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need direction if i am right or wrong

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by 92928drh, Apr 3, 2010.

  1. 92928drh

    92928drh New IL'ite

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    HI
    I am a new joinee for indus ladies. My Sister in law who is childless gives my daughter daily a chocklate when she is going to school. She is not so freindly with me and keeps me at a distance but she always try to befreind my children buy buying gifts etc. Recently i told her not to give chocklate daily as it is not good habit. I told her politely only. It pains me that she is nver friendly with me and ignores me but aways freindly with kids and my husband. I am in dialemma if i have told her something wrong or did I hurt her. But as it has become a daily routine for her to call my daughter and give coclate as a ritual which i did not approve. It was ok if it is occational. Please advise
     
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Dear

    Welcome to IL....

    I have this question..Every kid loves to have candies ....so is one candy a day a big issue???:bonkdo you give candy to your kids?? if yes then why not think that you have given that chocolate to your kid?

    You said your SIL has no kids, that might be the reason for her to feel more attached to kids, and more loving than usual,....why doubt her affection for kids? or treat her indifferently?

    Does your SIL tell your kid things against you or your husband? or is she teaching the kid some bad habits??

    Please be empathetic if possible. As your SIL doesnt have a child, she might be wanting to have kids, or as she doesnt have a kid, she might be more attached to yours to share that affection...

    Dont be scared or afraid that her affection would create a distance b/w you and your kid...finally a mommy is a mommy no one can change that....but having inlaws and relatives around, who love your kid as much as you do...always helps you andd your kid in the long run...feels more safe and secure in this super fast world where no one cares for no one.

    Reg. she not talking to you , might be she knows that you disapprove of her (might be because she has no kids of her own, or that she is closer to your kid or to your husband) so she is also keeping distance from you...to avoid any confrontations.

    What ever happened has happened...but pls try to be a bit more tolerant and empathetic towards her you being a woman, you should be able to understand how painful it is for another woman who has no kids of her own. Our relatives, friends , inlaws and parents always spoil our kids by buying more gifts, or candy or something that we wont do some times..but instead of telling her not to give candy if you had told your kid infront of your SIL that, yes take the candy but save it for tomorrow, or yes take the candy but you have to brush your teeth after having the candy....such statements would have been more nice and also sound caring towards your kid and your SIL too.....just think about it...dont fret about it....but just be a bit more friendly towards your SIL and give her that support. Good Luck Dear
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2010
  3. arshina

    arshina New IL'ite

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    :iagreei completely agree with srividya,your sil doesnt have kids and you should understand that,you should not feel insecure about she being close with your kid rather you should encourage her to play with your kids and at times allow her to take care of your kid this will make her feel close to you as well and moreover by doing so your kid wont become hers,you will always be her mother.
    instead of asking her to stop giving her chocolate you can handle the situation in a better way lust like srividya has mentioned.but now since you have already done the damage,nothing can be done about it but be careful in future. take care
     
  4. Confused211

    Confused211 Gold IL'ite

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    My solution - tell her that you understand that while she has no love lost for you, she loves her brother and her niece, and that you really appreciate that. Tell her that you also appreciate that she likes to give goodies to her niece. And ask if she can, to please give her something else and not candy everyday because it isn't good for the kid's health. Take yourself out of the equation. She is more likely to respond that way.

    Of course, regardless of whether or not you were right or wrong, no harm in apologizing for hurting her feelings. Tell her that that is not what you meant to do.

    As a proponent of processed food is not food, I don't think you're wrong in not wanting your kid to eat candy everyday. Only, you can put it in a better way so as not to hurt your SIL's feelings. After all, it is possible that she doesn't like you very much because while she is probably struggling to conceive, you seem to have breezed through. She may resent that. I request that you not resent her for resenting you. There is no way you can ever understand her complicated feelings in this matter. You are in a better situation, children-wise, and it behooves you to be sensitive to her feelings in this regard and not the other way round.

    JMO.
     
  5. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi friend

    I totally undersand your concerns where you feel totally ignored by your sil and she being friendly to her brother and her niece but in this matter you have to let go a little bit. Since your sil is trying to conceive she may be very depressed and so seeing your daughter makes her give her gift, candy etc. I can understand your frustration where you are always kept at a distance, but in this situation just try to understand her. If you have spoken to her politely , not to give your daughter candy , i dont think there is anything wrong in that. It is for your own childs good. Just tell her politely that you didnt mean to hurt her or something .
     
