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Need Advive - about SIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by coupon4divya, Jun 14, 2010.

  1. coupon4divya

    coupon4divya New IL'ite

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    My Lifestyle : Working mom , 2 young kids below 5 and a own house ......This would explain the responsibilities I have day in and day off .....between planning kids activities and there homework and make sure they get some thing nutritious to eat for dinner ....sometimes I feel i need a day to be 26 hrs rather than 24 hrs .......

    before i go further with my issue i need to explain my relationship with my il's .....My relationship with my MIL is ok ...we don't get along but we do not fight too ....
    BiL is ok until co-sis came along ............I have no problem with both of them ......Since we live 1 hr closer thery keep pushing all the husband relatives to our side and they come visit .............
    Some times it just gets overwhelming with all the people in the house ....
    Even the guests prefer to stay here ...I guess I know why ...
    My co-sis cooks something in bulk for entire day and go sits in her room th entire day until BIL gets home ......The people who go to there house for a week come back to my house in 2 days and spend the rest of the time in my house ....on weekend my bil and c0-sis come over to say good-bye or what ever to the guests ......this happens with most of husbands relatives ...............

    Silence is my co-sis weapon ......they have been living closer to us from 2 year ..we only visited them once they were at my place almost evevryalternate weekend .......

    before they started the family they lived with us for 8 months ....

    Am open to help people but don't wanna be taken granted .....
    Although she spends most of there weekends here why do they never thing of inviting us ???
    One weekend while she was at my house ...I told her it was boring we are planning to visit your house next weekend .....She was quiet didin't respond and left on sunday as usual ....
    Later in the week my BIL called and said why don't you guys plan some other week we are planning to your house this week and they never thought abt inviting back ......
    I was never pissed off after this and never even felt like asking again .....
    they shld have thought about it .....

    She is in my house from past 4 weeks for some work related stuff .....since it's closer to my house rather than hers ....
    She told me this weekend she is planning to extent it for 3 more months ....which means she gonna here for next 3 weeks and my BIL keeps commuting from my house ..........

    It's getting too much ........Now since my mom came for summer I was able to manage all this with her help ....

    the maximum my co-sis does shows off in the kitchen when she feels like not when needed ....

    How can I put it out smootlhy ......that it's not easy for me too ......

    I feel like am struck with them .........
    She leaves the house at 6 in the morning and comes back at 5 pm ....and most of the times goes to the room and sleeps .....I understand she is tired ...............Can't she evevr think others might be in the same phase as her .....

    Keeping the financial expenses behind I can't handle the pressure of all this cooking and cleaning ...........

    I don't talk with her much ......She just stays quiet and smiles back ...doesn't respond clearly ......

    If she wanna talk something BIL gets in the picture .............Am not like that I deal my stuff do not expect my husband to deal my stuff's ....

    I wouldn't say she is like that all the time ....I have seen like speaking for hrs together with her friends and parents ...siblings .........
    She does this silence behaviour with inlaws ..........

    She is very intelligent girl ........ If I talk I would be the bad person the picture .........

    friends Please fill me to how to handle ......
     
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  2. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Hello coupon4vidya,
    Co-sis related issues havebeen discussed earlier too in the same forum. Though few ppl are like own sisters, but few are like this.
    There are certain ways to handle this kind of people diplomatically. Though we dont show our taken for granted behavior, but ppl tend to take us for granted, because we can't say NO to it, so assertiveness is lacking us.
    As your house is nearby to her office, why dont they shift to near to your home?Anyways your BIL is tend to commute from your home, give this idea.
    Try to ask her to do some stuff,help you in the kitchen or with kids.Silence may be her weapon, but your weapon should be delegating. She can't complain to her husband also as they are staying with you folks.
    A home should be a peacemaker for a family, but not everybody related to it, defintely a third person will be a burden after sometime, may be financially or physically. You need to have enough space to spend with your kids and husband. Let her know that you need so and so stuff to be done before her leaving to office or coming back from office. I dont think she will stay with you for long if you start this treatment.
     
  3. Asha123

    Asha123 New IL'ite

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    Hi Coupon4divya,

    I second Priya_mommy, she is correct, just do what she said and see ur co-sis will leave ur place in no min, trust me, i have the same type of co-sis, but she is elder to me and i am younger to her, when i was new to this country and knew nothing, she exploited me a lot, she used to leave her kid at my place and go to work, not that i dont like childrens, i used to take care of her kid with all love and affection, but when i had my own kid, she dint even bother to hold him affectionalety, that's what hurt me a lot, i still love her childern, since there is nothing wrong that they have done to me, i cannot show her anger on her kids, they are very precious to me, but as a mom i feel, when it was her turn to show affection towards my kid, she did not, and i can never forgive her for what she did.

    As said, some people are just like that, we need to be very smart and delegate some work to them, only then u will see their true colours, trust me, she will never ever come to ur home once she knows that she needs to work at ur place.

    Good luck, and chill, all will be well.
     
  4. sweetmommy

    sweetmommy New IL'ite

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    Looks like she is trying to take advantage on you.She should not do that.I dont know if personally she is good or bad,But even if she is good she must talk to you and explain why they are not inviting you to their home.

    What I would do if I were you is,I would just casually tell her that how much you would appreciate any help in your tight schedule.(I am not used to being rude to anyone in my life,SO OBVIOUSLY mine would be a slow one...)If she does not help you even then,you can just politely ask her if she can do some work in the kitchen like make dinner while you get to spend some time with kids..If she does not do anything even after that,then just dont talk to her and do you stuff..just respond to her questions and nothing else..When you do all this,any one should realise that you are not happy and should help you or leave...

    Dont stress out much...let them order food from outside so all of you can have...try out all the options..I hope you will feel better soon and keep us updated on what happens..
     
  5. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Wht i fail to understand is that why is she comng and living with u guys for such a long time? Why is she comin every weekend? This is outrageous!:bonk

    I think u need to keep urself busy on weekends and tell them u r going out or something like that. A few weekends like that and hopefully they will stop piling on u and ur family. There is simply no need to be diplomatic with such people. Parasites in my opinion! Directly or indirectly u have to make it clear that u cannot have them at ur place every other day. U also have a life...they too had better start living their own life!
     
  6. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    You have a problem with the couple as such, not just with the co-sis. Your BIL is to be blamed equally for imposing so much on you. In my opinion, if their frequent visits and prolonged stays bother you, then you should ask your husband to discuss and sort things out with his brother. Its easier if the unpleasant conversation happens between brothers rather than between you and your BIL or co-sis.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2010
  7. DDC

    DDC Silver IL'ite

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    Divya,
    Whats your DH's take on this ?
     
  8. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    :rotflAre we twins, DDC?
    This was my question too.
     
  9. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

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    Familiarity does breed contempt
    Your SIL and BIL are taking undue advantage of you. What does your husband say about this? How can they just come live with you and not do anything? I like Priya_Mommy's suggestions for immediate relief. For long term effect though, I think you should tell your husband what you think.
     
  10. ais_1982

    ais_1982 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Have you taken ur hubby's opinion on this? If not, just try to explain to him about the pressure you feel, and ur need of time for urself and kids and for husband...And u need to show ur SIL that what she is doing is wrong...I would also suggest what priya said...You cannot always let people take advantage of you...
     

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