors on the extended time comittment. they have agreed to let me attend the customer calls (telephonic) from home (at least, she'll be in front of me while i finish the calls). With this arrangement, I'll be working and earning without stretching too much (in the office) on all the days (However, i'll have to stretch for 1-2 days a week depending on the situation of the assignment). I have started coming to office with my own car (this will save my time of travel as the office buses ply only at decided timings but with a car, I can reach/leave at any time I want). I plan not to send her to the caregiver on my weekly-offs. this will ensure that she is with me during that time and is getting the required affection, attention. I am sure she'll eagerly wait for and enjoy the 'exclusive' time which will be just for her :)
    6. At the present, she is very young, but as she grows up (starts talking), I plan to keep on telling her things happening at my office, nature of my job etc in simple words. I think, this way, she'll understand why her mommy needs to go to work.
    I wish she grows to be an independent and strong lady.
    Last but not the least - how is she coping up with my absence currently? well, she created some fuss in the beginning, but I remained strong and strict (it was very difficult to hold back when she is crying at the caregiver's door step) and within a week, she has got adjusted. she enjoys there and is coping up really well.
    I wish you all the very best in your decision making. You may choose either of the ways which you think is in best interest of you and your baby, but only one tip from me - NEVER feel guilty of your decision once you make it.
    Tight hugs, keep smiling!
    ~S.
     
  6. Radheshyam

    Radheshyam Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Mrs. Pat,

    Congratulations on becoming a mother and welcome to parenthood.
    Not today but almost every (frustrated) day for the coming years, you will see yourself at the same place asking the same question over and over- whether to be a stay at home mom or continue working. It is a challenge and you may have to loose some minor battles to win the bigger ones. Let me try and suggest some ideas which may help you in making a decision.


    Suggestion 1: Working from home
    Pros: You can stay at home and still work !!
    Cons: Your company management has to approve. Also, most development jobs are easier to work from home. But doing managerial work and attending your child will become very stressful after sometime.

    Suggestion 2: Take a break .Stay at home.
    Pros: You can stay at home and take care of your child.
    Cons: Guilt and frustration. You should have worked really long hours to come to this position. It is hard earned career and if there is a gap then you may have to start all over.

    Suggestion 3: Go back to work (regular hours) and opt for day-care
    Pros: A great career, sense of achievement plus Financial benefits
    Cons: From my experience, I feel that preemies need a little more encouragement to hit their milestones. So your precious daughter may need special care while growing up.

    Suggestion 4: Extend your leave for another 3 months then go back to work, have flexible hours, don't be too ambitious for the next 2 years, maintain your current position and also get a stay at home nanny.
    Pros: Personal attention for your daughter, less hours at work and not sacrificing your career, if you can get your help to do some cooking and light cleaning then you can spend some really quality time with your child.
    Cons: Parents are not available so you have to rely on external source that may or may not be reliable. You may miss some of your career milestones but still have a career!

    Hang in there dear, I know you are very emotional right now and anxious about separation from your child; but keep your priorities straight and your mind clear then you will be able to move forward.

    Cheers !
    Radheshyam.
     
  7. mrspat

    mrspat New IL'ite

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    Hi Orion80/Lakshmi, Thank you so much for the suggestions. I have asked my manager for work-from-home option for another 1.5 months (asking more than that would provoke him to say no now itself!)

    On campus creche... I would jump at that option if I have one...I wish I had that forevision to join a company that had one...!

    I am interested to know how easy was it for you to join after 2 yrs break?
    Did you get the same responsibilities..or something else? Was there any difference?

     
  8. mrspat

    mrspat New IL'ite

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    Hi Yams, Thank you so much.yes...its been a long and painful journey ..to be finally called a mom ..somehow makes me feel soooo satisfied.

    I cant but accept the fact that I am confused..but atleast I feel better now after reading all the responses from ILite friends...I am evaluating all the options that I have in front of me right now...

    I am looking at something in option 1 ..let me see if it works out for me...
    Option 2 of taking tution ..am not that interested right now but i am going to have it as an option for sure
    Option 3 - i just dont have those nice genes ...i have good eye for arts and crafts..but my hands never cooperate!!!

     
  9. mrspat

    mrspat New IL'ite

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    Hi Priya_Mommy; I have always liked your name and posts...though I have registered only now...I am a regular at IL..
    Long leave for 2-3 yrs..i like that...i have no idea if my company has those options..I am going to check on it right away....
    I would love if my mom can be around to take care of her...but feeling guilty as both my parents and inlaws are pretty old ..let me see

     
  10. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    I wouldnt say it was easy but i wouldnt say it is very difficult either. After my baby is one year old, i started revising, refreshing my memory about the old projects i did and also finished some certifications. Never missed the schedule if atleast one hour revision per day. So when i started attending interviews, i was confident to face them.

    When i resigned, i was a team lead and after the break too i joined as a team lead. The only compromise was salary, i was offered a little less than what others with my experience would be offered. Within an year, even that changed

    -Lakshmi
     

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