  6. lotusgirl

    lotusgirl Senior IL'ite

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    well somebody has to go against the flow right? :)
    I see this issue as 2 things-
    if you are a parent who doesnt really approve of sweets daily or regularly then i guess your concern is rightly placed. I am not keen on my child having chocs everyday.. if it was with my kid, my reaction would have been similar. once in a while or weekly once is ok.. even then, i do tell people to give it once food has been taken. We have frnds who come over regularly..everyweek and they get cookies or chocs with them.. after the first couple of times i told them to either not bring it or if they really want to, wait till the lil one has had food.
    Even when i get chocs or candys for kids, i first confirm with the mum if its ok to give it to them directly.. First time visits, i always give the candy/chocs to the mum rather than to the kid directly since i wouldnt know their policy. So i really do sympathise with the poster here about her concerns.
    The fact that SIL doesnt have kids is not the point here. The SIL should respect the parents wishes. I have had instances where people thought i was mean when i denied sweets/sugar for a child less than 1 yr and gave restrictions to the daily dose of chocs while on trip home for a toddler!!

    As for your Sils behaviour towards you, if she doesnt want to mingle with you the same way as she does with rest of your family, its her loss. But if she doesnt respoect your wish about what to feed your child you have your rights to put taht across.. talk to your DH about this too.. But this is only if you have a diferent policy for sweets.. tell her the reason behind not wanting your child have a choc daily.. Clear the air and make clear your intentions.

    BUT if all this is just becuase you dont want your SIL to pamper your child while she doesnt care for you, then i guess you need to take a deep breath and just ignore! why bother about the relationship your child has with her aunt?
     
  7. 92928drh

    92928drh New IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    Thanks for the wonder responses. I was really feeling guilt of telling her like that after reading response from Srividay. Sat and sunday went off peacefuly . On monday while my daughter was going to school she again called and gave her the choclate. It really provocated me that inspite of telling she is giving that she just care damn abt my views. I went to office and was all thinking about this issue only and was really feeling depressed. I was full of negative feeling towards her and just could not keep that thing off my mind. In the evening while I came back ..I saw her standing and I went straigt to her room and tried to explain her my reason for telephoning her. I was talking very calmly but she busted. Her husband was also sitting in the drawing room. She just shouted on me and was full of anger. She asked me not to call her or call her sis-in law. She said in a angry tone she would not give. I told her than why she gave today. Than she started beating her head with her hand and making on big drama in front of her husband. I just have to leave their home telling that if I talk only she get angry than I cannot do anything. She and her husband brings so many gift to my children( I also have son) but I never objected to that. After saying this I just left their house. Now there is cold war betweeen us. As the houses are nearby only.. I have to see her every day. And my mind is just preoccupied with these thoughts only.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear

    I guess you shouldnt have gone to her house and explain to her whys and whats or tell her what to do...remember its her house, her husband was there, she sure would be more upset and would feel insulting than what you meant to be.

    Morever I guess you both are trying to fight a tug of war b/w yourselves..I am getting this feeling that its not about the kid or giving her the candy anymore...there is more to it..i.e tiffs b/w you both.

    Again as I said before, yes be empathetic, but at the same time know where to draw the line.

    Now that all this drama has happened, try to be silent, dont spoil your mind on what you said or what she did...if I told you to understand her plight, i would also say she has to understand your side of the worry too...Empathy and support should come from both ways...if only one side has it, the other side takes it more for granted and thats when all the dramas happen.You did your best to keep the peace and explain ...if she doesnt want to see your side and understand your difficulties, then no point in trying to explain again n again.

    By the way pls do not try to explain anything to her infront ofyour husband/her husband. Take it up with her one on one when no one is around, where she knows no point in starting any high pitch dramas.

    So keep cool. Dont worry. You did tell her your point and requested many times, but if she is bent up on taking it negatively, you cant help. So just keep your mental peace and take care of your work and home. Dont give in or try to persuade her to see your point (she wont). Let her come to terms of talking to you, then explain your point. till then...ignore and forget that all this happened (no point in spoiling your day about this)
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2010
  9. 92928drh

    92928drh New IL'ite

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    Thank you Srividya and all. I am more at peace now. She has stopped giving choclates to my daughter after that drama. I would just leave to God now and pray tings to cool down between us. All these incidents in the last week has cost me lot of peace of mind. This site is god gift to me. I can share my feelings without affecting anyone. I would have found this site earlier I would have much relieved. All these days I was just troubling my mom with all these inlaws problem and causing much hearach to her. Now I can confess here where people are more nuetral and give fair suggestion on how to react. Thanks to all of those given me time and their valuable suggestion.
     
  10. 92928drh

    92928drh New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Today when I was going to office I saw her in the bus stop. Automatically I smiled at her and asked where she is going. She did not responded and kept a angry face. I said why she is so angry .. what wrong have i said .. just told her not to give choclate everday. I also said sorry if i have hurt her. As she is elder to me i need her blessing. I told her that. But she just turned her face and looked elsewhere ignoring me. I told her I am unable to understand her. She just did not utter a word. Meanwhile i just got into the bus.
    I am married for 5 years and my relationship was not so great right from the day 1. As we have own houses next to each other we cannot go elsewhere also. I have to see her face everyday. Just want advise how to stay at peace if we come across people who hate us for no proper reason. It is not possible for me to please everyone for relationship supressign my own feelings. But to stay strong when such people who always puts us down is really something great. Need all your advise how to come out of this mess.
     

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